Nov 25, 2006
Nov 24, 2006
fast, not feast
tender turkey. homemade mashed potatoes and gravy. perfectly seasoned stuffing. cheesy delicious asparagus casserole. sweet curried fruit. flaky rolls. cranberry sauce. chardonnay. pumpkin pie. bailey's and coffee.
and the stomach flu the night before and day of thanksgiving. i guess i'm thankful for leftovers and a virus that only lasts 24 hours.
and the stomach flu the night before and day of thanksgiving. i guess i'm thankful for leftovers and a virus that only lasts 24 hours.
Nov 16, 2006
ever do something stupid like this?
i just spent the last 5 minutes eating a container of yogurt that i'm pretty sure was spoiled. after the first bite tasted a bit funky, did i throw it away? no, of course not. i continued to take small bites, making what i'm sure were the most god-awful faces, and trying my hardest to figure out what exactly was off about the flavor. i smelled it, had my colleague smell it, and then continued to eat it because, really, does yogurt ever have a rotten smell? it's all bacteria anyway. halfway through the container i thought i should maybe dig the foil label out of my trash and check out the expiration date. remembering i had actually opened the yogurt and thrown away the label in the kitchen (all the way down that loooong hallway far, far from my desk), i decided it wouldn't matter anyway. i had already eaten half of it and it wasn't that bad and it seemed so borderline that i couldn't throw it away. i continued to eat the yogurt, all the while wondering why it tasted so odd. when my spoon scraped the bottom in donned on me that i may end up with some weird bacterial infection due to yogurt poisoning. i bolted for the kitchen for a bottle of water. like water is going to wash away the sour yogurt bacteria that is now attacking my digestive system, but maybe it will speed up the process at the very least. so here i am - waiting to keel over from food poisoning because my yogurt went off and i was stupid enough to eat the entire thing to figure out if it had, in fact, expired. dumb. dumb. dumb. and disgusting.
Nov 8, 2006
kizmet or kizmeet?
well, i guess this was inevitable. reading the red eye on the train the other day, i ran across something about this new website called kizmeet where people can post a missed encounter with someone whom they hope to track down and reconnect with. it is available in several cities and even has the encounters sorted by links for bars, gyms, grocery stores, coffee places, and other venues.
so, you were too chickenshit to walk up to that hottie getting the venti skim no-foam extra hot roomy latte in front of you at starbucks yesterday? post it on kizmeet!
realize when you were yelling your phone number to the guy at the bar that he may not have actually gotten it right and now you wish you had written it down or entered it in his cell phone yourself? he can find you through kizmeet!
think you'll never see that cutie from the bus last week? kizmeet has the answer!
remember the guy you danced with at the concert that seemed to be into you but left after the show before you got a chance to talk to him? kizmeet can help!
didn't have the courage to smile at the guy who was watching you select the perfect cucumber at the grocery store? kizmeet gives you a second chance!
seriously, this is what lance bass needed in "on the line" (aka the worst movie ever made) to find his hottie from the el. this website may completely change all of those regrets we have from missed opportunities. instead of brooding over the one who got away, that person who you made eye contact with at the gas station and were sure he or she was your soulmate, only to have your hopes and thus your entire future shattered when he/she drove away, you can now track that person down and rekindle the flame.
you never know - maybe we'll start seeing dr. phil promoting this like he does match.com. maybe eventually kizmeet will become one stop shopping for finding anyone and everyone you've ever thought you might like to talk to but didn't. maybe we won't even have to talk to anyone new face to face anymore. instead, we can just observe people at the bars, movies, concerts, grocery store, starbucks, etc., take notes about them, and then post on kizmeet to make the connection. much safer than actually having the balls to speak to them or ask for a number from the beginning. no, it's easier to post a comment, hope they check kizmeet, too, and then respond accordingly. no embarrassing scenes in front of friends where you get blown off in person, no need to spend money buying him/her a drink, no wasting of the memory in your cell phone from getting his/her number.
in theory, this is a great idea to help people put themselves back out there after letting someone slip by. i just have to wonder if we're making things too convenient. we can date from the comfort of our living rooms, sitting on the couch with our laptops and wireless connections to foster the effort. we can chat online, exchange emails, and text message without ever having to hear a human voice. and now we can sit back and see someone out, knowing we don't have to make an effort to talk to him/her because we can essentially tivo the encounter to be finished at a later time via kizmeet.
now if you'll excuse me, i have to go make a post about the guy from the snow patrol concert. and the guy on the train monday. oh, and i can't forget carflirt guy. heeeelllloooo kizmeet.
so, you were too chickenshit to walk up to that hottie getting the venti skim no-foam extra hot roomy latte in front of you at starbucks yesterday? post it on kizmeet!
realize when you were yelling your phone number to the guy at the bar that he may not have actually gotten it right and now you wish you had written it down or entered it in his cell phone yourself? he can find you through kizmeet!
think you'll never see that cutie from the bus last week? kizmeet has the answer!
remember the guy you danced with at the concert that seemed to be into you but left after the show before you got a chance to talk to him? kizmeet can help!
didn't have the courage to smile at the guy who was watching you select the perfect cucumber at the grocery store? kizmeet gives you a second chance!
seriously, this is what lance bass needed in "on the line" (aka the worst movie ever made) to find his hottie from the el. this website may completely change all of those regrets we have from missed opportunities. instead of brooding over the one who got away, that person who you made eye contact with at the gas station and were sure he or she was your soulmate, only to have your hopes and thus your entire future shattered when he/she drove away, you can now track that person down and rekindle the flame.
you never know - maybe we'll start seeing dr. phil promoting this like he does match.com. maybe eventually kizmeet will become one stop shopping for finding anyone and everyone you've ever thought you might like to talk to but didn't. maybe we won't even have to talk to anyone new face to face anymore. instead, we can just observe people at the bars, movies, concerts, grocery store, starbucks, etc., take notes about them, and then post on kizmeet to make the connection. much safer than actually having the balls to speak to them or ask for a number from the beginning. no, it's easier to post a comment, hope they check kizmeet, too, and then respond accordingly. no embarrassing scenes in front of friends where you get blown off in person, no need to spend money buying him/her a drink, no wasting of the memory in your cell phone from getting his/her number.
in theory, this is a great idea to help people put themselves back out there after letting someone slip by. i just have to wonder if we're making things too convenient. we can date from the comfort of our living rooms, sitting on the couch with our laptops and wireless connections to foster the effort. we can chat online, exchange emails, and text message without ever having to hear a human voice. and now we can sit back and see someone out, knowing we don't have to make an effort to talk to him/her because we can essentially tivo the encounter to be finished at a later time via kizmeet.
now if you'll excuse me, i have to go make a post about the guy from the snow patrol concert. and the guy on the train monday. oh, and i can't forget carflirt guy. heeeelllloooo kizmeet.
Nov 7, 2006
Make a Difference - VOTE!
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."- Margaret Mead
Nov 2, 2006
my day...putt...
- woke up late this morning
- car stereo did fun little thing where it likes to turn off and on by itself....the ENTIRE way to work
- car also decided that on a 27 degree morning with snow flurries, i did not need heat...just lots of cold air blowing from the vents
- coffee cup leaked all over me while drinking coffee at my desk
- lunch consisted of special k that i had to eat with a fork due to the absence of spoons in the kitchen
- had a VIP from our national office tell me to call her back when my office didn't sound like a "zoo" due to co-worker singing a carrie underwood song at top of her lungs in background. how professional.
- was subjected to hearing the obese woman in the bathroom stall next to me grunting like a wild boar as she did her business.
- administrative assistant was too busy to help with a project. i walked by her desk and saw why - she was playing solitare on her computer.
- got a call from our bookkeeper downtown. i sent her my unsigned, and therefore unacceptable, expense report.
- broke a nail.
- no internet at home.
needless to say, i can't wait to hang out with friends tonight, have some yummy thai food, drink wine and watch grey's anatomy. this day has worn me out.
- car stereo did fun little thing where it likes to turn off and on by itself....the ENTIRE way to work
- car also decided that on a 27 degree morning with snow flurries, i did not need heat...just lots of cold air blowing from the vents
- coffee cup leaked all over me while drinking coffee at my desk
- lunch consisted of special k that i had to eat with a fork due to the absence of spoons in the kitchen
- had a VIP from our national office tell me to call her back when my office didn't sound like a "zoo" due to co-worker singing a carrie underwood song at top of her lungs in background. how professional.
- was subjected to hearing the obese woman in the bathroom stall next to me grunting like a wild boar as she did her business.
- administrative assistant was too busy to help with a project. i walked by her desk and saw why - she was playing solitare on her computer.
- got a call from our bookkeeper downtown. i sent her my unsigned, and therefore unacceptable, expense report.
- broke a nail.
- no internet at home.
needless to say, i can't wait to hang out with friends tonight, have some yummy thai food, drink wine and watch grey's anatomy. this day has worn me out.
Oct 30, 2006
cess pool or dating pool?
overheard from the table of guys next to me in a bar on sunday while having drinks with the girls and watching some football:
"dude, my trick is to watch "the notebook" with a girl. if you watch that movie with her, you're definitely going to fuck her after."
(i bet he even throws in a few tears for good measure)
"oh my god - jason was so drunk he shit his pants and then wiped it on the carpet. that girl he brought home with him didn't know WHAT to do. i wasn't gonna try to help her out of that situation!"
(of course not, you jackass. you'd rather see her suffer through human feces than offer to let her sleep on the couch or tell your friend to clean his ass up.)
"i mean, that girl was alright. she had a normal body and stuff. but the size of her ass! did you SEE the size of her ass?! ugh - it was huge!"
(guess what fuckwad - normal girls tend to not be built like men - straight up and down. we have CURVES. go back to junior high if you want a twiglet girl)
"man, i don't take them home the day after. they should know that they're just there for the night. she can find her own way home."
(just. plain. rude.)
simply wanted to share a shining example of what's left out there in the dating world. coupled people, be glad you're not out here in the wild anymore. i give up.
"dude, my trick is to watch "the notebook" with a girl. if you watch that movie with her, you're definitely going to fuck her after."
(i bet he even throws in a few tears for good measure)
"oh my god - jason was so drunk he shit his pants and then wiped it on the carpet. that girl he brought home with him didn't know WHAT to do. i wasn't gonna try to help her out of that situation!"
(of course not, you jackass. you'd rather see her suffer through human feces than offer to let her sleep on the couch or tell your friend to clean his ass up.)
"i mean, that girl was alright. she had a normal body and stuff. but the size of her ass! did you SEE the size of her ass?! ugh - it was huge!"
(guess what fuckwad - normal girls tend to not be built like men - straight up and down. we have CURVES. go back to junior high if you want a twiglet girl)
"man, i don't take them home the day after. they should know that they're just there for the night. she can find her own way home."
(just. plain. rude.)
simply wanted to share a shining example of what's left out there in the dating world. coupled people, be glad you're not out here in the wild anymore. i give up.
Oct 16, 2006
white trash wedding (bless their hearts)
i attended a wedding last weekend in good ol' southern indiana. the place was nice, the bride & her attendants were gorgeous, the groom and his boys were all spiffed up, the music was elegant, the parents were proud, and the thing went off without a hitch.
in typical wedding fashion, the reception followed and the wine and beer flowed endlessly. not long after the reception had begun, the dj announced that it was time to introduce the parents, the wedding party and the newlyweds. as the bride and groom took their places to be introduced after everyone else, the opening to the song "welcome to the jungle" filled the room and everyone looked around in disbelief/surprise/amusement. how fitting that they walk in to their first official event as man and wife to a guns & roses song. i almost peed my pants laughing.
would the highlight of the evening be this - them walking in as axl rose screamed "you're in the jungle baby!!"? or would it be when they danced their first dance to the firehouse song "love of a lifetime"?(in typical indiana fashion, this couple has been together since 6th grade, so a firehouse song was actually appropriate) maybe it would be the moment the best man decided to forgo a traditional toast to tell a story about the groom getting so wasted the night before the wedding that he went to sleep with a pb & j sandwich under his pillow. or possibly, it was darting looks at the groom's mom to make sure she wasn't about to burst out in a pain-pill induced rage and make a huge scene. could it have been the moment when the perpetual townie that took 10 years to finish high school and still spends his free time cruising our tiny little town in his beat up ride showed up for the party? it certainly wasn't the conversations i had with 2 high school exes that still look great and are now married to tall, gorgeous twiglets, i know that much.
no, i think my favorite part of the night was visiting the bar and seeing the basket there that held the bride and groom's choice of wedding favors for their guests. most couples choose candy, picture frames, candles, mix cds, etc. not this time. i reached over and took one of the favors out of the basket. lo and behold, it was a camo beer coozie and printed on one side, in fine wedding-esque script, "to have and to hold and to keep your beer cold." on the back was the date along with the names of the bride and groom. what a redneck and yet perfect thing to give to the attendees. quite possibly the most useful wedding favor i have ever received. given the guestlist, the only gift that could remotely compare to the usefulness of the camo coozie would have been individual dip cups.
oh - apparently a fight broke out soon after my sis and i departed from the festivities. god bless the traditional southern indiana wedding. you're in the jungle, baby.
in typical wedding fashion, the reception followed and the wine and beer flowed endlessly. not long after the reception had begun, the dj announced that it was time to introduce the parents, the wedding party and the newlyweds. as the bride and groom took their places to be introduced after everyone else, the opening to the song "welcome to the jungle" filled the room and everyone looked around in disbelief/surprise/amusement. how fitting that they walk in to their first official event as man and wife to a guns & roses song. i almost peed my pants laughing.
would the highlight of the evening be this - them walking in as axl rose screamed "you're in the jungle baby!!"? or would it be when they danced their first dance to the firehouse song "love of a lifetime"?(in typical indiana fashion, this couple has been together since 6th grade, so a firehouse song was actually appropriate) maybe it would be the moment the best man decided to forgo a traditional toast to tell a story about the groom getting so wasted the night before the wedding that he went to sleep with a pb & j sandwich under his pillow. or possibly, it was darting looks at the groom's mom to make sure she wasn't about to burst out in a pain-pill induced rage and make a huge scene. could it have been the moment when the perpetual townie that took 10 years to finish high school and still spends his free time cruising our tiny little town in his beat up ride showed up for the party? it certainly wasn't the conversations i had with 2 high school exes that still look great and are now married to tall, gorgeous twiglets, i know that much.
no, i think my favorite part of the night was visiting the bar and seeing the basket there that held the bride and groom's choice of wedding favors for their guests. most couples choose candy, picture frames, candles, mix cds, etc. not this time. i reached over and took one of the favors out of the basket. lo and behold, it was a camo beer coozie and printed on one side, in fine wedding-esque script, "to have and to hold and to keep your beer cold." on the back was the date along with the names of the bride and groom. what a redneck and yet perfect thing to give to the attendees. quite possibly the most useful wedding favor i have ever received. given the guestlist, the only gift that could remotely compare to the usefulness of the camo coozie would have been individual dip cups.
oh - apparently a fight broke out soon after my sis and i departed from the festivities. god bless the traditional southern indiana wedding. you're in the jungle, baby.
Sep 29, 2006
the yay list
ok, so i realize that i've blogged ad nauseum about the things that piss me off and annoy me. examples include, but certainly are not limited to: men, grocery carts, men, bird shit, men, parking tickets, men, pigeons and the people who feed them, men, bad drivers, men, bratty children, and of course, men.
so, i thought it might be nice to make a list of things/people, etc. that actually make me happy. (i'm not letting self help with this post, as she really has no input on the subject of happiness.)
here we go....
- my niece. anything and everything related to this gorgeous child.
- the fact that trader joe's has mistakenly mispriced the family size bottle of my favorite affordable wine for months now, thus costing me only $6.99 per huge bottle
- my first sip of coffee in the morning
- the crisp breeze that comes with summer changing to fall
- ryan adams "gold"
- a perfectly mixed cosmopolitan
- the way andy roddick's shirt flies up constantly when he hits his forehand
- my fantastic friends and family. i would die without them.
- decorating for christmas
- falling asleep to the sound of rain
- first kisses
- finding the perfect pair of shoes on sale
- tennis, tennis, tennis
- driving into chicago on lake shore drive on a sunny day with the windows down
- wentworth miller. no explanation needed. mmmmm.
- getting to work in 45 minutes
- sitting at starbucks, reading the papers and drinking coffee for hours
- really good sushi
- finding money in the pocket of a jacket i haven't worn in months
- felicity re-runs every saturday morning
- knowing what i do for a living makes a difference
- french manicures
- friday nights in - bubble baths, candles and wine
- fitting into my skinny jeans
- playing hooky
- my neighbors taking my trash out for me
- long weekends
- a parking spot right in front of my apartment
- my mom's cinnamon toast
- going to movies by myself
- finding something mundane so amusing i laugh til i cry
- the smell of fresh laundry
- singing at the top of my lungs in my car
- hooded sweatshirts
- working from home in my pjs
- walking through my neighborhood and loving where i live
i could probably go on, but i won't. i think everyone needs a reason to stop and think about the things that make us happy, so please feel free to comment with something of your own. for anyone who may be concerned about the state of my mental health right now - no this is not a new, zen-like me, it just happens to be 10 am and nothing has actually pissed me off yet today.
(self is thrashing like a wild beast right now, wanting to go on a rant about why each and every one of the things listed above has the potential to disappoint, but i put the muzzle on her)
so, i thought it might be nice to make a list of things/people, etc. that actually make me happy. (i'm not letting self help with this post, as she really has no input on the subject of happiness.)
here we go....
- my niece. anything and everything related to this gorgeous child.
- the fact that trader joe's has mistakenly mispriced the family size bottle of my favorite affordable wine for months now, thus costing me only $6.99 per huge bottle
- my first sip of coffee in the morning
- the crisp breeze that comes with summer changing to fall
- ryan adams "gold"
- a perfectly mixed cosmopolitan
- the way andy roddick's shirt flies up constantly when he hits his forehand
- my fantastic friends and family. i would die without them.
- decorating for christmas
- falling asleep to the sound of rain
- first kisses
- finding the perfect pair of shoes on sale
- tennis, tennis, tennis
- driving into chicago on lake shore drive on a sunny day with the windows down
- wentworth miller. no explanation needed. mmmmm.
- getting to work in 45 minutes
- sitting at starbucks, reading the papers and drinking coffee for hours
- really good sushi
- finding money in the pocket of a jacket i haven't worn in months
- felicity re-runs every saturday morning
- knowing what i do for a living makes a difference
- french manicures
- friday nights in - bubble baths, candles and wine
- fitting into my skinny jeans
- playing hooky
- my neighbors taking my trash out for me
- long weekends
- a parking spot right in front of my apartment
- my mom's cinnamon toast
- going to movies by myself
- finding something mundane so amusing i laugh til i cry
- the smell of fresh laundry
- singing at the top of my lungs in my car
- hooded sweatshirts
- working from home in my pjs
- walking through my neighborhood and loving where i live
i could probably go on, but i won't. i think everyone needs a reason to stop and think about the things that make us happy, so please feel free to comment with something of your own. for anyone who may be concerned about the state of my mental health right now - no this is not a new, zen-like me, it just happens to be 10 am and nothing has actually pissed me off yet today.
(self is thrashing like a wild beast right now, wanting to go on a rant about why each and every one of the things listed above has the potential to disappoint, but i put the muzzle on her)
Sep 26, 2006
hooking up with the ex...
is it a win-win situation or a colossal mistake? let us weigh some pros and cons...
pro: you know how it will be. it will be good. been there, done that, really liked it.
con: it may stir up annoying fond memories.
pro: you will take out on each other any remaining frustration, resentment, and sexual tension that is left over from the relationship and the break-up. this always makes the hook up so much hotter.
con: "awkward" is a vast understatement to describe the situation once the deed is done.
pro: you can leave right after and not feel a bit guilty going home to your own comfy bed.
con: he may get re-attached. (yeah, right, but i had to list it as a real possibility)
pro: won't add to your numbers.
con: you may get re-attached.
pro: at least you can get some action while you're looking for someone who is actually datable.
con: if he finds a datable person first and is the one to end the hook-up, you might feel rejected all over again.
pro: it's just sex - you can take control and make the rules. guys are much more apt to cooperate when it's just a booty call, not a relationship where you have emotional expectations, right?
con: your friends will yell at you for it and worry that you're going to get hurt again.
pro: it's convenient and fun. and, for the love of god, will end that miserable dry spell.
so, the question is - if you know this ex is not someone you would ever, ever date again, but the chemistry is definitely still there, is it acceptable to use him for a hook-up? is it that easy? or is it better to leave well enough alone?
pro: you know how it will be. it will be good. been there, done that, really liked it.
con: it may stir up annoying fond memories.
pro: you will take out on each other any remaining frustration, resentment, and sexual tension that is left over from the relationship and the break-up. this always makes the hook up so much hotter.
con: "awkward" is a vast understatement to describe the situation once the deed is done.
pro: you can leave right after and not feel a bit guilty going home to your own comfy bed.
con: he may get re-attached. (yeah, right, but i had to list it as a real possibility)
pro: won't add to your numbers.
con: you may get re-attached.
pro: at least you can get some action while you're looking for someone who is actually datable.
con: if he finds a datable person first and is the one to end the hook-up, you might feel rejected all over again.
pro: it's just sex - you can take control and make the rules. guys are much more apt to cooperate when it's just a booty call, not a relationship where you have emotional expectations, right?
con: your friends will yell at you for it and worry that you're going to get hurt again.
pro: it's convenient and fun. and, for the love of god, will end that miserable dry spell.
so, the question is - if you know this ex is not someone you would ever, ever date again, but the chemistry is definitely still there, is it acceptable to use him for a hook-up? is it that easy? or is it better to leave well enough alone?
Sep 24, 2006
the keeping kind
i'm not the keeping kind. all of my past relationships point to this theory. guys start talking to me, seem to like me, then decide i'm not good enough to spend the time and energy on to date seriously. they may want to be my "friend" after getting to know me or think that maybe we should still just hook up, but dating me is no longer a feasible option.
why am i revisiting this self-degrading realization? let me enlighten you. as i was perusing the newest pictures of my adorable niece on my sister & brother-in-law's website, i ran across it. the first picture i have seen of brother bob's grecian delight. you all probably remember my tortured description of the night i sat with brother-in-law's parents and discussed his brother's upcoming wedding. awkward is a vast understatement to describe how i felt that night, talking about wedding plans of a man i had "dated." ugh. so, knowing full well that he's been engaged for a while now, i simply hoped to never have to see a picture of his future wife. (impossible, i know, but i was hoping) that hope was shattered when i innocently ran across this image on the website tonight - brother bob & grecian delight, sitting together happily, her holding my niece on her lap, with a glimmer of the rock that now adorns her left ring finger showing just enough to make me want to spray bleach in my eyes and render myself blind.
i sat, mouth gaping, studying her and wishing to any and every god known to man that i could find something even remotely trollish about her. no. of course not. she's a little, tan, dark haired beauty. again, please hand me the bleach. i think i actually started to talk to self and couldn't find words to express my self loathing at that very moment. instead i poured a gargantuan glass of wine and stared out the window for a while, thinking the whole time that this shouldn't bother me so much. but it does. i know they're getting married. i know they'll probably have kids that will play with my sister's kids. i realize that he never even thinks about me anymore. and that's fine. but it makes me feel like shit because it just reminds me that i wasn't good enough to be where she is right now and i'm all alone.
please allow me to make an important clarification - this is not about HIM. it's not about HER. this is about ME and how i'm never the one that guys want to stick with. i'm the fun in-between girl - a springboard, if you will. i help pass the time while they heal from their most recent break-up and decide they are ready to move on...without me. i like to drink and watch sports, so i end up being more of a "friend" than a girlfriend. i don't make guys think about settling down, i uncover their commitment phobia. i don't inspire a guy to take me home to meet his parents, i inspire him to take me to a bar. they want me for a night, but not for the future. they like me, but they don't fall for me. i'm not even in the top 5 in their list of priorities. they're focusing on their careers, they're not ready for a relationship because of their past, they don't think they can give me what i deserve in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. i've heard it all and it's all bullshit. i'm just not the keeping kind. i'm not who they see when they think of their lives 2, 6, 12 months down the road. i'm expendable. disposable. forgettable.
please pardon the pathetic wallowing in self-pity that is going on in this post. i hope to be back to my usual bitter and witty self soon. thanks for wallowing with me.
why am i revisiting this self-degrading realization? let me enlighten you. as i was perusing the newest pictures of my adorable niece on my sister & brother-in-law's website, i ran across it. the first picture i have seen of brother bob's grecian delight. you all probably remember my tortured description of the night i sat with brother-in-law's parents and discussed his brother's upcoming wedding. awkward is a vast understatement to describe how i felt that night, talking about wedding plans of a man i had "dated." ugh. so, knowing full well that he's been engaged for a while now, i simply hoped to never have to see a picture of his future wife. (impossible, i know, but i was hoping) that hope was shattered when i innocently ran across this image on the website tonight - brother bob & grecian delight, sitting together happily, her holding my niece on her lap, with a glimmer of the rock that now adorns her left ring finger showing just enough to make me want to spray bleach in my eyes and render myself blind.
i sat, mouth gaping, studying her and wishing to any and every god known to man that i could find something even remotely trollish about her. no. of course not. she's a little, tan, dark haired beauty. again, please hand me the bleach. i think i actually started to talk to self and couldn't find words to express my self loathing at that very moment. instead i poured a gargantuan glass of wine and stared out the window for a while, thinking the whole time that this shouldn't bother me so much. but it does. i know they're getting married. i know they'll probably have kids that will play with my sister's kids. i realize that he never even thinks about me anymore. and that's fine. but it makes me feel like shit because it just reminds me that i wasn't good enough to be where she is right now and i'm all alone.
please allow me to make an important clarification - this is not about HIM. it's not about HER. this is about ME and how i'm never the one that guys want to stick with. i'm the fun in-between girl - a springboard, if you will. i help pass the time while they heal from their most recent break-up and decide they are ready to move on...without me. i like to drink and watch sports, so i end up being more of a "friend" than a girlfriend. i don't make guys think about settling down, i uncover their commitment phobia. i don't inspire a guy to take me home to meet his parents, i inspire him to take me to a bar. they want me for a night, but not for the future. they like me, but they don't fall for me. i'm not even in the top 5 in their list of priorities. they're focusing on their careers, they're not ready for a relationship because of their past, they don't think they can give me what i deserve in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. i've heard it all and it's all bullshit. i'm just not the keeping kind. i'm not who they see when they think of their lives 2, 6, 12 months down the road. i'm expendable. disposable. forgettable.
please pardon the pathetic wallowing in self-pity that is going on in this post. i hope to be back to my usual bitter and witty self soon. thanks for wallowing with me.
Sep 22, 2006
Sep 19, 2006
you snooze, you lose
let me just preface this by saying i am not a morning person. i like to stay up late and sleep in. the sound of my alarm clock sparks a feeling of hatred i can only compare in intensity to the fires of the 7th level of hell. i am not perky, nice or energetic before 11 am. that said, i seem to have a lot of crappy, weird things (granted, many of these are self-induced) happen to me in the morning.
spilling coffee on myself - at least weekly. oversleeping - constantly, thus causing me to jump out of bed cursing like a sailor and run around like a chicken with its head cut off getting ready. gas light in my car - always on when i'm in a hurry. traffic - no matter what time, where i'm going, or how the weather is, it will always be horrible. forgetting cell phone and having to go back to get it - yes. forgetting computer and having to go back to get it - of course. stepping in gum - you know it. having a bird shit on me - um, yeah. not kidding - walking out to my car on friday morning, i had a bird drop a load on my crisp, white dress shirt. auuuggghhh.
but this morning, i had a brand new encounter. walking out of my apartment, i had a sinking feeling as i headed to my car. i realized i had parked on a side street where street cleaning was to begin at 9 am. naturally, as it was well past 9 am, i muttered a string of every curse word known to man, and resigned myself to the inevitable fact that i would have a ticket glaring from its evil orange envelope on the windshield of my car. as i approached the side street, i observed a strange thing happening. people were darting out of their houses like little mice, with keys in hand, to move their cars. and that's when i saw it. the parking police. one single woman in a plastic flourescent vest now had the power to either save or completely ruin my day. and she was heading straight for my car. i broke into a flat-out run, shreiking at the top of my lungs, "wait!! wait please!!! that's my car!! don't give me a ticket!! waaaaiiiittttt!!!!"
lucky for me, she turned around to see where the racket was coming from. what a horrifying, yet amusing thing she observed - a woman in dress clothes & 3-inch heels, with bag, purse and computer flapping violently, coffee spewing from a travel mug, hair flying, hands waving wildly, running directly at her screaming like a banshee. this poor woman couldn't have looked more disturbed and confused if a flock of seagulls had swooped down upon her and tried to nest in her hair. once i was closer, she gave me the girl-you-should-know-better-than-to-park-your-damn-car-here-during-street-cleaning-like-those-other-fools-i-just-ticketed look and said, with no amusement what so ever, "well, looks like it's your lucky day." i was still thanking her profusely, between panting and gasping for air after my marathon half-block sprint, when she just shook her head and moved along to the next car.
i got in my car, said a quick prayer of thanks to the parking gods, realized i was sweating (of course) in the 55 degree weather and wondered.....does this count for my cardio today? hmmm....
spilling coffee on myself - at least weekly. oversleeping - constantly, thus causing me to jump out of bed cursing like a sailor and run around like a chicken with its head cut off getting ready. gas light in my car - always on when i'm in a hurry. traffic - no matter what time, where i'm going, or how the weather is, it will always be horrible. forgetting cell phone and having to go back to get it - yes. forgetting computer and having to go back to get it - of course. stepping in gum - you know it. having a bird shit on me - um, yeah. not kidding - walking out to my car on friday morning, i had a bird drop a load on my crisp, white dress shirt. auuuggghhh.
but this morning, i had a brand new encounter. walking out of my apartment, i had a sinking feeling as i headed to my car. i realized i had parked on a side street where street cleaning was to begin at 9 am. naturally, as it was well past 9 am, i muttered a string of every curse word known to man, and resigned myself to the inevitable fact that i would have a ticket glaring from its evil orange envelope on the windshield of my car. as i approached the side street, i observed a strange thing happening. people were darting out of their houses like little mice, with keys in hand, to move their cars. and that's when i saw it. the parking police. one single woman in a plastic flourescent vest now had the power to either save or completely ruin my day. and she was heading straight for my car. i broke into a flat-out run, shreiking at the top of my lungs, "wait!! wait please!!! that's my car!! don't give me a ticket!! waaaaiiiittttt!!!!"
lucky for me, she turned around to see where the racket was coming from. what a horrifying, yet amusing thing she observed - a woman in dress clothes & 3-inch heels, with bag, purse and computer flapping violently, coffee spewing from a travel mug, hair flying, hands waving wildly, running directly at her screaming like a banshee. this poor woman couldn't have looked more disturbed and confused if a flock of seagulls had swooped down upon her and tried to nest in her hair. once i was closer, she gave me the girl-you-should-know-better-than-to-park-your-damn-car-here-during-street-cleaning-like-those-other-fools-i-just-ticketed look and said, with no amusement what so ever, "well, looks like it's your lucky day." i was still thanking her profusely, between panting and gasping for air after my marathon half-block sprint, when she just shook her head and moved along to the next car.
i got in my car, said a quick prayer of thanks to the parking gods, realized i was sweating (of course) in the 55 degree weather and wondered.....does this count for my cardio today? hmmm....
Sep 12, 2006
the new object of my obsession
i haven't had a crush this serious since 6th grade when i pledged my undying and eternal love for little joe mcintyre, the falsetto pre-teen and youngest member of that hit band new kids on the block. dear god, it's humiliating to blog about this even though it is years later. it took me a long time to get over the devastation of that crush and realize that famous people don't date girls that live in small indiana towns. oh, the torture. i vowed never to love a star the way i had loved joe and let the crush crumple and fade, along with the 300 posters of him that had temporarily replaced my wallpaper during that period of time. still, knowing that star crushes are completely, utterly ridiculous and pointless, i'm behaving lately like a 12-year-old with the latest edition of teen beat. i salivate over the man pictured above. for those of you who are not familiar with this perfect specimen, let me introduce you. wentworth miller, aka my future soulmate. mmmmmmm. not kidding - there is a very unhealthy obsession brewing here... if anyone knows his manager, he or she may want to go ahead and get that restraining order....
Sep 11, 2006
september 11
i'm sitting here, looking out the window and thinking the gray skies and rain are appropriate for today. today is a day of mourning. today is a day of remembrance. today is a day to honor those we have lost. september 11 has been all of these things for many people for the past 5 years. for my family and me, september 11 has been all of these things for the past 18 years. on this day, 18 years ago, i lost my youngest sister to cancer at the age of only 7.
that day is ingrained in my memory and always will be. it was a sunday - grandparents' day, in fact. my grandparents came to get my sister and me and to take us to clifty falls park for the morning. i remember thinking that it was odd and spur of the moment and it wasn't a fun trip. i remember thinking we were trying to waste time somehow. and i knew that it was the last day i would see my little sister. i was right. my parents couldn't bear for us to be there during those final hours and looking back, i understand why.
these years that have followed seem to have flown by but that doesn't make it any easier when i think of that day. she should still be here. she had her whole life ahead of her. it makes me sad, angry, and frustrated almost to the point of screaming to think about how unfair it is. however, amber never would have wanted her memory to be the cause of these sorts of emotions. she would prefer i remember our trip to disney world, she and amity eating mashed potatoes with their faces like little piglets, her dressing up as a princess and standing out on the hill in front of our house, waving to the cars going by as though she was waving to members of her court. she would want me to remember how we used to make up skits and perform for her when she was confined to her hospital bed at home and how i used to be the one to hold her hand every time she had to have her bandage changed. she would want me to laugh thinking back to all of the christmas mornings, the halloweens, the family get-togethers and how much fun we had. she wanted to be an artist and a ballerina. i have no doubt she could have accomplished both. she would have grown up to be a lovely, friendly, talented person with a big heart and a great sense of humor. it never ceased to amaze me how she always had a joke or a funny saying, no matter how sick she was or how crappy she was feeling.
so, i choose to think about her and focus on the good times. i will never understand why this happened to her, to our family, and i will never be able to fully believe in a god that could let this happen to a 7 year old girl. i do believe i have become the person i am because of her and what she went through. working for an organization that is trying to cure cancer reminds me every single day of her and why this fight is so important.
i'm sitting here, looking out the window and am glad the rain is still coming down. it matches the tears i have been fighting back and shedding with abandon all day long. this is a difficult day and i know i, along with my family, will alternate between crying and smiling as we keep her in our thoughts today. millions of others will be keeping the memory of their loved ones in their hearts and minds today, as well. may we all find peace and joy in those memories.
that day is ingrained in my memory and always will be. it was a sunday - grandparents' day, in fact. my grandparents came to get my sister and me and to take us to clifty falls park for the morning. i remember thinking that it was odd and spur of the moment and it wasn't a fun trip. i remember thinking we were trying to waste time somehow. and i knew that it was the last day i would see my little sister. i was right. my parents couldn't bear for us to be there during those final hours and looking back, i understand why.
these years that have followed seem to have flown by but that doesn't make it any easier when i think of that day. she should still be here. she had her whole life ahead of her. it makes me sad, angry, and frustrated almost to the point of screaming to think about how unfair it is. however, amber never would have wanted her memory to be the cause of these sorts of emotions. she would prefer i remember our trip to disney world, she and amity eating mashed potatoes with their faces like little piglets, her dressing up as a princess and standing out on the hill in front of our house, waving to the cars going by as though she was waving to members of her court. she would want me to remember how we used to make up skits and perform for her when she was confined to her hospital bed at home and how i used to be the one to hold her hand every time she had to have her bandage changed. she would want me to laugh thinking back to all of the christmas mornings, the halloweens, the family get-togethers and how much fun we had. she wanted to be an artist and a ballerina. i have no doubt she could have accomplished both. she would have grown up to be a lovely, friendly, talented person with a big heart and a great sense of humor. it never ceased to amaze me how she always had a joke or a funny saying, no matter how sick she was or how crappy she was feeling.
so, i choose to think about her and focus on the good times. i will never understand why this happened to her, to our family, and i will never be able to fully believe in a god that could let this happen to a 7 year old girl. i do believe i have become the person i am because of her and what she went through. working for an organization that is trying to cure cancer reminds me every single day of her and why this fight is so important.
i'm sitting here, looking out the window and am glad the rain is still coming down. it matches the tears i have been fighting back and shedding with abandon all day long. this is a difficult day and i know i, along with my family, will alternate between crying and smiling as we keep her in our thoughts today. millions of others will be keeping the memory of their loved ones in their hearts and minds today, as well. may we all find peace and joy in those memories.
Sep 5, 2006
Sep 4, 2006
blah.
i'm not feeling witty or fun today at all. i'm having a hard time finding the humor in the stupid things that happen to me, which i usually do quite well, i think. i'm not having a day where i'm glad to be single. i don't feel attractive even in the least bit. why so blue, you ask? i don't know. part of it is probably the fact that i've had the last 5 days off and now having to go back to work tomorrow i feel like a kid on sunday night at the end of spring break week. drinking myself stupid throughout the weekend is probably taking its toll as well. i've been tired and lazy all day and, as a result, now feel equivalent to the size of jabba the hut. that said, i had a great time this weekend. but i'm doing what i always do - getting down because i'm not happy with myself, feeling sad because i don't have a guy around, wishing i had actually gotten off the couch today and done something productive. whatever. i have to make some changes. i guess that means i need a list. dear god. here we go...
1) stop drinking so much
2) go to the gym!!
3) buy groceries instead of eating out all the time
4) be more proactive & productive at work
5) go to bed earlier & get up earlier
6) make a budget & stick with it
7) look for a 2nd job
8) get new brakes on my car and get the door fixed
9) sign up for that art class i've been talking about
10) stop complaining about men and accept the fact that i will be single indefinitely
i think that's a pretty good start. if i can manage to accomplish these things i will be saving money because i'm not drinking that much, driving to work in my safe car, working tons of productive hours between 2 jobs, going to bed early after eating a healthy dinner, getting up early to go to the gym, and squeezing in an art class once a week. whew. looks like i won't even have time to worry about being single and lonely.
1) stop drinking so much
2) go to the gym!!
3) buy groceries instead of eating out all the time
4) be more proactive & productive at work
5) go to bed earlier & get up earlier
6) make a budget & stick with it
7) look for a 2nd job
8) get new brakes on my car and get the door fixed
9) sign up for that art class i've been talking about
10) stop complaining about men and accept the fact that i will be single indefinitely
i think that's a pretty good start. if i can manage to accomplish these things i will be saving money because i'm not drinking that much, driving to work in my safe car, working tons of productive hours between 2 jobs, going to bed early after eating a healthy dinner, getting up early to go to the gym, and squeezing in an art class once a week. whew. looks like i won't even have time to worry about being single and lonely.
Aug 31, 2006
brain cells - a dying breed
no, it's not a scientific study, but i have pretty infallible proof that i have killed a vast amount of brain cells. thinking about some of the things i've done over the past few days, i realize that brain cells are not that resilient, nor are they prone to quick regeneration.
10 things my brain failed me in doing....
1) put used q-tips back in the cabinet. i know - gross. luckily i realized it as soon as i closed the cabinet door.
2) spent a good 15 minutes walking around my neighborhood yesterday morning looking for where i parked my car monday night. my decision to drive home after monday night drinking was quite possibly the worst decision i've made since the last time i chose to perm my hair.
3) ran around looking for sunglasses that were perched peacefully on top of my head.
4) put coffee creamer back in the microwave after pouring coffee this morning. because refrigerated items should always be kept in a heating device, right?
5) almost walked out of my office without my shoes yesterday. not kidding. packed up my stuff, was walking away from my desk and realized i was barefoot. wow.
6) took a wrong turn on the way to work. a wrong turn toward the place where i have worked for OVER TWO YEARS now.
7) mailed an empty envelope to wells fargo. the check for my car payment will follow shortly.
8) lost my driver's license in the depths of my dirty car for days and had to use my passport as my main form of identification.
9) set my alarm clock for 6:30 p.m. instead of a.m.
10) made a pot of coffee without actually adding coffee to the filter basket. imagine my surprise and dismay when i got out of the shower to find a nice pot of hot water ready and waiting.
oh, and i'm sure i've stepped in gum along the way. that's just the norm.
10 things my brain failed me in doing....
1) put used q-tips back in the cabinet. i know - gross. luckily i realized it as soon as i closed the cabinet door.
2) spent a good 15 minutes walking around my neighborhood yesterday morning looking for where i parked my car monday night. my decision to drive home after monday night drinking was quite possibly the worst decision i've made since the last time i chose to perm my hair.
3) ran around looking for sunglasses that were perched peacefully on top of my head.
4) put coffee creamer back in the microwave after pouring coffee this morning. because refrigerated items should always be kept in a heating device, right?
5) almost walked out of my office without my shoes yesterday. not kidding. packed up my stuff, was walking away from my desk and realized i was barefoot. wow.
6) took a wrong turn on the way to work. a wrong turn toward the place where i have worked for OVER TWO YEARS now.
7) mailed an empty envelope to wells fargo. the check for my car payment will follow shortly.
8) lost my driver's license in the depths of my dirty car for days and had to use my passport as my main form of identification.
9) set my alarm clock for 6:30 p.m. instead of a.m.
10) made a pot of coffee without actually adding coffee to the filter basket. imagine my surprise and dismay when i got out of the shower to find a nice pot of hot water ready and waiting.
oh, and i'm sure i've stepped in gum along the way. that's just the norm.
Aug 29, 2006
monday night drinking....
i had 2 immediate thoughts this morning when i woke up. before i was even fully awake or even had opened my eyes, actually. thought #1 - i'm going to see the dresden dolls in october!! kick ass!! thought #2 - i made out with elevator guy in the back corner of the bar last night. oh. my. dear. god. shitfuck. said thoughts were followed by some evil person whacking me in the head with a meat cleaver. oh wait, that was just the beer and wine from last night paying their final respects and leaving me with the most excruciating headache ever. seriously, had my head split open and vast amounts of white wine come pouring out, i wouldn't have been surprised.
ok, so, yes. apparently, i'm that skank who makes out with a guy at a bar. ugh. this is what happens when i get no lovin for extended periods of time. i drink too much, decide "eh, he'll do" and proceed to make out. in public. i kind of want to die. so here's the story - 2 guys at the bar last night approached amanda and i and ended up sitting with us in our booth. they work in sales for some elevator company. i don't know. nor do i care. anywho, after a while, dude next to me is like, "hey, come back here for a sec. i want to talk to you..." translation: come to the back corner of the bar where no one can see and i'm going to grope you. so, we walk back there and here's kinda how i remember things....
(after a bit of kissy stuff)
kiss, kiss, grope, grope, smacking hands away, grope, grope
me: ok, you're gonna need to stop. now.
dude: sorry, sorry. i just couldn't help it.
me: (rolling eyes) whatever. i don't even like making out in public, much less being totally groped for the world to see.
self: you tell him girl. he couldn't help it? lame ass.
dude: but no one can see us, it's fine
me: no, it's not fine. we are in a BAR. a BAR is a public place. and, you shouldn't still be trying to grope me.
dude: ok, sorry. can i get your number?
self: no! no! no! do not give him our number!
me: (inner comment to self: don't worry - you'll like this) fine. i'll give you my number if you can tell me my name.
dude: uhhhh.....
me: that's what i thought
self: you are such a bitch! i love it!
dude: wait! it starts with an A!
me: yeah, well, there are lots of names that begin with A. that's not gonna cut it.
dude: amy? no? ok, umm... angelina?
me: do i look like a fucking angelina? clearly you're just not trying.
self: tee hee hee! this is fun.
dude: april? angela? amanda?
me: getting closer. at least you guessed my friend's name. how about this - the first 3 letters are A-N-D
dude: (loooonnngggg pause during which you can almost see his drunk little brain cells struggling) andrea?
me: good job. i'm still not giving you my number.
dude: well, do you know what my name is? i bet you don't!
me: der. your name is bob.
dude: no it's not!
me: it is now.
self: i'm enjoying your drunkenness tonight. keep going.
dude: my name isn't bob!
me: fine, i'll call you otis.
self: hee hee. after the elevator company that he doesn't even work for. nice.
dude: (rolling eyes) can we just make out some more?
me: sorry otis. you kinda ruined the moment with all that groping earlier. i'm going to the restroom and then my friend and i need to go home.
self: oooh snap!
dude: (sighing) fine. you sure i can't just get your number?
me: (walking away with falsely apologetic smile) should have paid more attention and remembered my name.
the moral of the story - boys are DUMB. oh, and don't make out at a bar - it's tacky. i have to go hide my head in shame and take more advil now. damn alcohol.
ok, so, yes. apparently, i'm that skank who makes out with a guy at a bar. ugh. this is what happens when i get no lovin for extended periods of time. i drink too much, decide "eh, he'll do" and proceed to make out. in public. i kind of want to die. so here's the story - 2 guys at the bar last night approached amanda and i and ended up sitting with us in our booth. they work in sales for some elevator company. i don't know. nor do i care. anywho, after a while, dude next to me is like, "hey, come back here for a sec. i want to talk to you..." translation: come to the back corner of the bar where no one can see and i'm going to grope you. so, we walk back there and here's kinda how i remember things....
(after a bit of kissy stuff)
kiss, kiss, grope, grope, smacking hands away, grope, grope
me: ok, you're gonna need to stop. now.
dude: sorry, sorry. i just couldn't help it.
me: (rolling eyes) whatever. i don't even like making out in public, much less being totally groped for the world to see.
self: you tell him girl. he couldn't help it? lame ass.
dude: but no one can see us, it's fine
me: no, it's not fine. we are in a BAR. a BAR is a public place. and, you shouldn't still be trying to grope me.
dude: ok, sorry. can i get your number?
self: no! no! no! do not give him our number!
me: (inner comment to self: don't worry - you'll like this) fine. i'll give you my number if you can tell me my name.
dude: uhhhh.....
me: that's what i thought
self: you are such a bitch! i love it!
dude: wait! it starts with an A!
me: yeah, well, there are lots of names that begin with A. that's not gonna cut it.
dude: amy? no? ok, umm... angelina?
me: do i look like a fucking angelina? clearly you're just not trying.
self: tee hee hee! this is fun.
dude: april? angela? amanda?
me: getting closer. at least you guessed my friend's name. how about this - the first 3 letters are A-N-D
dude: (loooonnngggg pause during which you can almost see his drunk little brain cells struggling) andrea?
me: good job. i'm still not giving you my number.
dude: well, do you know what my name is? i bet you don't!
me: der. your name is bob.
dude: no it's not!
me: it is now.
self: i'm enjoying your drunkenness tonight. keep going.
dude: my name isn't bob!
me: fine, i'll call you otis.
self: hee hee. after the elevator company that he doesn't even work for. nice.
dude: (rolling eyes) can we just make out some more?
me: sorry otis. you kinda ruined the moment with all that groping earlier. i'm going to the restroom and then my friend and i need to go home.
self: oooh snap!
dude: (sighing) fine. you sure i can't just get your number?
me: (walking away with falsely apologetic smile) should have paid more attention and remembered my name.
the moral of the story - boys are DUMB. oh, and don't make out at a bar - it's tacky. i have to go hide my head in shame and take more advil now. damn alcohol.
Aug 27, 2006
the single vitruvian woman
most people (thanks, i'm sure, in large part to dan brown and the popularity of "the da vinci code") know of leondardo da vinci's drawing of the vitruvian man. the vitruvian man, based on the theories of the architect vetruvius and brought to the masses by da vinci, illustrates how the measurements of the human body are distributed by nature in many aspects. for example, elbow to wrist equals the length of your foot, from the roots of the hair to the bottom of the chin is 1/10 of you height, and the length of your armspan is equal to your height. don't believe me? go ahead and measure. i'll wait.
ok, done? great. da vinci is pretty right on with the vitruvian man and the measurements that correspond to height and other body parts. but, why is it that sometimes those theories of measurement by nature don't pan out? i have complained and joked on several occassions about my freakishly long arms. (trust me, even the lady at the gap told me they were strangely long for my body) so, i put leonardo's theory to the test. i am just about 5'3", though i like to say i'm at least 5'4" - because that really makes a difference, right? when i measured my armspan, i found, to no surprise, that it was nearly 5'6" in length, thus violating the theory that armspan equals height. shit. i got robbed!
what i think is this - i've so adapted to the single life, that my arms have also gone through the adaptation process. like creatures in the wild that evolve and change to adapt to their surroundings and environment, i have gained a good 3 inches of armspan. how does this relate to being single? let me enlighten you.
a) i can reach and effectively scratch every single, solitary spot on my back. i can do this with no pain, no weird twisting motions, no rubbing my back against walls or objects. it's cake.
b) with approximately 1 1/2 inches of extra arm length on each upper appendage, i'm just able to reach many things on shelves and in cabinets that i would need a step stool to get to had my arms been the correct length for my height.
c) i can zip, button, snap and tie any piece of clothing with a back closure. no need for anyone to help in that department. in turn, i can also remove said clothing with the greatest of ease.
d) i used to be able to hug myself and grasp my fingers behind my back. very comforting when you're sad and have no boyfriend to comfort you. unfortunately, this little trick has gone away temporarily because i seem to be getting fatter and now cannot get my fingers to touch, though it's close. i'd like to blame it on my large breasts getting in the way, but we all know what a lie that would be.
i could probably name more advantages, but you get my point. i don't need a guy around to scratch my back, tie a garment, unzip a dress, reach for the laundry detergent, or even hug me. nature has allowed me to adapt to my single environment and do these things for myself.
so, i wonder - what other adaptations will emerge over the upcoming years of singledom? will i get a pet and teach it to open beer bottles for me? will the brain cells that facilitate my longing for someone to curl up with on the couch or invite out to dinner start to dry up and die? will my emotions just start to drain out of my body, only to be replaced by a need for solitude and insignificant one night stands? maybe my need for companionship will be completely filled by self. *shudder*
adaptation of a species? the new vitruvian woman? you tell me....
ok, done? great. da vinci is pretty right on with the vitruvian man and the measurements that correspond to height and other body parts. but, why is it that sometimes those theories of measurement by nature don't pan out? i have complained and joked on several occassions about my freakishly long arms. (trust me, even the lady at the gap told me they were strangely long for my body) so, i put leonardo's theory to the test. i am just about 5'3", though i like to say i'm at least 5'4" - because that really makes a difference, right? when i measured my armspan, i found, to no surprise, that it was nearly 5'6" in length, thus violating the theory that armspan equals height. shit. i got robbed!
what i think is this - i've so adapted to the single life, that my arms have also gone through the adaptation process. like creatures in the wild that evolve and change to adapt to their surroundings and environment, i have gained a good 3 inches of armspan. how does this relate to being single? let me enlighten you.
a) i can reach and effectively scratch every single, solitary spot on my back. i can do this with no pain, no weird twisting motions, no rubbing my back against walls or objects. it's cake.
b) with approximately 1 1/2 inches of extra arm length on each upper appendage, i'm just able to reach many things on shelves and in cabinets that i would need a step stool to get to had my arms been the correct length for my height.
c) i can zip, button, snap and tie any piece of clothing with a back closure. no need for anyone to help in that department. in turn, i can also remove said clothing with the greatest of ease.
d) i used to be able to hug myself and grasp my fingers behind my back. very comforting when you're sad and have no boyfriend to comfort you. unfortunately, this little trick has gone away temporarily because i seem to be getting fatter and now cannot get my fingers to touch, though it's close. i'd like to blame it on my large breasts getting in the way, but we all know what a lie that would be.
i could probably name more advantages, but you get my point. i don't need a guy around to scratch my back, tie a garment, unzip a dress, reach for the laundry detergent, or even hug me. nature has allowed me to adapt to my single environment and do these things for myself.
so, i wonder - what other adaptations will emerge over the upcoming years of singledom? will i get a pet and teach it to open beer bottles for me? will the brain cells that facilitate my longing for someone to curl up with on the couch or invite out to dinner start to dry up and die? will my emotions just start to drain out of my body, only to be replaced by a need for solitude and insignificant one night stands? maybe my need for companionship will be completely filled by self. *shudder*
adaptation of a species? the new vitruvian woman? you tell me....
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