screw cupid AND his candy hearts

one morning last week i awoke, rolled out of bed and stumbled groggily into the kitchen. as i shuffled on autopilot toward the coffeepot, aka my life support, i remembered with a start that we were out of coffee. i cursed myself for not dragging my lazy ass to the store the day before to buy that life sustaining bag of beans. so, i threw on clothes, brushed my teeth and headed to a place ranking only above hell in my list of places i never want to visit - the grocery store.

i moved as quickly as possible through the store, avoiding fellow shoppers, stockboys, and other obstacles. i picked up a bagel, some fruit, creamer, cereal, and a bag of that blessed columbian blend that i love so much. in the process of rounding up these items, i was hit by a kid trying to drive his mom's cart, run into by an obnoxious woman on her cell phone, and managed to lay my keys down next to the bagels and then spend the rest of my time in the store retracing my steps until i found them. clearly, i do not do well without caffeine and i was not in a good mood.

finally, i was ready to checkout and head home. walking toward the checkout i noticed a display at the end of one of the aisles. it was full of valentine's day candy. and for some reason, all those red, pink and white bags and boxes covered in hearts filled me with rage. if cupid has an evil twin, i'm pretty sure he shot me right in the ass with his arrow that morning. as i walked past the display i noticed these lying on the floor. without missing a beat, i walked by and stomped on them. just stomped. right in stride, boom, boom, you're dead candy hearts! you will tell me no more lies. and then i continued on my way to the checkout with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. somewhere, cupid's evil twin is smiling down on me and all of the other bitter people who are dreading this upcoming holiday. and for us, he has provided these. well done. thanks for telling the truth.