first confession

for some reason, i got to thinking about the catholic sacrament of reconciliation (maybe that's a sign that i've done something bad and need to be asking forgiveness from someone) and my own experience with it. i started my education in catholic school where, as some of you may know, you go through certain ceremonies (a.k.a. sacraments) at an early age. a few months after going through the traumatic process of being born and forced into a loud, bright, strange world of oogling people, you are taken to a church where an old guy in a robe says lots of things you don't understand and then pours cold water on your head, causing you to scream and flail, which is only made more frustrating by the layers of white lacey communion gown shrouding your entire being. everyone smiles at you as you sit there trapped, scared, crying and you wonder what is wrong with all of these people watching the old guy try to drown you without even bothering to help. eventually everyone goes back to your parents' house for cake and you probably receive gifts, most of which have no practical application for you as they tend to be savings bonds and items for your future rather than a nice teething ring or baby einstein video. baptism - check.

usually somewhere in the realm of 1st - 3rd grade you are again presented with the sacraments. and here you thought being held against your will and doused with water was the worst of it. wrong. the next two events in your catholic upbringing are first reconciliation and first communion. now, i really have no complaints about the communion thing because i remember my own quite fondly. i got a rockin' white dress, very grown up dress shoes and lots of photo opps. all i had to do was show up looking fabulous, eat a piece of dried out bread, take a sip of wine and smile nicely for pictures. oh, and eat cake and open gifts at the after party. hello - not a bad way to spend a sunday!

but let's regress. before first communion, you complete your first confession, or reconciliation, as a way to purify your soul and learn how to ask for forgiveness from god. i'll be honest - the thought of going into a confessional and confiding everything i'd done wrong, regardless of whether i'd been caught doing it, freaked me out a little. not sure if the old guy in the robe would give me a penance, i was sort of convinced that i'd burn in hell, so i started to worry. the weeks leading up to my first confession were nerve-wracking and anxiety-filled. by the time the big day came i was thinking i might tell him my sins and, instead of telling me i could be forgiven - with the correct number of incantations of the "hail mary" and "our father", of course - he would shake his head behind the screen, press a button and a trap door would open under me and send me directly to satan himself.

we were herded in like sheep and directed to sit silently and pray while we waited for our turns. one-by-one we were called in and once you finished with your confession, you were sent straight to another area to kneel and conduct your penance. this left everyone waiting on pins and needles, straining to see what each classmate looked like when they came out. would there be tears? would some be sent straight to the prinicpal's office? would there be calls to parents to inform them of just how bad their children were? we were told that our sins were just between us and the priest, and of course jesus, god and everyone in heaven, but that no other living being would be told anything and no one would get in trouble. yeah, right. we knew better than to fold with that flimsy reassurance. still, we had the fear in us from weeks of preparation and the fire and brimstone of what god does to sinners who don't confess, so we were all there to come clean, like it or not.

my turn came and i walked to the confessional, my sweaty little hands fumbling with the door. i knelt and faced the screen, the lines and prayer i needed to say scrawled on a notecard, just in case i got stage fright and forgot. i began as i had been told to - "bless me father for i have sinned. this is my...(pause for effect and deep breath)...first confession." after that, poor father got an earful. i spouted off a laundry list of sins, some true, most not. you see, i was worried after comparing notes with my friends that maybe i didn't have enough sins so i started making things up. i didn't want god to be disappointed or think that i was hiding anything so it was no holds barred - forget the fact that lying to a priest, and in effect god, is probably a worse sin that hitting my sister or being sassy to my parents.

nevertheless, i wrapped it up and let out a gargantuan sigh, awaiting my fate. the priest went through his canned response and finished up with a prayer. i was holding my breath in anticipation and was finally given my sentence. for absolution and forgiveness i simply needed to say several sets of two prayers. i scrambled out of the confessional and joined a few of my classmates, already kneeling and softly chanting their given number of repetitions. we quickly compared our respecive punshments and decided to race to see who could get finished with each prayer, each time it was said, the fastest. it was certainly more interesting that way and we were going to be forgiven, no matter how quickly we finished up, right? i figured god would appreciate our speed since there were 20 of us filling his ear that day.

i don't know how many times i've actually been to confession since then. maybe a handful of times, if that. since i've been old enough to better understand reconciliation as a catholic sacrament, i've thought about that first confession with wry amusement. the hand wringing, the bad dreams, the list of alleged sins.... everything that went into preparing for a day when all i knew was that maybe i wasn't bad enough and saying x number of prayers would wipe my slate clean. i can only imagine what the priest felt, getting up that day, looking at his calendar and seeing that he had to hear the confessions of 20 little snots. i wonder if he made bets with the nuns about how many times he'd hear "i talked back to my parents" or "i hit my brother." i really hope that he took a big ol' chalice of that alter wine in with him and at least had a few cocktails while absolving the second grade class of our heinous sins.

memememememememememememe......

was tagged for this by adam, so here it is. if you don't feel like reading, at least check the bottom of the post to see if you've been tagged. :)


1. What are your current obsessions? sangria, the possibility of learning spanish via rosetta stone, things to do when my sister and family are here next month

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often? grey hoodie and black running pants. comfort is key!

3. Last dream you had? oh dear... my dreams are crazy all the time, but last night's consisted of vampires floating in a pool of water where i was stuck on a little raft, but then i blew a whistle and i was transported to a hallway with a very tall man who walked me into a room full of my colleagues waiting for me to present, but i had forgotten my shoes and was worried about being barefoot, so i ran out to the parking lot only to find it was flooded and i had to make my way to the train station through the water but there was no train, only a bus full of people who didn't speak english and wouldn't give me any shoes but then i was trapped on the bus with them and we were in some city in the mountains so i jumped off the bus and started running.... i don't think i need to go on. this is how i dream ALL the time. it's exhausting.

4. Last thing you bought? a 6" subway sammie

5. What are you listening to? my roommate watching tonight's episode of survivor

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be? probably eris, the goddess of discord and chaos

7. Favourite holiday spots? london, st. croix, napa

8. Reading right now? just finished "the namesake" and getting ready to start "roma". still trying to finish "the corrections" - going on 7 years now....

9. Four words to describe yourself sarcastic, easy-going, friendly, realistic

10. Guilty pleasure? back-to-back episodes of old school 90210 on the weekends

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? my niece

12. Favourite spring thing to do? it's a tie - tennis and/or sitting outside on the deck with friends, cooking out and having drinks

13. When you die, what would you like people to say about you at your funeral? "damn, that woman made a killer cocktail"

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately? mexican fiesta with the roommates on cinco de mayo

15. When did you last go for a night out? in munich at the hofbrauhaus last weekend

16. Where is the next place you'd like to travel? Italy!

17. Care to share some wisdom? expect nothing and you will rarely be disappointed

18. Song you can’t get out of your head? beyonce - "single ladies"

19. Thing you are looking forward to? my sister and family coming to chicago in june!!!!! i cannot explain how excited i am for this!!!!!!

20. Which disease or condition would you most like to see eradicated? i'm torn between cancer and alzheimer's because both have brought a lot of sadness to my family

21. What is your most irrational fear? falling down and breaking my teeth. weird, i know.

22. what irritates you on a regular basis? people who can't drive!!!

23. What is the most important lesson you've learned from someone in your life? to treat everyone fairly and not judge others - from my ma-maw who displayed this every single day

Rules of the game. Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Tag 6 people.

ready, set, meme! gretchen, lyn, amanda, rachel, colleen (i know that's only 5, but that's all i have to tag!)

saw this meme over at the noble savage's blog and thought i'd take a stab at it myself...

15 years ago today I would have been:
· a junior in high school who had just gotten a rockin’ new (used) sports car
· prom dress shopping
· in the middle of tennis season playing #2 doubles
· wondering why high school guys are so ridiculously immature

10 years ago today I would have been:
· still at IU, still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up
· buying alcohol for all of my underage friends
· in a horrible relationship refusing to see how badly I was being treated
· working as a server and bartender at a chain restaurant where I ended up meeting some of my very best friends

5 years ago today I would have been:
· having major meltdowns working three jobs and trying to figure out how to make the idea of moving to chicago a reality
· talking to my friend adam daily about our big plans to relocate to the windy city
· helping a non-profit start a local chapter from scratch
· living with two roommates (aka my parents)

1 year ago today I would have been:
· getting excited for my upcoming trip to London and Amsterdam in may
· working in the middle of downtown Chicago on the magnificent mile
· still single and still pretty ok with that
· deciding to move into a new apartment with three roommies (not my parents)
· celebrating my niece’s 2nd birthday an ocean away

This year I am:
· in a new job with a lot more responsibility and creative freedom
· determined to make better financial decisions and make a plan to pay off my remaining debt
· refusing to feel bad for being single and will NOT resort to internet dating, no matter how easy the commercials make it seem
· looking forward to having my sis and family come visit and stay with me!!
· treasuring the moments of laughter and clarity with my grandfather who is suffering from Alzheimer’s
· joining the board of an organization with a mission very close to my heart
· traveling as much as my vacation time and bank account will allow

Today I:
· had lunch with a dear friend
· fought the battle of gym v. happy hour (happy hour won)
· sang at the top of my lungs while driving with my windows rolled down
· forced myself to work on several tedious projects that will pay off down the road
· drank 5 cups of coffee
· am still wondering why guys are so ridiculously immature

Next year I hope:
· to be in a healthier mode – more exercise, better diet, lower bmi
· to be planning my next oversees trip
· to be looking for my own apartment (unless we all agree to suffer another year in the construction zone of 4119!)
· to hold a higher position on the board
· to have moved up in my job

In five years I hope:
· to be in a much higher position in non-profit development or running a corporate foundation
· my sister and family have been convinced to move back to the states and live near me in chicago
· to have traveled to italy, spain, france and greece
· my parents are healthy and well (that goes for my whole family, actually)
· to be debt-free
· to be as close with my friends as I am now, even though many of them will be settling down, getting married and having kids

brother can you spare a dime?

I am reposting this from LookingBackMovingForward. If anyone is looking for a way to help someone who has been affected not only by the economic downturn, but also by the sudden loss of a spouse, read on....

Helping Hands
What would you do if you were suddenly faced with an emotional and financial crisis that caused you to lose your home, your cars, and your bank accounts, all while dealing with the emotional loss of a spouse and having to become the sole supporter for your young child? That is exactly what one of my employees is facing after the sudden death of her 34 year old husband. She returned to work just two weeks after burying her spouse, not because she was emotionally ready to do that, but because she had no choice. Her leased vehicles have already gone back because she could not afford to make the payments and she will most likely lose her home in the months to come. Her bank account is frozen and she has no expectation that she will have anything left after the creditors claim their share. The life insurance she thought they had seems to be non-existent because her husband had been on lay-off from his auto manufacturing job and most of his benefits ended with that lay-off. She is struggling to remain strong for her daughter's sake. But the bleakness of her situation is weighing heavily on her. She told me she hates to go home after a 12 hour shift to an eerily quiet house so she roams the aisles of the 24-hour Walmart near her home. She tries not to think about what is to come when she finally will have to pack up her belongings and move out of the home she shared with her spouse, leaving behind the memories and all their hopes for the future. She will become another mother forced unwillingly to rely on the system for assistance. There will be help for her once she has lost everything else, including her pride.

I understand all too well what it feels like to have your world turned upside down and I feel compelled to reach out to my friends and family to ask for any donations they would care to make to a stranger in crisis. While I know that this is only a temporary aid to her situation it will also be a way to let her know that she is not alone in this, that people everywhere are empathetic to a situation that any one of us could find ourselves in at any given moment. To know that people care about each other is more comforting than you can know. If you would like to help a stranger in need please contact me at ledinctucky@yahoo.com. Help in the form of money, food, unused gift cards that you have tucked in your wallets, free legal or accounting advice to help her through the maze of paperwork, etc. would all be welcome.**

In closing, I would like to suggest that everyone check into your health, life, and disability benefits and what rights you have in the event of a lay-off to continue those benefits. Read and understand all the fine print that so often slips past people. Check into seperate life insurance that is not tied to your employment. Open an individual checking or savings account so you will always have access to some money in an event like this. Lastly, never let the chance to tell your friends and family that you love them escape you. There are no guarantees that you will be given another chance tomorrow.

**Please note that LookingBackMovingForward is a very trusted blog (my mom's!), so for any of you who feel compelled to do anything (and by no means should you feel like you have to, but I just wanted to put this out there), please know that your help, dollars, gift cards, advice, etc. will go directly to the woman and her child and will not be used for any other purposes.

lol

this made me chuckle...

"alone people don't like to hear about together people, ok? even if the alone people are alone by choice. it's sort of mean, it's sort of like bringing a six pack to an AA meeting. keep it to yourself." - callie torres, "grey's anatomy"

we've come for your daughter, chuck

wow, i've been away from the blogging world a long time. the last couple of months have been crazy. i traveled to london and had a great time visiting my sister and her family, followed by returning to the states and giving notice at work, then jetting off to st. croix for a few days of beach and sun, then back home to begin my new job. whew! now that i've been back and have a whole week behind me in the new job and no trips out of the country coming up anytime soon, i figured i'd get back to the business of blogging. after all, i have very important, life-changing things to ponder about, the most recent being the beetlejuice theory.

my friend rachel and i have been joking for a while about this phenomenon but didn't really have a name for it until recently. let me first give some background for those who have not - gasp! - seen the movie beetlejuice. in beetlejuice, michael keeton plays this creepily entertaining dead guy who can be summoned by the living if they call his name three times. they say "beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice!" and in he pops, causing all sorts of trouble and chaos until he is banished again. in the beginning he seems to be a good guy, but you quickly learn he only has his own interests in mind and he keeps coming around, regardless of the fact that he isn't wanted or needed.

so, back to the theory. it has come to the attention of both rachel and myself that there are certain exes in our lives that seem to crawl out of the woodwork and contact us at the most random times. weeks or months will pass with no word from them and then suddenly - poof! - we get a call, a text, an email, a facebook message, etc. as we compared notes, we started to realize that the exes seemed to turn back up within a day, maybe hours or sometimes even minutes, of their names being brought up in conversation. hence, the beetlejuice theory was born. much like the character the theory is named after, we don't really want to hear from these people. they've been banished to our past for a reason and yet they still come around. they seemed great at first, but showed their true colors at some point and now just pop back around for various reasons, all pertaining to their own interests, not ours. inevitably, they will disappear again once they realize we are not here to play along and be at their beck and call; still, they never seem to vanish completely.

i do have to make one important note - the beetlejuice theory only works when the person who reappears is beetlejuiced on accident, i.e. mentioned in random conversation, re-telling a story, etc. it does not work to sit and chant an ex's name in the hope that he will magically text you. the whole premise of the beetlejuice theory is inadvertently summoning someone who will annoy, frustrate, and wreak havoc in your current life for their own means.

my advice - tread lightly when you talk of exes past. they will come back to haunt you in some way, shape or form.

prop 8 - the musical

i saw this over at tankboy today and couldn't resist posting it here. hilarious.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die