Jan 23, 2007

misfortune cookie

i remember the time i got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it. i figured it was that whole "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" philosophy and the all-knowing fortune cookie was simply taking the high road by choosing not to reveal my bad luck or craptastic karma. so, bitch though i did, i was secretly relieved. no news is good news, right?

fast forward to a cold night last january. sitting at home, waiting for a call about a date that never showed. i chose to drown my sorrows in wine and a buffet of chinese food. after hoovering more crab rangoon, rice, general tsao's chicken and lo-mein than any one human should ingest in a single sitting, i turned to my fortune cookie for comfort and the promise of something, anything, to hope for. here is what that little scrap of paper said:

"work on improving your exercise routine"

what the fucking hell? just. plain. rude. THAT was the last thing i needed to be told after being stood up and eating enough to feed a third world country. ugh.

fast forward again to last night. after enjoying some yummy sushi and fried rice, i pulled the plastic off my fortune cookie and broke it open. lo and behold, the fortune inside was yet another spectacular message. it read:

"voice your fears. safety may be at stake"
jesus, mary and joseph! can't a girl get a decent fortune?? does the all powerful fortune cookie god really hate me that much? and i have to admit, because i'm getting ready to jump on a plane to colorado and go skiing for the first time to celebrate my 30th bday, i'm a little nervous about this one warning me of impending doom. there. i said it. i voiced my fear. does that mean my safety is no longer at stake?? shitfuck. i'd like to go back to the empty cookie, please.
i think from now on i will bypass reading my fortune cookies all together. that way, what i don't know won't hurt me, right? oh, and in case anyone out there wants to know how it feels to be me, check this out. welcome to my world.

Jan 15, 2007

screw cupid AND his candy hearts

one morning last week i awoke, rolled out of bed and stumbled groggily into the kitchen. as i shuffled on autopilot toward the coffeepot, aka my life support, i remembered with a start that we were out of coffee. i cursed myself for not dragging my lazy ass to the store the day before to buy that life sustaining bag of beans. so, i threw on clothes, brushed my teeth and headed to a place ranking only above hell in my list of places i never want to visit - the grocery store.

i moved as quickly as possible through the store, avoiding fellow shoppers, stockboys, and other obstacles. i picked up a bagel, some fruit, creamer, cereal, and a bag of that blessed columbian blend that i love so much. in the process of rounding up these items, i was hit by a kid trying to drive his mom's cart, run into by an obnoxious woman on her cell phone, and managed to lay my keys down next to the bagels and then spend the rest of my time in the store retracing my steps until i found them. clearly, i do not do well without caffeine and i was not in a good mood.

finally, i was ready to checkout and head home. walking toward the checkout i noticed a display at the end of one of the aisles. it was full of valentine's day candy. and for some reason, all those red, pink and white bags and boxes covered in hearts filled me with rage. if cupid has an evil twin, i'm pretty sure he shot me right in the ass with his arrow that morning. as i walked past the display i noticed these lying on the floor. without missing a beat, i walked by and stomped on them. just stomped. right in stride, boom, boom, you're dead candy hearts! you will tell me no more lies. and then i continued on my way to the checkout with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. somewhere, cupid's evil twin is smiling down on me and all of the other bitter people who are dreading this upcoming holiday. and for us, he has provided these. well done. thanks for telling the truth.

Jan 8, 2007

um, no.

i was in a great mood this afternoon. my all-day meeting wrapped up around 2:00, leaving me with ample time to run errands and do with my afternoon whatever i wanted. the sun was shining, the air was cold and brisk, and i was walking down michigan avenue looking around with that weird appreciation for my city that sometimes strikes me when i stop long enough to let it.

so i'm walking along and heading toward me from the opposite direction is a man, probably 5'10", 250 pounds, in his early - mid 40s. he looks somewhat normal, though not very attractive, does not appear to be homeless or threatening, and probably would have passed by unnoticed had he not decided to try to communicate with me. as he gets closer he starts talking to (at) me. what does he say, you ask? please allow me to share:

dude (turning to talk at me as i attempt to keep walking and avoid him): "i'm single, i have no car, and i have no job! you just won the jackpot, baby!"

me: "um, no." (still walking)

dude: (still turning to talk at me after i'm past him) "oh come on!!"

me: "ew."

because i was actually in a good mood, i did not unleash self on him, but it did sort of make me want to stop and ask him why he would stop a girl in the middle of michigan avenue and announce that he is jobless, carless, and, luckily, he's single. what kind of reaction does a person expect from that kind of behavior?

apparently, this is what is attracted to me. and people ask why i'm single. it sure beats the hell out of the alternative.

Jan 3, 2007

hindsight is...too late

i've been trying to figure out a way to recap 2006 in a fun/witty/clever/interesting way and i've come to the conclusion that i have a mental block against dissecting the past year to pinpoint the good, the bad, and the ugly. self had the bad and ugly parts taken care of, as you might imagine, but i really want to focus on the good, especially now that it is a new year and, cliche as it might sound, a chance for a new start.

all in all, my year was somewhat of a rollercoaster. there were breakups and makeups, hookups and rejections, old friends and new ones, weddings and funerals, babies and engagements. there were changes in living situations, a visit to england, meeting my adorable niece, great opportunities at work, and a constant love for this city i live in. and let's not forget all of the concerts and bars and boys - oh my! there was laughter and tears and days when i didn't think i could get out of bed followed by days when i laughed so hard with my friends that i thought i might never stop smiling. i've been disappointed, overwhelmed, surprised, bitter, enlightened, frustrated, sad and delighted. i've walked out of my apartment cursing the day, only to have something or someone remind me of how lucky i am to have the life i do.

it's been a year of starbucks, wine, dinners with friends, brunches, happy hours and the occasional trip to the gym. i've played a lot of tennis, a lot of euchre and a little kickball. i've had my heart broken and when i thought i would never get over it, my friends were there to pick me up and help me through it. i've watched my little sister grow into a fantastic mom and my parents into doting grandparents. i'm reminded all the time that no matter what happens, no matter how many times a bird shits on me or a guy dumps me or i'm stressed out at work, my friends and family are my lifeline.

that's what my 2006 was really about - the people in my life. 2006 may have been a rollercoaster, but i'm so glad that when i look back at the good, the bad, and the ugly that i had my friends and family along for the ride.