Dec 22, 2006

to we or not to we

ok, so i know it's really annoying when you're talking with a new guy and 2 minutes into the conversation, he is overwhelming you with "WE do this", "WE do that", "WE like that bar", "WE hate that restaurant", "WE might be breaking up", etc. if i'm just standing next to someone at the bar, making idle conversation while waiting for a drink, i don't need to know the details of his relationship. however, there are certain situations when "WEing" is not only appropriate, but would be considered a courtesy.

i was at a work event a few weeks ago and hit it off really well with the guy who had organized it. the whole time we were there we were talking, asking each other about work, college, hobbies, bars, friends, living situations, etc. he made some flirty comments and i, who am told by my friends that i wouldn't recognize that a guy is flirting with me if he threw me over his shoulder and dragged me to his cave, actually thought there might be a spark. we had a lot in common, he had a fun, sarcastic sense of humor, and he never mentioned that he was dating anyone. period.

so, after a long thanksgiving weekend away and much coaching and encouragement from my friends, i finally crafted an email to him the week after we met. i referenced the work event, said it was nice to meet him, and then threw in the invitation that if he was going to be at x bar (one we agreed was a favorite for both of us and happened to be in my neighborhood) anytime soon and wanted to grab a drink, to let me know. as my friend ann would say, i was being the hunter. pat, pat, pat on the back for me. i seldom make a move on a guy, especially one i've met in a work situation. in fact, i've never thought of anyone i worked with as anything but a peer or colleague. but, there was something about this guy and how we got along and the flirty crap he said that made me take a deep breath, hit send, and pray i wouldn't regret it.

that was the tuesday after thanksgiving. i checked my email somewhat obsessively everyday after, growing more and more certain that i had made a complete and total ass of myself and he would never respond. to my chagrin, i finally got an email back on tuesday this week. i opened the email, with my hand halfway over my eyes as if that would protect me from any impending rejection that awaited. the message was very nice, said that he had enjoyed meeting me as well and as much as he appreciated the invite for a drink, he's actually dating someone and he didn't think it would be appropriate.

auuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sweet jesus in heaven. why the fuck had i even bothered to go out on a limb and ask this guy to meet up for a drink?! ugh. i just wanted to shrink into a corner and beat my head against the wall. had i really misread the situation?! did i imagine that there was a flirtation? what the hell had i been thinking? the whole thing has made me seriously question my ability to adequately gage interest from the opposite sex.

but, here's the question - shouldn't he have "WE'd" at some point? shouldn't there have been some sort of "WE like to go to that bar" or "WE are going to my parents' house for thanksgiving" or "WE are so busy during the holidays" or something?? couldn't there have been some reference to the girlfriend during our 2 hour conversation?

i'm so annoyed. all i seem to run into lately are guys who are dating someone else and either fail to mention it, not really care that they are dating someone and hit on me anyway, or tell me they're dating someone but it's not working out. great. JUST what i need. there needs to be rules on "WEing". be considerate. please. "WE" when appropriate and save some poor girl the trauma of making a fool of herself.

Dec 18, 2006

humiliation a la email

i got an email forward from a friend the other day. before i describe the email and how i managed to completely humiliate myself, let me explain the dynamics of this particular friendship. this guy lives on the east coast and i met him when i was out visiting another friend a couple of years ago. we hit it off, hooked up, and have continued to keep in touch. he sent me flowers on my birthday, came to visit last march, and we still talk and flirt, but nothing will ever come of it. ok, that said, i got an email forward from him the other day.

as soon as i saw it, i immediately thought that it might be a good topic for my blog. the email was a forwarded link to a "crush calculator." now, coming from this guy, i was a little surprised to get this kind of email, but no matter. i clicked on the link and landed on a page that gushed about how the crush calculator could determine whether or not someone was your true love, soulmate, blah, blah, blah. i rubbed my palms together with wicked anticipation, ready to completely defy this asinine idea of simply putting your name and someone else's name in a weblink and hitting "go!" to find out who your true soulmate is. the possibilities for ripping this thing to shreds on my blog were endless. i cackled with an evil satisfaction of finding yet another dating mechanism to tear apart. (see previous rants regarding online dating, kizmeet, blind dates, picking up men at church, etc.)

i folllowed the simple instructions: your full name. check. the names of up to 3 "crushes." hmmm.... let's really make this thing wonder... we'll choose the gay friend, the boy who never called, and the ex. none of these would ever result in my eternal happiness (well, the gay friend could except for that whole sex thing), so i couldn't wait to see what the all-knowing oz of the crush calculator would say about these guys. i typed in the three names and clicked enter.

to my horror, a screen popped up and said something to the effect of, "the joke's on you! your name and the names of the people you entered have been sent to: (insert name of person who had forwarded email)" i almost died. not that it matters that my friend got those names back, but come on... when it's a "friend" you've hooked up with and still have a flirtation with, do you really want to send them the names of 3 guys you actually put into a crush calculator?!

so, tail between my legs, i sent my friend an email that was all, "ha ha, very funny! did you, um, actually get an email back? because you know i was just testing this thing out so i could make fun of it on my blog...." to which i get a response like "yeah, got the email back and you listed x,y, and z. suuuuuure you did it for the blog! of all the people i sent that to, you're the only one who did it. ha ha!"

christ. fuck. ugh. how embarrassing. but it really WAS for the blog! and now the friend thinks i have a) a secret crush on my gay friend, b) the pathetic hope that dude will still call and c) that i want to get back together with the ex. no bueno.

Dec 7, 2006

consolation dating

we've all been in this situation. you go out with a friend and you're sitting at the bar sipping (chugging) wine, having a serious conversation when two guys approach. they order shots and ask if you ladies would like to do one with them. never ones to turn down free alcohol, the two of you politely accept, shoot, and thank. they end up sitting down and spending the rest of the evening chatting (drinking) away with you both. great. except for the fact that one guy is really cute and the other is, well, not so much. cute guy inevitably likes your friend and you end up hanging out with the sidekick all night. which is totally fine. that's all in the friendship code of wingman behavior. but - and you know this moment is coming - eventually sidekick asks for your number, wants to take you out, etc. and what do you do?

i compare it to being given a consolation prize in a game or contest. the prize isn't something you want, it's not really something you'll use, but you can't trade it in for anything better. so, you take the prize, knowing that after this moment is over, you'll put it away and not really have any desire to see it again. that's not to say that the prize is grotesque, inappropriate, or mangy, it just isn't something that you can really find a use for.

so when it comes to consolation dating, what do you do? do you lie and say you're dating someone? do you give your number and then just avoid his calls until he gets the hint? (aka the same behavior the entire female population detests in men) do you just answer the phone and give him some lame excuse? (i.e. the not really dating right now, just got out of a relationship, not looking for anything, focusing on my career, i have 14 children with 6 different men thing?) do you politely explain that you were hammered, trying to be a good sport to help your friend snag the cute one, and you were really just being a bit of an attention whore and have no intention of actually going out with him? or do you go out with him once, just to see how it goes, even though you aren't interested? (and therefore waste a perfectly good evening trying not to look at your watch, formulating an excuse in your head as to why you need to go home early, and then breaking into a full-fledged sprint when your apartment building is in sight so that he can't walk you to the door and try to lick your face)

is this my lot in life - consolation dating? spending the rest of my years giving out my number to guys i'm not interested in, hoping they won't call? doesn't that negate the entire purpose of the dating game? if i'm never going to win the grand prize, i think i'll just quit. i don't need a consolation prize, thank you very much.

Dec 5, 2006

i blog therefore i am....

lately i've had some serious blogger block and haven't come up with the best ideas about which to write. (see past posts about spoiled yogurt and stomach flu) so today, i racked my brain trying to come up with something funny/witty/relatable/endearing/touching/that doesn't completely suck ass to write about. here were my options:

- procrastination

self: too late. adam beat us to it and wrote about his own procrastination habits.

- drinking/hangovers

self: can we write about something new, please god?

- disappointing men and totally misreading situations where a guy seems interested but clearly isn't after you tell him you'd like to meet him for a drink and he doesn't respond

self: again, can we please write about something new?!

- the holidays

self: everyone is sick of the holidays already

- avoiding the gym

self: um, you and everyone else. be original. jeez.

- the book i just finished that had me sobbing like a baby

self: wow. cheerful. no.

- how annoyed i'll be if my back-to-back episodes of felicity aren't on AGAIN this saturday morning. ugh.

self: you have a very unhealthy obsession with this felicity person who, by the way, doesn't actually exist.

- perusing the strange oddities that certain online stores have in their sex toy department, causing me to giggle like a 12-year-old while secretly wondering if i can justify spending $80 for a device that could quite possibly make me happier than any man has so far.

self: waaaaaay too much information. no one needs to know about that.

- my stupid mail carrier who likes to just throw the mail for all 7 units in my building on top of the mailbox rather than sorting and putting the mail in the correct boxes.

self: god. are you that bitter about having nothing in your box? hee hee.

so, as you can see, i've got nothin. nothing exciting, no weird happenings, absolutely no good insight on men, no earthshattering news to report.

maybe i'll get accosted by a homeless person, splashed with muddy water by a passing bus, hit on a gorgeous guy only to be introduced to his equally gorgeous boyfriend, go to work and realize there are panties static-clinged to the back of my sweater, or give myself food poisoning with my own cooking. until then, i guess i'll just have to be normal and uneventful. how boring.

self: sounds like peace on earth to me.