Sep 29, 2006

the yay list

ok, so i realize that i've blogged ad nauseum about the things that piss me off and annoy me. examples include, but certainly are not limited to: men, grocery carts, men, bird shit, men, parking tickets, men, pigeons and the people who feed them, men, bad drivers, men, bratty children, and of course, men.

so, i thought it might be nice to make a list of things/people, etc. that actually make me happy. (i'm not letting self help with this post, as she really has no input on the subject of happiness.)

here we go....

- my niece. anything and everything related to this gorgeous child.
- the fact that trader joe's has mistakenly mispriced the family size bottle of my favorite affordable wine for months now, thus costing me only $6.99 per huge bottle
- my first sip of coffee in the morning
- the crisp breeze that comes with summer changing to fall
- ryan adams "gold"
- a perfectly mixed cosmopolitan
- the way andy roddick's shirt flies up constantly when he hits his forehand
- my fantastic friends and family. i would die without them.
- decorating for christmas
- falling asleep to the sound of rain
- first kisses
- finding the perfect pair of shoes on sale
- tennis, tennis, tennis
- driving into chicago on lake shore drive on a sunny day with the windows down
- wentworth miller. no explanation needed. mmmmm.
- getting to work in 45 minutes
- sitting at starbucks, reading the papers and drinking coffee for hours
- really good sushi
- finding money in the pocket of a jacket i haven't worn in months
- felicity re-runs every saturday morning
- knowing what i do for a living makes a difference
- french manicures
- friday nights in - bubble baths, candles and wine
- fitting into my skinny jeans
- playing hooky
- my neighbors taking my trash out for me
- long weekends
- a parking spot right in front of my apartment
- my mom's cinnamon toast
- going to movies by myself
- finding something mundane so amusing i laugh til i cry
- the smell of fresh laundry
- singing at the top of my lungs in my car
- hooded sweatshirts
- working from home in my pjs
- walking through my neighborhood and loving where i live

i could probably go on, but i won't. i think everyone needs a reason to stop and think about the things that make us happy, so please feel free to comment with something of your own. for anyone who may be concerned about the state of my mental health right now - no this is not a new, zen-like me, it just happens to be 10 am and nothing has actually pissed me off yet today.

(self is thrashing like a wild beast right now, wanting to go on a rant about why each and every one of the things listed above has the potential to disappoint, but i put the muzzle on her)

Sep 26, 2006

hooking up with the ex...

is it a win-win situation or a colossal mistake? let us weigh some pros and cons...

pro: you know how it will be. it will be good. been there, done that, really liked it.

con: it may stir up annoying fond memories.

pro: you will take out on each other any remaining frustration, resentment, and sexual tension that is left over from the relationship and the break-up. this always makes the hook up so much hotter.

con: "awkward" is a vast understatement to describe the situation once the deed is done.

pro: you can leave right after and not feel a bit guilty going home to your own comfy bed.

con: he may get re-attached. (yeah, right, but i had to list it as a real possibility)

pro: won't add to your numbers.

con: you may get re-attached.

pro: at least you can get some action while you're looking for someone who is actually datable.

con: if he finds a datable person first and is the one to end the hook-up, you might feel rejected all over again.

pro: it's just sex - you can take control and make the rules. guys are much more apt to cooperate when it's just a booty call, not a relationship where you have emotional expectations, right?

con: your friends will yell at you for it and worry that you're going to get hurt again.

pro: it's convenient and fun. and, for the love of god, will end that miserable dry spell.

so, the question is - if you know this ex is not someone you would ever, ever date again, but the chemistry is definitely still there, is it acceptable to use him for a hook-up? is it that easy? or is it better to leave well enough alone?

Sep 24, 2006

the keeping kind

i'm not the keeping kind. all of my past relationships point to this theory. guys start talking to me, seem to like me, then decide i'm not good enough to spend the time and energy on to date seriously. they may want to be my "friend" after getting to know me or think that maybe we should still just hook up, but dating me is no longer a feasible option.

why am i revisiting this self-degrading realization? let me enlighten you. as i was perusing the newest pictures of my adorable niece on my sister & brother-in-law's website, i ran across it. the first picture i have seen of brother bob's grecian delight. you all probably remember my tortured description of the night i sat with brother-in-law's parents and discussed his brother's upcoming wedding. awkward is a vast understatement to describe how i felt that night, talking about wedding plans of a man i had "dated." ugh. so, knowing full well that he's been engaged for a while now, i simply hoped to never have to see a picture of his future wife. (impossible, i know, but i was hoping) that hope was shattered when i innocently ran across this image on the website tonight - brother bob & grecian delight, sitting together happily, her holding my niece on her lap, with a glimmer of the rock that now adorns her left ring finger showing just enough to make me want to spray bleach in my eyes and render myself blind.

i sat, mouth gaping, studying her and wishing to any and every god known to man that i could find something even remotely trollish about her. no. of course not. she's a little, tan, dark haired beauty. again, please hand me the bleach. i think i actually started to talk to self and couldn't find words to express my self loathing at that very moment. instead i poured a gargantuan glass of wine and stared out the window for a while, thinking the whole time that this shouldn't bother me so much. but it does. i know they're getting married. i know they'll probably have kids that will play with my sister's kids. i realize that he never even thinks about me anymore. and that's fine. but it makes me feel like shit because it just reminds me that i wasn't good enough to be where she is right now and i'm all alone.

please allow me to make an important clarification - this is not about HIM. it's not about HER. this is about ME and how i'm never the one that guys want to stick with. i'm the fun in-between girl - a springboard, if you will. i help pass the time while they heal from their most recent break-up and decide they are ready to move on...without me. i like to drink and watch sports, so i end up being more of a "friend" than a girlfriend. i don't make guys think about settling down, i uncover their commitment phobia. i don't inspire a guy to take me home to meet his parents, i inspire him to take me to a bar. they want me for a night, but not for the future. they like me, but they don't fall for me. i'm not even in the top 5 in their list of priorities. they're focusing on their careers, they're not ready for a relationship because of their past, they don't think they can give me what i deserve in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. i've heard it all and it's all bullshit. i'm just not the keeping kind. i'm not who they see when they think of their lives 2, 6, 12 months down the road. i'm expendable. disposable. forgettable.

please pardon the pathetic wallowing in self-pity that is going on in this post. i hope to be back to my usual bitter and witty self soon. thanks for wallowing with me.

Sep 19, 2006

you snooze, you lose

let me just preface this by saying i am not a morning person. i like to stay up late and sleep in. the sound of my alarm clock sparks a feeling of hatred i can only compare in intensity to the fires of the 7th level of hell. i am not perky, nice or energetic before 11 am. that said, i seem to have a lot of crappy, weird things (granted, many of these are self-induced) happen to me in the morning.

spilling coffee on myself - at least weekly. oversleeping - constantly, thus causing me to jump out of bed cursing like a sailor and run around like a chicken with its head cut off getting ready. gas light in my car - always on when i'm in a hurry. traffic - no matter what time, where i'm going, or how the weather is, it will always be horrible. forgetting cell phone and having to go back to get it - yes. forgetting computer and having to go back to get it - of course. stepping in gum - you know it. having a bird shit on me - um, yeah. not kidding - walking out to my car on friday morning, i had a bird drop a load on my crisp, white dress shirt. auuuggghhh.

but this morning, i had a brand new encounter. walking out of my apartment, i had a sinking feeling as i headed to my car. i realized i had parked on a side street where street cleaning was to begin at 9 am. naturally, as it was well past 9 am, i muttered a string of every curse word known to man, and resigned myself to the inevitable fact that i would have a ticket glaring from its evil orange envelope on the windshield of my car. as i approached the side street, i observed a strange thing happening. people were darting out of their houses like little mice, with keys in hand, to move their cars. and that's when i saw it. the parking police. one single woman in a plastic flourescent vest now had the power to either save or completely ruin my day. and she was heading straight for my car. i broke into a flat-out run, shreiking at the top of my lungs, "wait!! wait please!!! that's my car!! don't give me a ticket!! waaaaiiiittttt!!!!"

lucky for me, she turned around to see where the racket was coming from. what a horrifying, yet amusing thing she observed - a woman in dress clothes & 3-inch heels, with bag, purse and computer flapping violently, coffee spewing from a travel mug, hair flying, hands waving wildly, running directly at her screaming like a banshee. this poor woman couldn't have looked more disturbed and confused if a flock of seagulls had swooped down upon her and tried to nest in her hair. once i was closer, she gave me the girl-you-should-know-better-than-to-park-your-damn-car-here-during-street-cleaning-like-those-other-fools-i-just-ticketed look and said, with no amusement what so ever, "well, looks like it's your lucky day." i was still thanking her profusely, between panting and gasping for air after my marathon half-block sprint, when she just shook her head and moved along to the next car.

i got in my car, said a quick prayer of thanks to the parking gods, realized i was sweating (of course) in the 55 degree weather and wondered.....does this count for my cardio today? hmmm....

Sep 12, 2006

the new object of my obsession

i haven't had a crush this serious since 6th grade when i pledged my undying and eternal love for little joe mcintyre, the falsetto pre-teen and youngest member of that hit band new kids on the block. dear god, it's humiliating to blog about this even though it is years later. it took me a long time to get over the devastation of that crush and realize that famous people don't date girls that live in small indiana towns. oh, the torture. i vowed never to love a star the way i had loved joe and let the crush crumple and fade, along with the 300 posters of him that had temporarily replaced my wallpaper during that period of time.
still, knowing that star crushes are completely, utterly ridiculous and pointless, i'm behaving lately like a 12-year-old with the latest edition of teen beat. i salivate over the man pictured above. for those of you who are not familiar with this perfect specimen, let me introduce you. wentworth miller, aka my future soulmate. mmmmmmm. not kidding - there is a very unhealthy obsession brewing here... if anyone knows his manager, he or she may want to go ahead and get that restraining order....

Sep 11, 2006

september 11

i'm sitting here, looking out the window and thinking the gray skies and rain are appropriate for today. today is a day of mourning. today is a day of remembrance. today is a day to honor those we have lost. september 11 has been all of these things for many people for the past 5 years. for my family and me, september 11 has been all of these things for the past 18 years. on this day, 18 years ago, i lost my youngest sister to cancer at the age of only 7.

that day is ingrained in my memory and always will be. it was a sunday - grandparents' day, in fact. my grandparents came to get my sister and me and to take us to clifty falls park for the morning. i remember thinking that it was odd and spur of the moment and it wasn't a fun trip. i remember thinking we were trying to waste time somehow. and i knew that it was the last day i would see my little sister. i was right. my parents couldn't bear for us to be there during those final hours and looking back, i understand why.

these years that have followed seem to have flown by but that doesn't make it any easier when i think of that day. she should still be here. she had her whole life ahead of her. it makes me sad, angry, and frustrated almost to the point of screaming to think about how unfair it is. however, amber never would have wanted her memory to be the cause of these sorts of emotions. she would prefer i remember our trip to disney world, she and amity eating mashed potatoes with their faces like little piglets, her dressing up as a princess and standing out on the hill in front of our house, waving to the cars going by as though she was waving to members of her court. she would want me to remember how we used to make up skits and perform for her when she was confined to her hospital bed at home and how i used to be the one to hold her hand every time she had to have her bandage changed. she would want me to laugh thinking back to all of the christmas mornings, the halloweens, the family get-togethers and how much fun we had. she wanted to be an artist and a ballerina. i have no doubt she could have accomplished both. she would have grown up to be a lovely, friendly, talented person with a big heart and a great sense of humor. it never ceased to amaze me how she always had a joke or a funny saying, no matter how sick she was or how crappy she was feeling.

so, i choose to think about her and focus on the good times. i will never understand why this happened to her, to our family, and i will never be able to fully believe in a god that could let this happen to a 7 year old girl. i do believe i have become the person i am because of her and what she went through. working for an organization that is trying to cure cancer reminds me every single day of her and why this fight is so important.

i'm sitting here, looking out the window and am glad the rain is still coming down. it matches the tears i have been fighting back and shedding with abandon all day long. this is a difficult day and i know i, along with my family, will alternate between crying and smiling as we keep her in our thoughts today. millions of others will be keeping the memory of their loved ones in their hearts and minds today, as well. may we all find peace and joy in those memories.

Sep 5, 2006

Sep 4, 2006


i'm not feeling witty or fun today at all. i'm having a hard time finding the humor in the stupid things that happen to me, which i usually do quite well, i think. i'm not having a day where i'm glad to be single. i don't feel attractive even in the least bit. why so blue, you ask? i don't know. part of it is probably the fact that i've had the last 5 days off and now having to go back to work tomorrow i feel like a kid on sunday night at the end of spring break week. drinking myself stupid throughout the weekend is probably taking its toll as well. i've been tired and lazy all day and, as a result, now feel equivalent to the size of jabba the hut. that said, i had a great time this weekend. but i'm doing what i always do - getting down because i'm not happy with myself, feeling sad because i don't have a guy around, wishing i had actually gotten off the couch today and done something productive. whatever. i have to make some changes. i guess that means i need a list. dear god. here we go...

1) stop drinking so much
2) go to the gym!!
3) buy groceries instead of eating out all the time
4) be more proactive & productive at work
5) go to bed earlier & get up earlier
6) make a budget & stick with it
7) look for a 2nd job
8) get new brakes on my car and get the door fixed
9) sign up for that art class i've been talking about
10) stop complaining about men and accept the fact that i will be single indefinitely

i think that's a pretty good start. if i can manage to accomplish these things i will be saving money because i'm not drinking that much, driving to work in my safe car, working tons of productive hours between 2 jobs, going to bed early after eating a healthy dinner, getting up early to go to the gym, and squeezing in an art class once a week. whew. looks like i won't even have time to worry about being single and lonely.