Oct 30, 2006

cess pool or dating pool?

overheard from the table of guys next to me in a bar on sunday while having drinks with the girls and watching some football:

"dude, my trick is to watch "the notebook" with a girl. if you watch that movie with her, you're definitely going to fuck her after."

(i bet he even throws in a few tears for good measure)

"oh my god - jason was so drunk he shit his pants and then wiped it on the carpet. that girl he brought home with him didn't know WHAT to do. i wasn't gonna try to help her out of that situation!"

(of course not, you jackass. you'd rather see her suffer through human feces than offer to let her sleep on the couch or tell your friend to clean his ass up.)

"i mean, that girl was alright. she had a normal body and stuff. but the size of her ass! did you SEE the size of her ass?! ugh - it was huge!"

(guess what fuckwad - normal girls tend to not be built like men - straight up and down. we have CURVES. go back to junior high if you want a twiglet girl)

"man, i don't take them home the day after. they should know that they're just there for the night. she can find her own way home."

(just. plain. rude.)

simply wanted to share a shining example of what's left out there in the dating world. coupled people, be glad you're not out here in the wild anymore. i give up.

Oct 16, 2006

white trash wedding (bless their hearts)

i attended a wedding last weekend in good ol' southern indiana. the place was nice, the bride & her attendants were gorgeous, the groom and his boys were all spiffed up, the music was elegant, the parents were proud, and the thing went off without a hitch.

in typical wedding fashion, the reception followed and the wine and beer flowed endlessly. not long after the reception had begun, the dj announced that it was time to introduce the parents, the wedding party and the newlyweds. as the bride and groom took their places to be introduced after everyone else, the opening to the song "welcome to the jungle" filled the room and everyone looked around in disbelief/surprise/amusement. how fitting that they walk in to their first official event as man and wife to a guns & roses song. i almost peed my pants laughing.

would the highlight of the evening be this - them walking in as axl rose screamed "you're in the jungle baby!!"? or would it be when they danced their first dance to the firehouse song "love of a lifetime"?(in typical indiana fashion, this couple has been together since 6th grade, so a firehouse song was actually appropriate) maybe it would be the moment the best man decided to forgo a traditional toast to tell a story about the groom getting so wasted the night before the wedding that he went to sleep with a pb & j sandwich under his pillow. or possibly, it was darting looks at the groom's mom to make sure she wasn't about to burst out in a pain-pill induced rage and make a huge scene. could it have been the moment when the perpetual townie that took 10 years to finish high school and still spends his free time cruising our tiny little town in his beat up ride showed up for the party? it certainly wasn't the conversations i had with 2 high school exes that still look great and are now married to tall, gorgeous twiglets, i know that much.

no, i think my favorite part of the night was visiting the bar and seeing the basket there that held the bride and groom's choice of wedding favors for their guests. most couples choose candy, picture frames, candles, mix cds, etc. not this time. i reached over and took one of the favors out of the basket. lo and behold, it was a camo beer coozie and printed on one side, in fine wedding-esque script, "to have and to hold and to keep your beer cold." on the back was the date along with the names of the bride and groom. what a redneck and yet perfect thing to give to the attendees. quite possibly the most useful wedding favor i have ever received. given the guestlist, the only gift that could remotely compare to the usefulness of the camo coozie would have been individual dip cups.

oh - apparently a fight broke out soon after my sis and i departed from the festivities. god bless the traditional southern indiana wedding. you're in the jungle, baby.