Jun 29, 2006


ok, yes, the beatles were right - my troubles did seem so far away. however, there were a few things that did irk and trouble me. lucky for me, the majority of the day was actually pretty good. i was up at 5, after a mere 3.5 hours of sleep, on my way to the airport shortly after 6, and on a plane to london by 9. here is what i learned/saw/encountered/did throughout the course of the day:

1) paid $3.00 for a tin of mints. are you fucking kidding me?! they're mints, not gold! ugh. airports are the biggest ripoff ever.

2) saw some unfortunate woman with both a camel toe AND muffin top. as if one of those isn't bad enough, old girl had no idea she was sporting both. if i ran a fashion mag, she would so be on the back page with the big black box across her eyes to protect her identity, right under the headline "what not to wear." ga-ross.

3) ate mcdonald's for breakfast. yech. i tend to think mcdonald's food smells a bit like catfood and am not one to eat it...ever. yesterday, however, at the airport, completely jaded by my $3 mints, i succumbed to the greasy affordability of an egg & cheese bagel at mcd's. again, ga-ross. i felt my cholesterol climb 20 points after the first bite. ick. did i eat the whole thing? der.

3) was dreading my 7 hour flight sitting right in the middle of a 5 person row. in a very random and, clearly, atypical twist of my fate, i had a cute guy sitting in the seat next to me and we chatted most of the flight to london. does this EVER happen to me? um, hell no. did i get his number? um, hell no. did he ask for mine? again, hell no. bollocks.

4) realized all too late that i had forgotten my tylenol pm. because i needed to go to bed around 12:30 am or so london time (approximately 6:30 pm chicago time), this could have been an issue. bless my sister for having a bottle of red wine on hand and allowing me to gulp down some of it when i got in. slept like a baby.

5) fell madly, head-over-heels, indescribably in love with my niece. oh. my. god. could a child be more perfect?! even after waking her up in the middle of the night, she was all smiles and cuddles. we bonded immediately. me and millie's like peas and carrots. hee hee. seriously, my sis would be v. smart to double check my bags when i leave. i'm not quite sure i can leave this kid when i come back to the states....

obviously, the highlight of my day was meeting my niece finally. she is, in all honesty, too precious for words. i can't even stand it. i so want to go wake her up right now! (it's midnight. so mum and dad may be a wee bit upset) it's been a good trip thus far, as i'm just finishing my first full day. i haven't felt this happy and content in a long time. $3.00 mints, camel toes & muffin tops, boys who don't ask for my number, jet lag.... all just unimportant details. being an aunt is the best feeling i've ever had.

Jun 23, 2006

single, shmingle

so, the enthusiasm and total acceptance i had for being single lasted approximately... let's see... roughly 72 hours. being caught up in the relief of finally ridding myself of the jackass that has annoyed, disappointed, and frustrated me for months obviously clouded my vision with rose-colored shades of delusion and gave me a falsely optimistic outlook on the dating world. what the hell was i thinking? everyone who knows me knows i am a glass-half-empty kind of girl, so i apologize if the post about being happy and excited about being single caused concern for the state of my mental health. no worries, i'm back. i think i lost sight of my own mantra, my philosophy on life overall, but most specifically, my philosophy on guys. "expect nothing and you will rarely be disappointed." i'm telling you, expect NOTHING. even then, ladies, you will still be disappointed at times. amazingly enough, the male species has the ability to disappoint even when we don't put any expectations upon them.

why the sudden bitterness and reversion to my normal self? a) clearly, my doctor needs to increase the dosage of my meds, b) i had a guy change/cancel plans with me this week, c) i broke my own rule and gave my number to a guy at a bar last weekend and, of course, he never called (see above philosophy), and d) i may have my positive moments, but when it comes down to it, i'm just plain bitter

i'm going out tonight with a group of gals and i'm not really feeling it. i know i'll have fun once i'm out, but i'm just blah about the bar scene. not that i go expecting to meet guys (again, see philosophy above as well as previous post about why bars are not a good place to meet men), but sometimes the whole scene is just a little tiring. i'm old. i'm a lush. i want to hang out with an interesting guy, talk about music, sports, art, books, whatever, sit outside, drinking wine and laughing. i want to make my life less complicated. i'm just tired of the game. i'm tired of the meat market, the fake conversation. i'm tired of the jungle.

happy being single? right.

Jun 21, 2006

can someone tell me.....

why, why, why would you feed a pigeon? i just don't get it. i'm downtown today, walking to the train, and here stands this guy with a huge wad of bread and he's tearing off pieces and throwing them into what is quickly becoming an unruly mass of dirty birdies. STOP FEEDING THE DAMN BIRDS. pigeons in chicago are fat, they shit absolutely everywhere, and are not at all scared to come right up to your table while you are having a nice dinner al fresco. how did they become so bold and intrusive? because they have been spoiled by people like dude who find it necessary to feed them. it's like seeing a mouse in your house and purposely setting out cheese for it. come one, come all! seriously. ick.

unless you're the old lady in mary poppins selling birdfood for tuppins a bag, don't feed the pigeons. at least she was making some kind of profit. do you stop and feed the homeless? probably not. the pigeons will be fine on their own. trust me. cockroaches, mice, rats, and various other disease-carrying creatures are very resourceful and manage to survive without our help. in fact, they survive even though we constantly try to eliminate them. the pigeons will be fine, people. save the bread for your kid's lunch.

Jun 20, 2006

me and my EAP - part 2

self: well, that was just fabulous today. i really, really learned so much from the webinar about how to be single in a couples world. thank you so much for registering us to participate in that life-changing, earthshattering experience.

me: shutup. it's not my fault we called in at 12:55, thinking we were 5 minutes early and ended up actually being 5 minutes from the end of the webinar.

self: right. so, those three little letters "EST" don't mean anything to you, huh? for future reference, we go by CENTRAL STANDARD TIME around here.

me: oh, be quiet. you didn't want to do it in the first place. so we missed it, big deal. i wonder what they talked about....

self: oh good god. you want to know what they talked about? i'll give it to you in a nutshell and you don't even have to pre-register or dial in for it. they tell you to put yourself out there, don't be afraid to do things on your own, go places by yourself. make eye contact with people and smile more. be open to meeting new people. join clubs and groups, especially those for singles. stop being afraid and embrace your singleness. blah, blah, blah. ugh.

me: whatever. looks like we'll just have to muddle through the single world with no instruction.

self: looks like it. no thanks to you. can we have a glass of wine now and stop pondering what ingenious suggestions were offered during the seminar - probably by someone who is actually married? (see "welcome to the jungle" post - we already know this stuff!!)

me: works for me. a little alcohol to curb the disappointment.

self: you'll use any excuse to drink.

me: and you help me rationalize everything. i think we're pretty ok on our own afterall.

self: i'll drink to that!

me: cheers!

Jun 19, 2006


it's an interesting thing, closure. people say they need it when ending something important in thier lives. maybe some need closure with a job, a death in the family, after a particularly nasty argument with a friend. i needed closure with the guy i've wasted the last 7 months on. lucky for me, i finally got that closure tonight. over the past 7 months he and i have dated off and on, with me never knowing for sure if he was going to stick around or if he was going to disappear. before you tell me i'm crazy for putting up with that, i have to explain that when he and i first went out, it was the best date i've ever been on - hands down. we talked until the restaurant closed, went for a nightcap after and could barely stand to part when he finally took me home at 2 am. it was so fun, such a mutual attraction and a really strong connection - a fairytale first date. it continued that way for a while in the beginning and i fell hook, line and sinker. over the course of the next several months we quit dating, started dating again, quit dating and started again. each time he had reasons for breaking it off the time before, and each time i gave him the benefit of the doubt. we had a fantastic time together and, regardless of the shit along the way and the final outcome, i would still say he is, overall, a good guy.

but this time, this round 3 of the dating game, i just got tired. i got sick of the excuses, the canceled plans, the apologies. i got tired of feeling like i was the only one fighting for this to work. i just couldn't do it anymore. i didn't have the energy. i finally just gave up. i knew after one particular conversation with him a couple of weeks ago that i was done. we've dragged it out a bit since then, but mostly just trying to figure out where this leaves us, if anywhere. we both know it's not working and we can't save it. he has his reasons and i have mine, both of which are different, but lead to the same conclusion, nonetheless. so, after months of worrying, hoping, clinging to this idea that we could make it, that there was a connection between us that made all the crap worthwhile, i threw in the towel. i realized that i didn't need to cling to the hope of this relationship or worry if it didn't work out. i finally understood that it's ok to just let things and people go sometimes. our conversation tonight was extremely civil (don't worry - we've had a few rows and i've laid into him about how he treats me) and really sad. i hung up feeling relieved, but in a hollow, disappointed way. it's always hard to let someone go, even when they haven't treated you the way you deserve to be treated.

so finally, finally, finally i've gotten my closure. i guess it's good. it's what i've been whining and complaining about for months. my friends would be very rich people if they had a dollar for every time i uttered a statement concerning him and closure. so here it is. i have it. and it's very strange. i'm not upset. i'm not crying. i'm not wishing anymore that we could work things out. i think, in a weird way, i'm "mourning" the loss of the good part of the relationship, but that doesn't mean i want it back. for the first time in a long time, i am very excited about being single. that's not to say that i wasn't still single throughout this crap with him - we never really got into a committed relationship or anything - but he was my only focus, my only interest. no, i'm not sad about my closure. i'm happy about what i can look forward to now. and in my book, that is what closure is all about.


self and i are completely dumbfounded this morning. while checking email and drinking coffee, our attention was caught by a segment on the today show featuring a new reality show. just what the world needs, right? oh, it gets better. this isn't your typical reality show with drunk college kids, idol wannabes, or a single guy choosing a wife from a group of catty golddiggers. brace yourself folks - this reality show is about cats. yes, you read that correctly. cats. 10 cats are living together in the meow mix house and are voted off based on how they perform in different contests such as climbing the carpeted scratching tower, dipping thier paws in paint and then prancing aross a canvas to create their own artwork, and so on. the donald tells his rejects "you're fired", animal planet tells theirs, "you're meowtta here." not kidding. http://www.meowmixhouse.com/index.asp

i think we have reached an all-time low in american television. who the fuck wants to tune in and watch what these kitties are doing in their feline mansion? oh, animal planet, what are you thinking?! people enjoy your coverage of mating rituals in the animal kingdom and who doesn't love that nutter steve, the crocodile hunter? i can even deal with the whole pet psychic series. but the meow mix house? too far. WAY too far.

the only saving grace of this ridiculous series is that AP is trying to raise awareness about animal adoption, specifically for cats. great. kudos. but using a kitty reality show to do that? sorry, but i think that's a bit much, even for a society that had more people vote in the finals of american idol than in the presidential elections. now if you'll excuse us, we have to go google the hoff's new talent show. thank god reality tv has resurrected that career.

Jun 17, 2006

somebody stole my sombrero!

what is it about a sombrero that just begs

to be worn when you're drunk?

Jun 16, 2006

welcome to the jungle

this is what i love/loathe about being single. the inevitable advice that comes from all friends and family who are in relationships and have forgotten just what the dating world consists of. recently, i have been participating in the age-old "where in the hell does a single girl meet a decent guy?!!" conversation. you would think that in a city the size of chicago, where single, young professional men are said to run rampant, i might, just might, be able to trap one and dazzle him with my sparkling personality.

self: sparkling personality? oh. my. god. stop now, or we may pee ourselves.

me: shhhhh. i'm trying to make a point here.

ok, so here are some of the suggestions on where to meet men and my/our reaction to those:

from grandparents: you could meet a really great guy at church. you know we're really praying for you to find the right spouse.

me/self: right. because i don't go to church now and it would be a-ok with god for me to start for the single purpose of meeting a guy. no can do. besides, i meet a guy at church, he'll expect me to actually continue going to church. do you have any idea how hard that is to do when i have a raging hangover every sunday? as for the praying thing - it's not working. pray harder.

from various coupled/single friends: what about that whole online thing? you know, susie from work met her man on ilovefreakyinternetguysidontknow.com and they are soooo happy! ok, so he has a weird obsession with feet and star wars, but....

me/self: right. let's all recall my venture into internet dating. yahoo personals, i'm sorry, but you just didn't do it for me. i met one guy who seemed great and months later he has managed to screw me over more times than i care to admit. no more online dating for me. period.

from other, various friends: just meet them at the bars. you can't judge a guy because he's at a bar - you're there too and you're normal!

me/self: normal...hmmm... not how i typically describe myself, but i'll take it as a compliment. i have no qualms about meeting a guy in a bar and i do buy into the whole "you're there and you're [fairly] normal" thing. the problem is, bars are crowded, loud, drunken, and not the best atmosphere to inspire witty exchanges or interesting conversation. typically, it's a lot of yelling into each other's ear, followed by a hopeless smile because you have no idea what the other person said, a shot, and then maybe an exchange of phone numbers, which neither of you will ever use. option b is to go home with him and have a one-nighter, thus pretty much ruining any chance of anything else developing. great for hooking up, not for finding someone to date.

from parents: what about normal places like the grocery store?

me/self: clearly, you have never visited my grocery store. i'm lucky if they have POTATOES, much less attractive, available, single men. maybe i'm just shopping at the wrong jewel, but if their produce section is any indicator, i'm thinking there are no men to add to my basket before approaching the checkout lane.

also from parents: well, what about at work?

me/self: well, considering i work for a non-profit and my entire office is full of women, i'm thinking no.

from other family/some coupled friends: what about friends of friends?

me/self: great idea! why didn't i think of that?! (dripping with sarcasm) here's the problem with this idea. in theory, it should be great - you have a good friend whose bf has a single buddy. you all go for drinks and really hit it off with single friend. by the end of the night, the 4 of you are planning a couples vacation and naming the kids. right. more like - your friend's bf has ONE remaining single friend and they (the couple) think it would be a great idea to hook you (her ONE remaining single friend) up with him. meet for drinks and sit across from a guy who is not interested in you, certainly not your type, and not all that attractive. you make boring small talk as your friends beam at you and exchange winks with each other. they should just pat themselves on the back and make a toast, they're so proud to have -whew! finally!- managed to corral the last of the singles into coupledom. no thank you.

that's not to say that the friend hook-up is a bad thing. just please, please, for the sake of all singles, male and female alike, make sure there's actually something about each of them that would be interesting to the other. don't couple for the sake of coupling.

from those in a relationship who have forgotten the wilderness of the dating world: stop worrying about it and analyzing it. the right one will come along when you're least expecting it. (usually followed by "that's what happened when i met [insert appropriate other half])

me/self: total, fucking bullshit. do you people remember when you used to get together with fellow singles, drink way too much, and commiserate about everyone's unfortunate dating experiences?! do you remember the last time you went to bed alone or woke up with a stranger from the bar the night before? do you even recall seeing those happy couples on the street and being torn about whether to throw up because they're so lovey-dovey or throw something at them because you kinda wish that was you? how about sitting at home alone when all of your coupled friends are out on dates? don't talk to me about finding someone unexpectedly. after 29 years, i don't expect much of anything.

self: let's also note that meeting men at starbucks, the bookstore, library, park, etc. fall under the grocery store category. none of those places ever has anyone but mommies & daddies, babies & children, or old people. oh, and we're allergic to animals, so anyone thinking that getting a pet and using this animal to win the affection of the opposite sex can just 86 that idea right now. also not a consideration is fawning over some cute guy's dog as he's walking it down the street. allergies, people, allergies! please for the love of god, do not suggest speed dating either. i would rather slit my wrists with a rusty butterknife.

me: woe is me.

self: ahem.

me: sorry. woe is us.

Jun 8, 2006

Y, oh Y?!!

this entry is dedicated to the sheer idiocy of the Y chromosome. male readers, i apologize in advance. (not really, but i felt as though i should at least say that) self and i are in agreement on this particular subject, so we will be speaking as one, whole, coherent person, rather than in sybil-esque dialogue.

self: i would like to preface this by saying we don't hate men, we hate the way they behave. ok, drag out the soapbox....

i find it interesting - in the way a child finds it interesting to flip a bug on it's back and watch it squirm and fight to right itself - to observe the communication and social interaction skills of the male species. when cornered into a real, adult conversation, you can literally see the squirming begin. squirming is often accompanied by sweating and/or nervous gestures. after the initial physical oddities begin (try not to stare or giggle at the discomfort factor unfolding in front of your very eyes), said male will likely lapse into one, or a combination of, the following:

a) profuse apologizing, with no real idea why they are doing so or for what issue/action/behavior they are apologizing
b) profuse excuse-making, thus countering every single thing we say with a reason, excuse, or some moronic commentary as to why they act like they have the brain cells of a cockroach
c) profuse lying (no explanation needed)
d) profuse stubbornness, showing absolutely no remorse for annoying/hurtful/unfair behavior, followed by refusal to compromise on any reasonable resolution
e) profuse self-deprecation, a particularly interesting approach to not only trying to excuse their idiotic behavior, but also make us feel sorry for them because apparently, they are beyond the realm of rational thought and simply cannot help but do the wrong thing in every given situation; may be accompanied by the phrase "you deserve so much better" or "i'm just not good enough for you" with head hung and pathetic self-loathing oozing out of every pore
f) profuse avoidance, a phenomenon that typically occurs before the male is trapped like a bug under a magnifying glass, but may also happen during conversation. this behavior is exhibited by change of subject, placing time restrictions on the talk, or by simply refusing to communicate (mental image of bratty child with crossed arms and pouty face, stomping foot and saying "NO!")
g) profuse affection, in hopes that hugging us, kissing us, telling us all the good things about us will work in one or more ways, i.e. we realize how sweet and lovable they are and decide to forgive and forget right there on the spot, they at least soften us up so that the discussion is tipped more in their favor, or the conversation is temporarily forgotten and they get laid. i'm guessing the ulterior motive is most often that of the third outcome

h) profuse table-turning, a low blow by all means, but also a frequently-utlized defense during which the male will turn his behavior around on the female, making all of the problems, issues, etc. appear to be her fault with his actions being the result of her own behavior. this approach is not without risk - performed unsuccessfully, the male may unknowingly incur a wrath he is fully unprepared for. not for the faint of heart, and probably occurs more in relationships in which the male has exhausted options a-g ad nauseum

i have no idea why the male species reacts to rational, adult conversation with the behaviors above. it is truly a mystery to me. while interesting to observe, it is an exhausting and frustrating thing to encounter time and time again. occasionally, self and i are fooled into thinking there may be a man that has come along who will not resort to such behavior. and we are always, without question, no matter who the male is or in what capacity he is involved in our lives, dead wrong.

Jun 6, 2006

hi ho, hi ho, across the pond i go!!!

yay! yay, yay, yay, woo paaa!!! self and i are happy as a pig in shit right now. have just successfully booked my flight to london to go see my sis and new niece!! must give a shout out to my parents who so selflessly (is that a word?) donated their american express points so that i could afford the flight.

jesus, mary and joseph, there are no words to express my excitement right now. of course, the bottle of syrah i am soon to finish is helping quite nicely (with the excitement, not my ability to coherently communicate said excitement as i feel i am conveying nothing in a particularly coherent manner right now).

in case anyone has any doubt or confusion as to why i am so freakishly excited, see above for a pic of my precious millie. would you not give an appendage to go see this child in person?!!

ok, i think i have one tiny glass of vino left and then i must go pass out. just wanted to share some good news with everyone! (yes that would be all 4 of you people who read my blog...)

Jun 3, 2006

me and my EAP

one of the benefits offered by my employer is our Employee Assistance Program. great resource for those who have used it, i'm sure. however, i have never been one of those people. not that there's anything wrong with utilizing the free counseling services, the adoption resources, or the other offerings from this program; i have just never found any of the programs highlighted in the monthly emails we get from HR to apply to my own situation.

that said, when i got this month's EAP update, i almost deleted it without reading the email. but, i happened to take a glance and this is what they're offering up for june:

Register for the June On-line Webinar on LifeCycle® Connect! This month’s webinar is Living Single in a Couples World. Whether you are single by choice or circumstance, there's a world of freedom and opportunities that is yours to embrace. This on-line seminar will give you a brief tour. The webinar takes place on June 20 from 1 pm to 2 pm EST.

me: um, maybe we should register for this....

self: maybe not.

me: it might give us some good insight or tips

self: what is wrong with you? being single for 29 years hasn't taught you enough? you need a "webinar" to help you navigate the single scene?!

me: shutup. i'm just saying it's during work hours and who knows - maybe there will be something good we can get out of it. at least it might have some entertainment value.

self: so, you're telling me that you're going to sign up for an hour long seminar on how to be single. again, because being single is soooooo new to you....

me: quiet self. i'm just saying....

self: here's the thing. this webinar is making singledom out to be an "issue." like the sessions they offer for people with marriage problems, or child behavior problems, or any other PROBLEM that people want to fix. i don't want to "fix" our singleness!! if i wanted to do that i'd just make us date the next loser we meet and pretend to be happy so at least we'd have someone to go to movies with and buy us dinner. i think this webinar is somewhat insulting.

me: well, i think i'm going to sign us up, just for kicks. it's an hour off work and at least maybe we'll get another blog post out of it.

self: have you been drinking again?

me: it's 9:30 in the morning!

self: obviously you didn't understand the question. have you been drinking?

me: shhhh!!! we are going to sign up for this webinar and we are going to learn how to navigate through this coupled world!! end of discussion.

self: well, that's just peachy. don't mind my strangled cries of misery while this hour of enlightenment is happening. oh, the despair....

Jun 2, 2006

foray into blogdom

me(after half a bottle of wine): maybe i should have a blog

self: um, maybe not

me: yeah, it'll be fun. i can rant about my neverending miserable experiences at the grocery store, why falling in vomit is a completely unsurprising thing to happen to me, how being single and attempting to date is kind of like living in the twilight zone with no foreseeable way out.... you get my drift. oh, and i'll throw in some happy stuff sometimes, too.

self: whatever.

me: shutup.

self: ok, do it. but you know this will be just like everything else. you want to take an art class? great! you never signed up. you took horseback riding lessons for how long? right, like 2 weeks. that whole get healthy kick you went on in 1998? how's that working out for ya? have you even finished reading "the corrections" yet? i think not....

me: quiet self. i will persevere. i will create a blog and enter the world of online social commentary and witty observation. i will keep it updated and will not abandon it as i have so many online forums in the past (r.i.p. friendster, myspace, livejournal....).

self: fine. don't come crying to me when you don't understand why no one has commented on your 157th post about how much you hate those stupid shopping carts at jewel with the plastic cars attached to the front.

me: but, those are really annoying! they're so huge they don't fit through the checkout lanes, nevermind trying to turn one of those bad boys around in the ice cream isle with a screaming child belted into the front behind the little plastic steering wheel-

self: don't start.

me: fine. i digress. but, you'll see. this blogging thing will be fun with a capital F!

self: exactly how much wine have you had tonight?

me (bottle near empty): shhhhhh. don't you judge me!

self: never. there's absolutely nothing wrong with sitting at home alone, consuming an entire bottle of wine while debating with yourself about the pros and cons of starting a blog....

me: do i detect sarcasm?

self: god, i hope so. you and i would die without it. ok, i give in. let's blog.

me: yipee! (hiccup)