Dec 22, 2007
Dec 9, 2007
go ahead.... what do you think that resembles? come on, just say it. you know you want to....
you're right! it looks like a vagina! why, you ask, do i have a picture of a frilly vagina on my blog? because this is apparently the newest option in purses. that's right - this thing is a bag in which you can store your keys, phone, wallet, tampons (appropriate, eh?) and other items. what i would like to know is, who the hell would purchase this thing - at a price of $195, no less! - and actually carry it around?
i can just picture it now.....
girl walks into a bar. boy sees girl and comes over to chat. "my, what a nice vagina you have handing on your arm!" girl smiles. "why, thank you! and it's really roomy in there! much bigger than it looks from the outside!" boy and girl chat and drink, boy hopes he gets to go home with girl and see her real vagina.
seriously, who wants to carry a vagina purse?!! if they weren't so ridiculously expensive, i might actually be tempted to get one and carry it around with me just to see the reactions i would get from people.
the velvet vulva offers a variety of vagina-esque purses and bags that represent "the sacred portal to the feminine temple." don't want a shoulder bag? the velvet vulva offers the pocket vulva, a smaller version which folds into a "modest" state and is small enough to carry as a clutch. want something special for your wedding day? don't worry - there is also a line of nuptual vulvas designed for your big day. and if purses and clutches aren't your thing, you can still own your own velvet vulva miniature - a framed fabric vagina that hangs on your wall.
vulvas range from approximately $100 - $350. for that amount of money i'll go buy myself a kate spade and leave my vagina where it belongs - fully covered without a wallet or keychain tucked away inside.
Nov 12, 2007
well ladies, here it is. the ultimate proof (as if we needed it!) that we no longer need to pine away for that elusive husband. i mean, really, what do we need husbands for anyway? to fix things? to kill bugs? to do the plumbing and handywork? rest assured. if you are single, female and not DIY inclined, there is a solution without visiting the altar. this flyer was actually found outside my building and is, apparently, a legitimate business. that's right - we can now pay for the services of a husband without having to actually marry one. so go ahead - pick up hotties to service your, ahem, needs, and pay for this guy to service your home. you get what you need in both departments. of course, i wouldn't stoop to paying a man for these services - that's why i rent for god's sake, so i don't have to do any fixing or home improving on my own - but if you find yourself in a pinch and need your windows sealed, basement leak-proofed or your drywall patched, you can call this guy and he'll rush right over and perform such husbandly duties as these and a whole lot more. (no, dirties, not that!)
so here we are, single and fabulous and with the option to pay up for - let's face it - the duties we'd typically have to scream and nag and yell to have done by our signif other. is this a step ahead for single womankind or an insult to our abilities to do such tasks on our own? you tell me....
Nov 5, 2007
List one fact, word or tidbit that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your first or middle name. You can theme it to your blog or make it general. Then tag one person for each letter of your name.
A - auntie of one
N - nocturnally inclined
D - direction impaired
R - relationship challenged
E - euchre enthusiast
A - alcohol aficionada
because the noble savage tagged 3 of the few people i know who have blogs, i can only tag a couple instead of the 6 i should be tagging for the number of letters in my name. so, here ya go rachel, gretchen and casi. tag, you're it!
Nov 1, 2007
having just watched it in non-weenie fashion - home alone with all but one dim, little light off and phone put away on silent - i'm quite glad i watched it by myself. i mean, after watching this movie, who the fuck would want to go to bed with their signif other, for fear that you awake in the middle of the night to an impersonation of jack's "heeeeeere's johnny!" or the fear that your honey has gone crazy and now wants to kill you? no thank you. i'm quite happy going to bed on my own, in my locked apartment, feeling warm and fuzzy from my bottle of red and looking forward to passing out cold, void of all nightmares involving my boyfriend slaying me with an axe in the middle of the night.
happy halloween kids. i guess this is the time of year for facing all of those demons, even the ones that make you realize you can do lots of things on your own - even if it's as trivial as having scary movie night with self.
Oct 29, 2007
so maybe the art of negotiation should be applied to dating. maybe from the intial meeting, we can start to negotiate the terms and extent of the relationship. for example, i could go into the first date asking for a specific rate of return, i.e. every phone call i make to him should yield a return call. i should also ask for an extended warranty to ensure that the relationship is fixable in the event of a malfunction. i shouldn't have to pay anything for the first 6 months and would insist on taking him for a test drive before committing to anything long term. i should ask that if the relationship lasts and we sit down for our annual evaluation, that i receive the appropriate praise and be compensated accordingly. maybe if we go in negotiating certain things - he plays poker every friday night and i reserve 1/2 price wine nights for my girlfriends (of course this includes my gays), he sets the alarm to go off(and wake me) at 5 am so he can go to the gym and i stay up late reading in bed with the lamp on, i ignore his love handles and he ignores my cellulite - we would have a common understanding and wouldn't need to argue. maybe if we approached relationships like we do purchasing a car or asking for a raise we would be less likely to settle for a product that doesn't truly fit our needs.
ta da! glad i got that all figured out. i'll let you all know how the negotiation goes next time i have a date. i should start drawing up the contract now....
Oct 23, 2007
roommie: (smiling and inhaling deeply) "i know! i love the smell of bacon!"
me: (gagging) "gross."
roommie: (eyes lighting up) "i wish they had bacon-scented candles."
me: (more gagging) "that's disgusting! i don't know if i've ever heard of anything so disgusting!"
roommie: (smirking) "i'd burn the hell out of a bacon candle. our place would smell like bacon all the time!"
me: (now frightened that i may come home one day and find a wick stuck in a jar of bacon fat) "and i'd throw it out the window. you know how i feel about bacon."
roommie: "what about a turkey bacon candle?! you like turkey bacon!"
me: "still fucking gross. meat products should not be turned into air fresheners."
Oct 21, 2007
so, imagine my surprise when i visited my local grocery on saturday, october 20, a full 11 days before the end of the month and found that those wonderful cases of octoberfest beer had been replaced with winter and christmas ales. having planned to eat pizza, drink some octoberfest and watch college football that day, my trip to the grocery should have been quick and easy. when i realized, after stomping around the beer aisle, inspecting every shelf with indignation, that there was no more octoberfest on site, i had to default to a different beer. i left the store disappointed and annoyed.
i've always thought the retail industry was ridiculous in how early seasonal items start showing up on the shelves. there seems to be halloween candy out in august, followed closely by thanksgiving paraphernalia, and by october christmas is in full swing, according to the local cvs or wal mart. same thing with the fashion industry. when i was on the hunt for a swimsuit in late september, i was laughed at and practically escorted out of every department store i visited, as sales ladies looked over the displays of winter coats they were straightening, and shook their heads with pity when i asked about the chances of finding a swimsuit.
i get it - you have to put out the product early so the consumer has the maximum time to buy. fine. i know that if i want a swimsuit, i should buy it in february. i know that i can pick up halloween candy as soon as the back-to-school shelves are cleared and that i could have my place fully decorated for christmas the day after halloween and that wouldn't be considered abnormal. but i expect more from the beer industry. i really do. i expect that for the one glorious month that is october, as octoberfest celebrations are happening around the world throughout those 31 days, i can get my hands on some octoberfest beer. is that too much to ask? please, mr. beer man - bring your spaten, sam adams, haufbrau octoberfest to me. i'll give it a good home, even if everyone else is buying christmas ale to go with their halloween candy.
Oct 15, 2007
after the segment aired, the today show posted the synopsis of the story on its website and also opened a blog forum for comments on the issue. after reading through these comments, i was somewhat appalled and saddened, though not surprised, to find that people are judging mr. byrum as a selfish, irresponsible kid who has made a decision to piss off god and society as a whole (ok, maybe not quite that rash, but you get the idea) simply because he is choosing not to have children and has taken the next step to prevent that from happening. what is wrong with this decision?! apparently, a lot. here are some snippets of wisdom from those who disagree with mr. byrum's decision about his own life and future: (i've taken the liberty of highlighting those pieces i found most annoying, er, interesting)
Selfish generation - this is another indication of the complete lack of responsibility that this generation is chasing....what a lazy dope - when he can use a condom but is willing to cut off any loving women who want children! I want to ask him who will take care of him when he is old and in a nursing home and wishing he had a child who would be sure he could live out his life in comfort and safely and feel that someone truly cared for him - he will reflect back and realize what a foolish, selfish decision he made at such a young age...I feel sorry for him!
My husband didn't want children at the age of 27 when we got married but after having his first he was never the same. The magnitude of it all really hit him. Now, after FIVE children, his whole life revolves around his kids. We have so much fun doing things together. There has never been anything more selfless nor rewarding as having a family and the love I feel for my husband has grown with each child... Being a good parent really means more than anything else you will ever accomplish in this life.
I am a licensed psychotherapist in MA., and can't help but wonder how much a toxic dose of narcissism fuels Todd's choice. (Baggage from childhood too much or not enough mirroring by his parents??)His choice has set the groundwork for him to focus his energy on pursuits and achievements at the expense of meaningful (and sometimes messy)relationships, but what about generativity (giving back to the world)? His choice and apparent lack of ultruism can result in a lonely old man, with nothing meaningful to review when it comes time to do his end of life stage of life emotional reflection. I do not see his sense of spirituality...is he spiritually bankrupt? I feel saddened for not just his choice about vasectomy, but his focus on self! Leaving a legacy does not only mean having children, but giving back to the world for the next generation. I didn't hear him discuss his ultruistic pursuits, only his "lifestyle"... Being blessed with a spouse and family does not happen to all who hope for it, but he may want to consider his human need for generativity, and spirituality. Todd needs to grasp the mind, body, and spirit that makes up each person and develop each of these parts of himself. It's not all about him, I guess. I hope he doesn't wait to long to discover this
I think Mr. Byrum's decision is a testament to the selfishness of many people in today's society
clearly, there are many recurrent themes at work here.
1) if you choose not to have a child, you are a selfish human being, even though it is extremely selfish of others to expect you to have a child when you don't want one.
2) choosing to be childfree means you care nothing about contributing to future generations. forget the fact that you have nieces, nephews, children of friends, and other kids in your life to help mentor and take interest in
3) if you do not want children, you are spiritually bankrupt. i wasn't aware that children were a prerequisite to spirituality. i bet jesus feels like a failure.
4) nothing you accomplish in your career, social life, philanthropic efforts, faith, and family ties will ever equate to the ultimate success of being a parent, even if parenthood is not a factor in the goals you have for yourself. clearly, you need to add it to the list.
5) my personal favorite - you will die old and alone with your bedsores and dementia in a rotting shack because you chose not to propagate the species and bear spawn simply for the cause of having someone to take care of you on your deathbed. sorry, but by not having children i will save money on diapers, clothing, cars, tuition, books, medical bills, gifts, etc. and will take those funds, build myself a nice little nest egg and retire in style with a hot caretaker.
before i start getting comments about how anti-child i sound, let me just add a few more points. i have the utmost respect for those who have children. i doubt there can be a tougher job than being a round-the-clock parent. but, if i have respect for those who choose to have children, i expect that same respect in return. if i choose not to have children, that doesn't make me a cold, selfish bitch, incapable of all emotion and spirituality. it simply makes me a woman exercising my right to live my life without children of my own, as mr. byrum has. i find it refreshing and liberating to know that women and men alike have taken more responsibility in determining whether they want their lives with or without children. so many people assume, or expect actually, that children are the next step in life - after marriage of course - that they fail to try to understand why anyone would want to spend their life any other way. better to know you are making the conscious decision to bypass parenthood than have children out of - what are we calling it these days? - social responsibility? generativity? moral obligation?
i say, respect the decision, whatever that may be. it's a personal decision and no one else should be able to judge someone for that. if you want a litter of kids, that's fine with me. please just don't give me that pitying look and that smile that says "you'll change your mind one day. i know you will." when i tell you i have no desire to have children of my own. next thing i know, you'll be patting me on the head and giving me a cookie. childfree people are not children, we are adults. adults who are perfectly capable of deciding whether our reproductive organs will be put to use for procreation or just plain fun. either way, please respect my decision and i won't give you that pitying look and the smile that says "admit it. you're jealous that i have all the freedom in the world. you'd trade in your rugrats for a week of alone time in the tropics in a heartbeat." capiche?
Oct 14, 2007
sunset at key west
towel puppy - courtesy of bob
Sep 25, 2007
2) the roommate and i have hatched a plan to conduct an anthropology experiment of sorts. from now on when out at a bar, concert, etc. and talking to guys, we are going to speak with british accents and pretend we're from england. the ryan adams show on saturday should be a very interesting trial run...
Aug 16, 2007
girl: "look how skinny we look in these doors!"
boy: "yeah, we look weird"
girl: "i almost look anorexic!"
boy: "um, what's 'anorexic'?"
girl: "duh. it's when girls don't eat so they can be skinny and get people to like them."
boy: "that's stupid. i wouldn't ever do that."
girl: "well, boys aren't anorexic, stupid. i wish i could have a mirror like this in my house. i look so skinny!"
i didn't know whether to go over to that little girl and smack her, hug her, yell at her or all three. when did kids get so body conscious and buy into the idea that people don't like you unless you're thin? what happened to the days of just playing with your friends and not worrying about how much you weighed or how skinny you looked? it made me really sad....and annoyed...and pissed off. that girl is just an eating disorder waiting to happen. the boy, on the other hand, didn't even know what anorexia meant, much less think he needed to starve himself to be liked.
when is our society going to accept people for who they are and not what size clothing they wear? yes, there is a responsibility to maintain a healthy weight, exercise and eat a balanced diet, but why should women feel the pressure to be morbidly thin when only 2% of the population have bodies like kate moss or angelina jolie? (granted, these two aren't the best examples, with kate's little coke habit and angie's pledge to avoid food because kids in africa are starving, but you know where i'm going here. )
i walked out the door shaking my head in disappointment and frustration. i wonder when that little girl will understand that it really is who you are as a person that either attracts or repels others, not the fact that you can go days without food or go home and throw up everything in your stomach. i hope she finds friends who are comfortable in their own skin and help her be the same with herself. i wish our media would stop congratulating skinny starlets with coke problems and eating disorders for shrinking before our very eyes. i'll look forward to the day when 10-year-old kids can focus on playing with their friends and having fun instead of worrying about body image and losing weight. unfortunately, i think those days are far, far away...
Jul 25, 2007
Jul 17, 2007
but, really, when you're an adult and you are out on your own, working, looking for relationships, balancing friends and finances, and just trying in general to find things that make you happy or even content, what does it really take?
it seems to me that a lot of people i know right now are at some sort of crossroads. maybe they have the job, but don't like where they live. others have fantastic relationships but are miserable at work. some have the job, the mate and the house, but no close friends around to share in their happiness. as for myself, i love my job and am getting a promotion soon which will help me career-wise and financially, i have a great apartment and wonderful friends, my family is (pretty) sane and we get along great. so what's missing? the guy, of course. and why, oh why, does the lack of that special someone make such an impact on all of those other things that are necessary in the recipe for happiness? i know that i'm echoing a certain episode of "sex and the city" where carrie bradshaw ponders the same kinds of questions, but the questions have merit in the real world.
i guess i'm just musing aloud (or rather in type) about happiness and how it takes so many things to lead us there. why does it seem so unattainable or just beyond our reach? when will we be happy with just the job and the house or just the relationship or just having a family that isn't completely dysfunctional? can we ever come to a place in our lives where we put aside materialistic bullshit, ignore the norms of society and what seems to be expected in terms of financial, career, and relationship success and just be content with our lot in life? is it because we are all programmed to strive for more, to do more, be better in everything we take on? and when we do find ourselves in that perfect state of happiness, why does it always seem to be so fleeting? can we be happy in our own skin, in our current state without letting what's "missing" negate what we have?
5 million questions and no answers. i think i'd like to trade that wise old owl places. at least i could figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop and not how many licks it takes to make me give up on happiness.
Jul 13, 2007
i don't know what it was about the story that caused me such anguish. i think it was just the fact that it didn't grab my interest or intrigue me from the beginning. i remember not really wanting to read more about one of the characters because he was such a mess and it was like witnessing a trainwreck. and so at page 113, i called it quits, put it on the shelf for another day, another time.
that time has come. my dear friend gary and i have formed a support group of sorts because, you see, gary has had the same frustrating experience in trying to read this book as i have. so we have vowed to read it at the same time, discuss, yell, encourage and do whatever is necessary to finish this. it has become a personal goal for both of us. i even referred to finishing the corrections (rather self did that for me) in my very first blog post and so now i plan to mark it off the list of unfinished things in my life. it may seem minute, but those 557 pages will be conquered, once and for all.
Jul 11, 2007
to my surprise and delight, the show ended up being extremely entertaining and fun to watch. in fact, i'm pretty sure i'm already a singing bee addict. the roommate and i sat last night with the boys in 1R, drinking margaritas, watching the show, belting out the words to every single song that was played, yelling at the contestants who missed the easy ones and laughing our asses off.
the only bone i have to pick is the presence of scantily clad women in - not kidding - outfits designed to resemble the black and yellow markings of bees. yes, bees. and to make matters worse, they are referred to as "the honeybees." puke. they just kind of dance around and have no real purpose but to be eye candy for the male viewers around the country. they don't even have cases with money in them or showcases of prizes to display. but, i guess that's standard in the game show world. in truth, i blame bob barker.
that said, the singing bee is worth giving up half hour of your life every tuesday night. hell, i think i could rock as a contestant on that show. maybe i'll have to check into that...
Jul 5, 2007
webster's defines the word "settle" as the following....
1 : to place so as to stay
2 a : to establish in residence b : to furnish with inhabitants :colonize
3 a : to cause to pack down b : to clarify by causing dregs or impurities to sink
4 : to make quiet or orderly
5 a : to fix or resolve conclusively b : to establish or secure permanently c : to conclude
6 : to arrange in a desired position
7 : to make or arrange for final disposition of
not necessarily the most helpful, that mr.webster. from the above definitions, i would assume that settling means a life of stability, permanence, repression, calm/boredom, contrived contentment, and finally death. and while some of these things such as stability, permanence, and even calm are quite positive traits to have in a relationship, there are so many things missing. from the definition above you certainly don't get any fun, excitement, change, variety, or surprises - the stuff new relationships are made of.
so what do we do? is it settling to date someone even if there's no spark? is finding a good, decent guy so difficult that we're trying to decide if we even need the spark? admittedly, the spark dies down after a while, but do we want to surrender ourselves to a relationship that doesn't even simmer? how important is the spark and is it better to just find a good guy and hang onto him, even if that means sacrificing the stomach-flipping, exhilarating, heart-stomping, electrifying attraction that we so rarely find, typically with the wrong person?
dating (or lack there of) blows.
Jul 4, 2007
"One of my concerns is that the health care not be as good as it can possibly be." --George W. Bush, on military benefits, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it." --George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007
"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006 (Watch video clip)
"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006 (Watch video clip)
"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --George W. Bush, interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006
"Wow! Brazil is big." --George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005
"Because he's hiding." --George W. Bush, responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005
"Who could have possibly envisioned an erection -- an election in Iraq at this point in history?" --George W. Bush, at the white House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!! ENJOY THE HOLIDAY AND TRY NOT TO MAME YOURSELF ON ILLEGAL FIREWORKS. :)
Jul 2, 2007
so when the roommate initially proposed that we visit the taste of chicago for dinner on friday night, my first reaction was to wonder why in the hell 2 sane chicago residents would venture to the taste on opening night. however, the weather was gorgeous, i had no other plans and the list of participating restaurants and food vendors was too tempting, so hunger won out over common sense in the end. we headed to the taste and thoroughly enjoyed tapas portions of samosas, curry-spiced fries with chutney sauce, toasted ravioli, falafel, cheesy garlic bread, pound cake with fig vodka butter sauce drizzled with chocolate (i just drooled on my keyboard) and - just for you arrested development fans - frozen chocolate covered bananas. (10 cents, however, does NOT get you nuts) all in all the food was great. i won't even go into a description of our fellow taste attendees - that would have to be another post of its own. suffice it to say, i will never be returning to the taste of chicago again, but i am glad that i went once to sample lots of yummy goodness. the end of the night consisted of a movie and a bottle of wine, which was exactly what i needed after stuffing myself silly.
having no set plans on saturday, i slept very late, had lunch outside at one of my favorite neighborhood places, played tennis, went to the grocery and had a fabulous healthy dinner. later that night i went out with friends and we simply sat outside, had a few beers and just enjoyed good conversation and the nice weather. after the friends left, roommate and i headed across the street to the irish pub where we had a couple more beers, met a romanian guy who gave us a grueling geography lesson and bought us a round, and finally got kicked out by the bouncer when the bar was closing. we stumbled home and i don't even remember my head hitting the pillow.
sunday dawned sunny and warm and begged everyone in the city to come out and play. i obliged, going with the roommate to the beach and lying in the sand, soaking up some sun, and dozing to the new ryan adams cd on my ipod. it's been a long time since i felt sand between my toes and relaxed to the backdrop of vivid blue water. having worked up quite an appetite with all of our outdoor activity, we abandoned the beach in search of mexican food, outside seating and some margaritas. we found what we were looking for in logan square and a pitcher of margaritas later we were spontaneously on our way to the pontiac for honky tonk bingo. very few things compare to sitting outside, drinking beer, and listening to a vulgar man with a thick country accent call bingo numbers and give away shitastic prizes like rubber chickens, cardboard airplanes, hot wheels, and crayons. amanda was one of the lucky winners - she got a 1000 piece puzzle and you better believe we'll break that bad boy out one of these nights. honky tonk bingo night would not have been complete without some country music and fulton county line gave us our fill. after a couple beers and several rounds of bingo, we decided to be responsible and call it quits. driving back toward our apartment, we approached a certain bar which, for reasons that need not be discussed or rehashed, has been dubbed "the gates of hell." as luck would have it, there was a parking space right outside and it was as if amanda's car parked itself and chucked us out in the direction of the bar. once inside we chatted with the bartender and ended up having drinks and doing a couple of shots with him and his friend. finally after midnight we payed our tab and headed to the nastiest of nasty - the taco bell.
tucking in after 1 am with my belly full and my head fuzzy, i had to smile about the weekend. it was stress-free, fun, and everything just fell into place from the weather to the bars to the random people we encountered. it's the kind of weekend you just can't plan for and you don't want to end. muy bien!
Jun 28, 2007
Jun 6, 2007
your typical, run-of-the mill feminine maxi pad commercial rolled and for the next 30 seconds my poor, bored-to-the-state-of-mush brain began to wonder who designs maxi pads. and more importantly, what is their job title? some examples i thought were fitting.....
Jane Doe, Senior VP of Leakage Prevention
John Doe, (right - as if these things are designed by a man, but i'm an equal opportunity smart ass)
Lead Project Manager, Protection Division
J. Doe, Sanitary Needs Director
J. Doe, Head Engineer, Pad Design Team
J. Doe, Absorption Specialist
i know, i know. why would i spend any amount of time actually thinking of these things?? i'll tell you why - because that's how much waiting for jury duty sucks. still, i'd love to meet someone who works for tampax or kotex or one of the other feminine hygiene companies and take a gander at their business card. i guess it's better than other jobs, though. like being a spooge mopper at a strip club. ew.
May 10, 2007
this is more like it:
i cannot wait to have her here running around, bringing to my apartment the sweet chaos that only her adorable self could make me look forward to. it'll be fantastic to see my sis, too, of course and to take them out and let them really enjoy all that my fabulous city has to offer.
i wonder if i can hold them hostage and make them and my brother-in-law move back here for good....
Apr 25, 2007
- file my nails
- pay bills
- check email
- send text messages
- make grocery/target lists
- make to do lists
- work on other projects
- play snood
- stay silent when asked a question (they'll think they lost me somehow)
- instant message
- shop online
- draw on my notes
- organize my office
- spin in my chair
- pretend i have a bad connection and hang up early
- make faces at colleagues
hey, you gotta pass the time somehow. you can tell i'm on a call right now, can't you?
Apr 22, 2007
Apr 18, 2007
i wandered to the back of the store where an entire wall is devoted to jeans. low-rise, boot cut, boyfriend, curvy, short, extra long, dark, distressed, faded.... you name it, there was a shade and style of denim to fit it. unfortunately there wasn't a pair that would fit ME. i started sifting through the pristinely folded pants and immediately noticed a pattern. all of the jeans seemed to come only in sizes 0, 2, and 4, many of which were also long lengths. i started rummaging with a fury, convinced that the gap wouldn't betray me like this and only carry jeans that fit tall stick figures (think 6 foot praying mantis in gap denim). after unearthing one size 8 and one size 10 (both in horrific shades of stonewash that didn't even look like they belonged with all of those dark, tiny jeans) i gave in to the truth. there were only little people sizes at the gap. i stepped back from the shelves crammed with all of those jeans and sighed. i thought briefly that i had inadvertantly wandered into the children's section. nope. regular womens section it was. shaking my head in disappointment, i felt my excitement for shopping deflate like a balloon. turning my back on the traitorous denim wall, i hung my head and walked dejectedly out of the store, not even noticing or caring anymore about the massive sale going on or the cute ballet flats i was eyeing when i first arrived.
did i think about asking the sales people if they had normal girl sizes? yeah, for about 2 seconds and then that scene from pretty woman where the snotty sales women won't help julia roberts flashed through my mind. it could have gone something like this....
me: um, excuse me. do you have any of these jeans in bigger sizes?
gap twiglet: (blank stare) um, why?
me: because right now in order to wear any of those jeans, i would have to buy two pairs and sew them together.
gap twiglet: (with look of disdain) i don't think we have anything in your size. marcus! do you think we have anything in her size?
gap mo: (sashaying over from where he was folding tank tops, gives a once over, frowns, folds arms) oh honey, no. we only like our clothes to be seen on tiny people. lane bryant is right across the hall.
me: fuck you.
it just wouldn't have been pretty. maybe i'll give a different location a chance, but i'm pretty sure i'll never venture into that particular store again. the last thing a girl needs when she's trying to find a pair of jeans that fits well and makes her ass look great is to be mocked by 100 pairs of jeans that can be worn only by roughly 5% of the female population. come on gap. i'd love to fall into your jeans, i just don't want to have to give myself an eating disorder to do so.
Apr 16, 2007
Apr 6, 2007
i know you will find this letter to be a surprise given the fact that we have not been in contact at all for a couple of years and broke off our relationship over 6 years ago. time is a funny thing - it makes you forget certain things and people and softens your views on bad experiences from the past. it often makes you nostalgic for people and events and helps you look back on situations and relationships as learning experiences from which you gleen wisdom and appreciation. i would like to say that when i look back at the nearly 5 years we dated, i remember that time fondly and focus only on the good times; that when i look back i remember us as silly college kids having fun and falling in love. but i can't. maybe i did for a while, when time had dulled the memories of our arguing, the break-ups, the disrespect you showed me. but something new has come to light, something that just made the real memory of our relationship rear its ugly head.
i now know with 100% certainty that you did, indeed, cheat on me while we were dating. all of those times i suspected it and heard vague rumors that couldn't really be substantiated, you made me feel like i was crazy and jealous and overdramatic. you mindfucked me into believing you and i bought right into it. stupid, on my part, i know but i loved you and wanted to believe that you wouldn't intentionally hurt me. and here it is over 6 years after our breakup and you're still hurting me, still making me feel stupid. when i heard that you got a blowjob from a certain nasty skank on your trip to new orleans - the trip you took when we were dating seriously, the trip you lied to me about when i asked if any girls went, the trip where you did god only knows what else besides let that whore go down on you - i felt like i had been kicked in the stomach. all of the hurt, frustration, anger, and disrespect i felt when we were dating came rushing back to me in full force. i didn't show it, of course. you are certainly not worth the energy it would have taken for me to express any or all of those emotions. i gave up wasting my energy on you years ago. so i sat there, shaking my head and rolling my eyes, calling you many names of the fuckwad, dickhead, idiot-moron-with-no-soul variety and pretended it didn't bother me in the least because, after all, what's done is done. but now i know for sure that you lied to me and i wasn't crazy for worrying about you cheating on me and that all of those times you tore me down, you should have been apologizing for being a bastard.
i hate that i even let it get to me. i hate that you still can hurt me after all these years. and i hate that i let you do that to me - then and now.
i know you've changed, grown up and apologized many times for the way you treated me back then. and i appreciate that about you. but those apologies can never change how badly you treated me, no matter how much time tries to dull the edges of those sharp, bitter memories that have carved a permanent hollow in me.
i don't wish you unhappiness. i just wish you hadn't caused me so much.
Mar 27, 2007
but, i digress. saturday morning i woke up early and saw that it was going to be a beautiful day. bright, sunny and warm - just what i was craving coming to the end of my long chicago winter. i sat outside on the porch, drinking coffee and reading. mid morning i decided to get off my ass and go for a little walk/jog. now, i have to preface this by saying two things: a) my jogging is the furthest thing from fast motion you will ever see and 2) there are hardly any sidewalks in my tiny little hometown, so i had to go out to the middle school and use the track to do my thing.
as i turned up my ipod and started my 3 1/2 mile journey around the track, i started reminiscing about the days when i attended school in the building in front of me. once surrounded on 2 sides by corn fields, the school grounds now fade into housing developments and neighborhoods. it made me think of when we used to split into small reading groups in 8th grade english, sprawling on the floor, pushing desks together, or whatever we could do to establish different camps for each group. my group always sat at the back corner of the room right next to a tiny vestibule that housed a door to the outside, aka freedom. we would dare each other to run out the door, touch a stalk in the cornfield, run back and collapse with our book before our teacher could catch us. ah, the good old days. no way any kids in that classroom are doing that now. they'd run right into a construction zone and be caught for sure.
i laughed to myself at that memory and started thinking back on other times and events that had taken place when i was in middle school. middle school was the time when we were all realizing we wanted independence, realizing that we wanted to be grown up. unfortunately for us, we were far from adulthood, though we felt fully justified in pretending we could make the best decisions for ourselves and viewed our parents as annoying nags that existed only to remind us of rules and consequences. we wanted to go places with our friends, stay out late, go to concerts, and dress and behave however we wanted. (looking back, i really should have listened to my mother when she told me how ridiculous tight-rolled jeans looked. gag.)
feeling trapped between childhood and adulthood, we did what we could to assert ourselves and act on our own ideas and opinions. that time was also a time of many firsts. i remember with vivid detail my first kiss in the locker bay - he was tall and tasted like strawberry candy and even though the kiss was sloppy and strange, the new sensation left me feeling dizzy and my stomach doing somersaults. it was also a time for my first perm - dear god, that's a first that never should have occurred, but in the spirit of the early 90's there i was - 13 and permed like a poodle. my middle school years also brought my first school dance. getting ready with my friend and being dropped off at the dance was so exciting. we giggled and talked about who we wanted to dance with and what we thought everyone else would be wearing. once there, we looked around with great anticipation as though this dance might just be the singular most significant event to happen in our young lives. man, were we wrong. but, we had fun and we both got to dance, quite closely i might add, with the boys we liked. at the end of the night when her parents picked us up, we floated home, sure that we had just sealed our future happiness somehow.
there were spring break trips with friends and their families, parties (the infamous ones at a certain friend's house because her mom let the boys SPEND THE NIGHT - a fact my sister and i have only recently divulged to our own parents), group outings to the mall, high school football games on friday nights, and anything else we could do with a gaggle of friends and away from the parental units. middle school was the first time i took a foreign language class - si! -, the first time i had to pick up a needle and thread in home ec (my teacher told me i was the slowest one in the class), the first time i operated a bandsaw and jigsaw via industrial arts class (i rocked on the woodworking), and the first time i stepped into a darkroom to learn how to develop pictures. as much as i complain about the small town mentality of the school system there and the lack of creative and cultural courses, i felt that i was being exposed to a lot of new and different things from 6th to 8th grade.
i don't know why i felt compelled to write about my middle school days, other than the fact that my memory was jarred when i was walking there at the track on saturday. but looking back i remember those years pretty fondly. i doubt, however, that my parents would share the same sentiment. they call 7th grade the "year of hell" for both me and my sister. and here i thought i was trying to do them a favor by letting them know that i didn't need parental advice or assistance anymore and would be just fine doing things on my own! (except for making money, driving, buying clothes, cooking dinner, etc, of course) hmphh. ingrates.
aaaaaaand we've finally reached the interactive portion of today's blog. what are your best/worst/weirdest memories of middle school or junior high?
Mar 19, 2007
"you know, i think i can safely say that most people here look at the united states and see this highly industrialized country of 300 million people and we wonder how george bush was the best person you could come up with.... twice."
all i could do in response was laugh and assure him that there are many, many americans who feel the exact same way. and while i did find the comment to be humorous (as was intended), it also made me feel a tad embarrassed to be reminded that other countries look at our president and see a bumbling idiot - a fact the american people have resigned ourselves to with annoyance, frustration, and much shaking of our collective heads.
i'll look forward to talking politics again with bruce after the election of a new president. after all, we have nowhere to go but up, right?
Mar 13, 2007
Feb 27, 2007
moving along, i have to also mention something that has become a huge peeve of mine. why do people leave their cell phones on when they're at the office?!! i know, i know - sometimes you need to have it on because you're expecting a certain call or whatever and that's fine. i just get soooooo sick of hearing random phones going off all over my office all day long. and not just the normal rings, but ringtones ranging from country singers belting out their ballads to techno tones to short rendetions of broadway musicals. come on people - put them on vibrate. you won't die if you don't hear that ringtone for a full 8 hours. i promise.
last but not least, i saw a truck on my way to work this morning that was labeled "bureau of rodent control." ew. it had never crossed my mind - and really, why should it? - that there might be an entire bureau of city government committed to the control of rodents. i'm sure it makes sense, especially in a big city like chicago, but still - ew. i'd much rather work for the abandoned buildings division or the graffiti blasters department. the only one that may be worse than the bureau of rodent control is the toxic pollution control unit and that's still a bit of a toss up. if you factor in the dead animal recovery station that falls under the bureau of rodent control, i think i'd sign up for toxic pollution. (more information on the various city departments and bureaus here.)
that's all i've got today. i'll be running around like a chicken with its head cut off this evening trying to pack and get all ready for my trip to london tomorrow night!!!! yay!!! so, if my thought process in this post seems a bit scattered and random (and useless), please forgive me - my few living and functioning brain cells are already across the big pond!
Feb 21, 2007
some of the tracks include "look what you've done" - jet, "hallelujah" - rufus wainwright version, "cannonball" - damien rice, "the scientist" - coldplay, "eddie walker" - ben folds, "stay or leave" - dave matthews, "victim of a foolish heart" - joss stone, "la cienega just smiled" - ryan adams, and a guster/dave matthews song that i cannot remember the name of, but i love it.
there's just something about listening to songs that make you want to slit your wrists with a rusty butterknife that seems so right when you're feeling blue. excerpts from my top 3:
la cienega just smiled (ryan adams) :
Feb 19, 2007
that said, recently i've been hearing quite a few stories of infidelity and wondering if maybe my opinion is too antiquated, too harsh. these instances aren't just those of the stereotypical shithead guy who has no regard for his girlfriend and cheats without a second thought (though i know of a couple of these). these stories include girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives, single episodes and repeated hook-ups, done simply for fun, as a way to get attention, or to relieve the monotony of settling down.
so is it possible to cheat and really have no remorse or guilt? in the case of a man or woman who is dating someone seriously but isn't married, is it really that easy to have sex with other people on the side, the defense to that being that they see nothing wrong with it because they aren't married? and would he/she ever tell the significant other what's going on? of course not. so, doesn't that mean there is still some kind of guilt? or is it the thrill of getting away with it that drives this kind of cheating? do you really love someone if you're willing to cheat on them whenever the opportunity presents itself?
and for those who are in serious relationships or marriages, how much can one cheat and not feel compelled to come clean to their partner? are these the cases where the cheating signifies problems in the relationship rather than just a one-time mistake or someone single just trying to sow what's left of those wild oats? are there cases where cheating can actually revive the person who was feeling lost, bored, or unsatisfied and lead to improvements in the relationship? and what happens when and if the cheater confesses to their partner? how do you go about forgiving and repairing this kind of betrayal?
i'm only asking because it's been a very, very long time since i was in any sort of relationship and i'm wondering if, with adulthood and the responsibilities of relationships and marriage, the line between commitment and cheating becomes a little blurred. i still hold to the idea that i would not cheat and would expect not to be cheated on, but is it really so much easier said than done? i'd like to think that when/if i find the right guy, i won't have to worry about this, on his part or my own. but it makes me wonder....