thank you sir, may i have another?!

so there we were - self and i at a thank you reception for a charity giving campaign at a major hospital. execs and hospital administrators lined the back wall in rows of chairs set up for the event. the hospital CEO stood on the dais at the front of the room, thanking everyone for their generosity and then announced he would be presenting oversized, cardboard checks to each of the three charity partners. he called the name of the first charity and i rose from my seat to walk to the front of the room to accept the check on behalf of my organization. and this is what happened....

self: don't trip, for god's sake. seriously do NOT trip.

me: totally ignoring you right now.

self: ok, we're almost there. firm handshake, then smile pretty for the camera

me: (reaching out to shake CEO's hand) i've done this a million times. don't talk to me.

self: ok, fine. just get in the group pic with the CEO and the other 2 execs and smile.

me: stop annoying me. i know how to hold a huge cardboard check and smile.

self: ok, ok. oh wait, picture lady wants you to move forward a litte. better hold that check at the side and the bottom.

me: ok, ok. i'm not going to drop the f'ing check. i'll just step forward.....

self: oh my god. you did not just do that.

me: yeah, pretty sure i did.

self: you realize that when you stepped forward, the CEO did too, and you grazed his....

me: yes! i know. i may have accidentally brushed him with my hand in an inappropriate place.

self: ha ha!!! you touched his penis!! how embarrassing!!!

me: it was an accident!!

self: wow. you get an $11,000 check and you cop a feel. nice. classy.

me: please shut up.

self: i just hope that look on your face got caught on camera! see if we get invited back next time!

me: walking back to chair now and pretending that did NOT happen.

self: live in denial. fine with me.

me: you're enjoying this too much.

self: you should have just tripped. would have been less embarrassing.

me: i hate you.