hodge podge o' thoughts

i've become a tad obsessed with the nbc drama "heroes" this season. there's just something about people realizing they have the power to read others' thoughts, heal almost instantly from any injury, paint images from the future, fly like a bird, become invisible at will, erase people's minds, and travel through time that kind of makes me wish i myself had some sort of super power. naturally, my first inclination is to wish i could turn water into wine. that jesus must have saved himself a bundle by being able to do that. so, at the risk of sounding like an 8 year old boy who has read a few too many super hero comics, i wonder what i would want my super power to be. would i fly? no, probably not. i like the memory-erasing thing, but that doesn't seem like a whole lot of fun. i could definitely make good use of the time travel thing or the invisibility power. hmmm.... ok, no idea why i felt compelled to blog about that. you all now know that i have a nerdy fascination with super heroes. i don't even need to tell you that i just watched x-men 3 and had a very lengthy debate with my dad about it. (at least i know whose dna passed along this delightful interest of mine)

moving along, i have to also mention something that has become a huge peeve of mine. why do people leave their cell phones on when they're at the office?!! i know, i know - sometimes you need to have it on because you're expecting a certain call or whatever and that's fine. i just get soooooo sick of hearing random phones going off all over my office all day long. and not just the normal rings, but ringtones ranging from country singers belting out their ballads to techno tones to short rendetions of broadway musicals. come on people - put them on vibrate. you won't die if you don't hear that ringtone for a full 8 hours. i promise.

last but not least, i saw a truck on my way to work this morning that was labeled "bureau of rodent control." ew. it had never crossed my mind - and really, why should it? - that there might be an entire bureau of city government committed to the control of rodents. i'm sure it makes sense, especially in a big city like chicago, but still - ew. i'd much rather work for the abandoned buildings division or the graffiti blasters department. the only one that may be worse than the bureau of rodent control is the toxic pollution control unit and that's still a bit of a toss up. if you factor in the dead animal recovery station that falls under the bureau of rodent control, i think i'd sign up for toxic pollution. (more information on the various city departments and bureaus here.)

that's all i've got today. i'll be running around like a chicken with its head cut off this evening trying to pack and get all ready for my trip to london tomorrow night!!!! yay!!! so, if my thought process in this post seems a bit scattered and random (and useless), please forgive me - my few living and functioning brain cells are already across the big pond!

insert disc, rip out heart

i was driving along this morning, rifling through my cd collection in need of something i hadn't heard in a while. i ran across a blank cd with no label or writing on it. figuring it must be some sort of collection of songs i or one of my friends had put together, i popped it in, looking forward to a random mixture of fun tunes. what i got instead was a compilation of depressing songs chosen for their ability to water the eye and puncture the soul. clearly, this mix had been made when i was in the depths of despair, most likely post-breakup or following the death of a loved one. (because "never gonna fall in love again" by snow patrol and a particularly upbeat remix of "since you've been gone" by kelly clarkson made it on the disc of despair, i'm leaning toward man problems as the motivation for this mix)

some of the tracks include "look what you've done" - jet, "hallelujah" - rufus wainwright version, "cannonball" - damien rice, "the scientist" - coldplay, "eddie walker" - ben folds, "stay or leave" - dave matthews, "victim of a foolish heart" - joss stone, "la cienega just smiled" - ryan adams, and a guster/dave matthews song that i cannot remember the name of, but i love it.

there's just something about listening to songs that make you want to slit your wrists with a rusty butterknife that seems so right when you're feeling blue. excerpts from my top 3:

la cienega just smiled (ryan adams) :

"And I hold you close in the back of my mind

Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt

And I'm too scared to know to how I feel about you now

La Cienega just smiles..."see ya around"

And I hold you close in the back of my mind

And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead

Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore

One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul

La Cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye"

stay or leave (dave matthews):

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you should

It was good as good goes

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you did

So what to do

With the rest of the day's afternoon hey

Isn't it strange how we change

Everything we did

Did I do all that i should

That I coulda done

Remember we used to dance

And everyone wanted to be

You and me

I want to be too

What day is this

Besides the day you left me

What day is this

Besides the day you went"

cannonball (damien rice):

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

It's still a little harder to say what's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness

There's still a little bit of your face, I haven't kissed

You step a little closer each day

That I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly

Love, it taught me to lie

Life, it taught me to die

So it's not hard to fall

When you float like a cannonball"

so feel free to share - what are your top songs that rip out your heart and force you to relive some depressing, sad event in your life? what do you pop in the cd player when you need a good cry or feel like wallowing?

that cheating heart

i've always been of the - perhaps naive - assumption that cheating is the single worst thing one person can do to another within a relationship. cheating robs the relationship of trust, loyalty, and comfort and plants seeds of doubt, guilt, and suspicion. i've always thought that cheating signified something fundamentally wrong with a relationship and that those who cheat, or entertain the idea of cheating, should focus on solving the problems in their relationship rather than avoiding their issues by hooking up with someone else. to me, cheating was the most hurtful act, one that was unforgivable in any circumstance.

that said, recently i've been hearing quite a few stories of infidelity and wondering if maybe my opinion is too antiquated, too harsh. these instances aren't just those of the stereotypical shithead guy who has no regard for his girlfriend and cheats without a second thought (though i know of a couple of these). these stories include girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives, single episodes and repeated hook-ups, done simply for fun, as a way to get attention, or to relieve the monotony of settling down.

so is it possible to cheat and really have no remorse or guilt? in the case of a man or woman who is dating someone seriously but isn't married, is it really that easy to have sex with other people on the side, the defense to that being that they see nothing wrong with it because they aren't married? and would he/she ever tell the significant other what's going on? of course not. so, doesn't that mean there is still some kind of guilt? or is it the thrill of getting away with it that drives this kind of cheating? do you really love someone if you're willing to cheat on them whenever the opportunity presents itself?

and for those who are in serious relationships or marriages, how much can one cheat and not feel compelled to come clean to their partner? are these the cases where the cheating signifies problems in the relationship rather than just a one-time mistake or someone single just trying to sow what's left of those wild oats? are there cases where cheating can actually revive the person who was feeling lost, bored, or unsatisfied and lead to improvements in the relationship? and what happens when and if the cheater confesses to their partner? how do you go about forgiving and repairing this kind of betrayal?

i'm only asking because it's been a very, very long time since i was in any sort of relationship and i'm wondering if, with adulthood and the responsibilities of relationships and marriage, the line between commitment and cheating becomes a little blurred. i still hold to the idea that i would not cheat and would expect not to be cheated on, but is it really so much easier said than done? i'd like to think that when/if i find the right guy, i won't have to worry about this, on his part or my own. but it makes me wonder....

"dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you"

i woke up this morning in sheer panic. sweating, breathing heavily, heart racing. i sat straight up in my bed and, as i looked around my room, i realized the events that led to my panic had only been a dream. collapsing with relief, i replayed the events of my dream and decided that it had, in fact, been a nightmare.

from what i recall, the dream started as i attended my cousin's wedding. i'm not sure that it was the actual wedding, but maybe the rehearsal or some sort of pre-wedding party. everyone there was asking me when i was going to settle down and find someone and get married. as i fielded questions and defended my single life, i noticed that all of the girls showing up for the wedding/rehearsal/party thing were wearing wedding dresses. i was the only one not in a big fluffy white dress.

suddenly, i was vaulted to another situation where, apparently, it was my wedding day. i was in a car with my friends and we were trying to find somewhere to eat. we were driving through a mall parking lot and they decided to stop at a white castle (puke). we then went to some place with long, cafeteria-style tables, and they all sat down to eat. i needed to get ready so i wandered around trying to find a place to change. i ended up in the handicapped stall in some crowded public restroom, struggling to change without dropping anything in the toilet or drag the dress on the dirty floor. i remember the door wouldn't lock and the women in the restroom kept staring and whispering about me changing into my wedding dress.

next thing i know, i'm in the dress and at the scene of the ceremony. outside on the very green grounds of what may have been a country club of some sort, there was a large white tent erected and the wedding guests were milling around waiting for the nuptuals to begin. on closer inspection the guests were all of my ex boyfriends, hook-ups, dates, etc. there with their respective wives. i remember that i started sweating at this point and feeling very dizzy. the tent was at the top of a hill and i was to trudge up the hill during the wedding march to get to my future husband. i waited at the bottom for my dad to escort me, but he didn't come to get me i climbed up the hill to find out what was going on. my mom appeared holding my lip gloss and her cell phone and told me that my dad had been called into the hospital for an emergency (my father is NOT a doctor) and wouldn't be there to walk me down (up) the aisle. i began to hyperventilate and cry. i started running away and came to a huge inground pool. i crouched beside it to try to calm down and caught my reflection, in all my bridal glory, in the clear, cold water. i promptly threw up in the pool, effectively defiling the image of me as a bride. i threw my shoes into the pool and took off running again, down the hill, far, far away from the wedding.

and then, by the grace of god, i woke up. happy valentine's day. single is fabulous.

ode to VD

i like the abbreviation for valentine's day - VD - because i look forward to this day about as much as i would look forward to contracting a venerial disease. i don't need to explain to you, dear internet, my disdain for this hallmark holiday. i need not launch into a bitter diatribe about forced, guilt-driven consumerism, mass marketing of a senseless holiday, or the underlying notion that people should show their partners love every day of the year, not just february 14. conversation hearts, cupid and his arrow, hallmark cards, flowers and balloons, filled chocolate candies in those stupid heart-shaped boxes that resemble more of a blind taste test for arsenic than a fun sampling of yummy goodness..... they can all go to hell. don't even get me started on that kay jewelers jingle - "Every kiss begins with K!" puke.

interestingly enough, 85% of cards bought for valentine's day are purchased by women. guess what girls - we are wasting our money! however, it doesn't seem that this trend will change anytime soon, so let me provide a collection of VD cards that would actually be worth the time and money spent on them.

other fabulous anti-valentine's day cards are available here. now this is my kind of VD.

i have to also say that the only saving grace of this day is that it is my friend casi's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASI!!! (my sympathies on sharing your special day with hallmark)

p.s. i was just forced into switching to the new version of blogger and it completely fucked this post and the positioning of the pics. grrrrrrr

stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like

i just had a birthday. a birthday marking the beginning of another decade of my life and rendering me an age i've been dreading for years; a milestone birthday if you will. thinking about how i had always pictured my life to be at age 30, i have to laugh. nothing is the way i thought it would be. i guess in some naive time of my life, i assumed by the age 30 - an age that seemed so old and ancient to me at one point - i would have the guy, the ring, the house, the job, the bank account, the kids. i assumed i would be settled into a blissful state of being where dating and money problems didn't exist. i assumed, at 30, i wouldn't be waking up with hangovers and/or strangers, wondering when/if i would have another date or relationship, or glaring hatefully at the happy couples that seem to infringe on every facet of my daily life. i assumed i would be a ball-busting career woman with a doting husband and adorable kids. i assumed i would find perfection.

i guess i should have known at the tender age of 6 that i was going to have issues with men and my idealistic view of my life in general. my cousins and i used to spend summers at my grandma's house. it would take me an entire post to explain how we made grandma's life miserable during those summers. i believe she once referred to watching over us as "herding cats", which is a pretty accurate description. in some of our calmer times, my cousins and i would pull out all of grandma's catalogs and pretend we were planning our weddings. we would pick out our colors, shoes, bridesmaids dresses, hairsyles, and wedding dresses. we would sometimes choose our china, our stemware, and other household gifts for our registries. but what we delighted in the most - aside from picking the diamond ring, of course - was choosing the groom. straight out of a catalog, i tell ya - can't go wrong there. with their dazzling white smiles and their perfect hair, these men offered picture perfect marriage material. sometimes we would fight over who got which groom; fights i usually lost simply because i was one of the youngest and my older cousins felt they got first dibs. i would pour over the catalogs, looking for what i thought would be the perfect man for me. at age six. i was doomed.

fast forward and here i am at 30. no mail order groom, no more catalogs to illustrate the false picture of perfection. years ago i abandoned the idea of the dream wedding and decided marriage isn't really important to me. years ago i decided that i prefer to live my life for me, not for a husband and kids. i don't need the perfect house in the suburbs or the waterford crystal. (ok, i'm not gonna lie - some waterford martini glasses would be fabulous) i'm not 6 years old anymore, planning a perfect catalog life. so what should i expect my life to look like down the road? i have no idea. and i kind of like it that way.