Sep 19, 2006

you snooze, you lose

let me just preface this by saying i am not a morning person. i like to stay up late and sleep in. the sound of my alarm clock sparks a feeling of hatred i can only compare in intensity to the fires of the 7th level of hell. i am not perky, nice or energetic before 11 am. that said, i seem to have a lot of crappy, weird things (granted, many of these are self-induced) happen to me in the morning.

spilling coffee on myself - at least weekly. oversleeping - constantly, thus causing me to jump out of bed cursing like a sailor and run around like a chicken with its head cut off getting ready. gas light in my car - always on when i'm in a hurry. traffic - no matter what time, where i'm going, or how the weather is, it will always be horrible. forgetting cell phone and having to go back to get it - yes. forgetting computer and having to go back to get it - of course. stepping in gum - you know it. having a bird shit on me - um, yeah. not kidding - walking out to my car on friday morning, i had a bird drop a load on my crisp, white dress shirt. auuuggghhh.

but this morning, i had a brand new encounter. walking out of my apartment, i had a sinking feeling as i headed to my car. i realized i had parked on a side street where street cleaning was to begin at 9 am. naturally, as it was well past 9 am, i muttered a string of every curse word known to man, and resigned myself to the inevitable fact that i would have a ticket glaring from its evil orange envelope on the windshield of my car. as i approached the side street, i observed a strange thing happening. people were darting out of their houses like little mice, with keys in hand, to move their cars. and that's when i saw it. the parking police. one single woman in a plastic flourescent vest now had the power to either save or completely ruin my day. and she was heading straight for my car. i broke into a flat-out run, shreiking at the top of my lungs, "wait!! wait please!!! that's my car!! don't give me a ticket!! waaaaiiiittttt!!!!"

lucky for me, she turned around to see where the racket was coming from. what a horrifying, yet amusing thing she observed - a woman in dress clothes & 3-inch heels, with bag, purse and computer flapping violently, coffee spewing from a travel mug, hair flying, hands waving wildly, running directly at her screaming like a banshee. this poor woman couldn't have looked more disturbed and confused if a flock of seagulls had swooped down upon her and tried to nest in her hair. once i was closer, she gave me the girl-you-should-know-better-than-to-park-your-damn-car-here-during-street-cleaning-like-those-other-fools-i-just-ticketed look and said, with no amusement what so ever, "well, looks like it's your lucky day." i was still thanking her profusely, between panting and gasping for air after my marathon half-block sprint, when she just shook her head and moved along to the next car.

i got in my car, said a quick prayer of thanks to the parking gods, realized i was sweating (of course) in the 55 degree weather and wondered.....does this count for my cardio today? hmmm....

4 comments:

adam said...

after all of that, i would have moved my car, walked back into the house, worked from home, and sipped on a glass of wine while curing cancer.

but i must ask again...why does all this crazy shit happen to you?!

I am not your child's personal assisstant said...

yes, it is crazy shit...however, seems like the bird poop was good luck after all! i have to say getting out of a ticket is always fabulous!

I am not your child's personal assisstant said...

yes, it is crazy shit...however, seems like the bird poop was good luck after all! i have to say getting out of a ticket is always fabulous!

Anonymous said...

Hi Andrea! I was just perusing Am's blog list and saw yours so thought I'd check it out and this entry is freaking hilarious and exactly what happens to me on a daily basis as well! Just wait till you wake up Christmas morning to your neighbor's apartment building burning to the ground and realize you don't have renter's insurance... THAT is the best!