Lollapalooza guidelines

there are 2 things that were clearly left off the list of prohibited items at lollapalooza. among the list of no-nos are weapons, alcohol, chairs, fireworks and explosives, large chains or spiked jewelry, and pets, along with a few other items. what they forgot to include on this list are the following:

NO CHILDREN
bringing kids to the rockfest that is lollapalooza is like taking your grandparents to bourbon street for mardi gras. come on, use some common sense. i know they tried to make lolla a bit more kid-friendly this year, designating one area for kid crap and activities, but what parent really wants to spend their day there, when there is a plethora of fantastic music being played all around them? get a friggin babysitter, people. i mean, if you really want to take your older kids and be the coolest parents in town, that's fine. please don't bring your 3 year old and expect her to sit quietly during Panic! at the Disco or Ryan Adams.

case in point: as my friends and i enjoyed the musical stylings of Jack White as lead man for the The Raconteurs, we were distracted by a child in front of us who, clearly, did not have any interest in jack or his music. her mother kept stuffing the child's earplugs back in her ears and tried to get the kid to go to daddy. daddy, who looked like he hadn't changed his look since the last time he left his trailer park in 1985, didn't really have much interest in placating his daughter. rather, he preferred to put on a stunning display of air guitar for the majority of the show. so, the kid cried, mom ended up sitting on the ground trying to keep her entertained, thus pretty much defeating the purpose of being there. i felt very sorry for the kid throughout most of the show until, that is, she looked right at me, picked her nose, and proceeded to eat what she found up there. fucking gross. take your kids home and don't come back unless you have a sitter or they are old enough to use a kleenex and appreciate the music.

NO KISSY-LICKY-DRUNKY COUPLES
i wouldn't consider Deathcab for Cutie to be a band that inspires people to make out in a mob of concert-goers, but what do i know? packed in like sardines for the final show of day 1, my friend and i witnessed one of the most annoying and pathetic public displays of affection ever. already having been shoved aside, stepped on, and groped as people pushed past us during the show, the icing on the cake was to have a couple of very tall people shove right in front of me and begin making out. stuck together as they were, and both being around 6 feet tall, my 5'3" self couldn't see shit except for the spectacle unfolding before me. it wasn't just a little peck or a drunken kiss, it was a full on licking, kissing, groping extravaganza. they blocked my view of the stage, the big screen, and caused me to stare at them in disbelief, wondering if i could just kick them and make them both fall down so at least they could make out on the ground and be out of my line of vision. they were completely wasted and falling all over the people around us as they kept going at it. finally, thank god, they relocated to annoy and piss off other Deathcab fans.

if you get to a point where you're drunk and out in public with a person you find attractive, please at least find a dark corner somewhere to make out. don't push into a crowd of people focused on the music being played and then ruin their concert experience by licking every orifice in sight of the person you're with. just go find a port-a-potty and have sex, for the love of god! i don't care what you do, just don't do it in front of me. take it somewhere else. maybe you should go visit the kiddie area. if that doesn't cure you of your desire to do your boyfriend or girlfriend in public, nothing will.

Friendly reminders:
- to all of the sweaty groupies: if your hair is drenched in sweat, please do not headbang to every single song a band plays during their allotted time. you are essentially behaving like a wet dog and the people around you are completely grossed out.

- to all of the hot men preferring to walk around shirtless: keep up the good work. you are contributing to the beauty of the festival.