my own personal sandwich artist.... don't lie - you're so jealous

ok, but you so won't be jealous once you hear my story. many of you already know about a certain subway employee who tortures me with questions about my single status every single, god-forsaken time i visit the franchise in my neighborhood. i had avoided this particular location for this very reason for at least the past 6 months until the other day hunger pains and laziness got the better of me. here is how the coversation went: (please note: all of self's comments were contained to the recesses of my mind and not unleashed on said sandwich artist in the interest of humanity... well, that and i didn't want him to spit in my food)

(walking into subway and cringing at the sight of my subway guy - a tiny little indian man with an annoyingly cheery demeanor and memory like a fucking elephant)

subway guy: oh! long time no see!!!

self: oh goodie. cleary, our 6 month hiatus has not dimmed his memory one single bit. fabulous.

me: um, hi. 6 inch chicken teriyaki on wheat please.

subway guy: toasted, ok? you like your subs toasted!

self: good god. we got our sub toasted one time. ONE! what a psycho.

me: no toasted. it's fine the way it is. trust me.

subway guy: ahhh. i don't see a ring on your finger yet!! (with jovial nodding and laughter, as if we are both in on the same sick joke)

self: jump over the counter and hit him. i command you!!!

me: (to self: shut the hell up) no, no ring. i'm fine being single, remember? (with big, fake, don't-make-me-kill-you smile)

subway guy: no one likes being single! you want to get married!!! all the girls just want to get married!! you have boyfriend??

self: for the love of god, just say yes, you have a boyfriend. or lie and tell him you're a lesbian and see what kind of reaction that gets!!

me: no, no husband, no boyfriend. just me. and i'm fine with that. really. it's cool. i don't really have any desire to be tied down.

self: why are you telling subway guy this?! you don't owe him an explanation!!

subway guy(shaking head in disbelief and pity): don't worry. you will find someone. what would you like on your sub? cheese?

me: yes, provolone please. and then just lettuce, tomato and banana peppers. none of that sweet onion sauce. (insert gagging noise) and for the record, i'm not worried about finding someone. i am FINE on my own.

subway guy: no sweet onion sauce? you sure??? it's gooooood. (after seeing my look of disgust) ok, ok, no sauce. you are ok on your own. but you would be better with a husband. someone to take care of you.

self: get out now. just go. otherwise i might jump over the counter and hurt him.

me: (through gritted teeth) look, i get enough questions about why i'm single from lots of other people. i just want to come in here and get my sub and not worry about why i'm not married, ok?!

subway guy: ok. just worried about such a pretty girl with no one to take care of her.

self: christ. let's just pay and get out of here. i can't take this.

me: (smiling sweetly, trying to kill sandwich artist with kindness) right. thanks. how much?

subway guy: you want chips and drink?

me: just chips. i have water.

subway guy: but with drink it is a better deal...

me: fine, whatever. chips, drink, hook me up.

subway guy: ok, today, for you total is 6 million dollars and some change!

self: (rolling eyes) seriously....

me: here's a $20. i hope that covers it. (not amused)

subway guy: ah! your change is 13 million dollars!!

me: aces. i wish i HAD 13 million. and all i get is a sub. huh.

subway guy: ha ha! if you had 13 million dollars, you wouldn't need husband!! (continues laughing as though this is the most hilarious thing he has ever heard)

self: go to hell!!! tell him i said that!! tell him now!!

me: great. thanks. tell your wife i said hi. oops! my mistake - you don't have one!! have a fabulous day.

self: fucker.

subway guy: ha ha! good one! next time you come in, you have ring!!

self: clearly, we will NEVER be visiting this fine establishment again.

me: clearly.