the keeping kind

i'm not the keeping kind. all of my past relationships point to this theory. guys start talking to me, seem to like me, then decide i'm not good enough to spend the time and energy on to date seriously. they may want to be my "friend" after getting to know me or think that maybe we should still just hook up, but dating me is no longer a feasible option.

why am i revisiting this self-degrading realization? let me enlighten you. as i was perusing the newest pictures of my adorable niece on my sister & brother-in-law's website, i ran across it. the first picture i have seen of brother bob's grecian delight. you all probably remember my tortured description of the night i sat with brother-in-law's parents and discussed his brother's upcoming wedding. awkward is a vast understatement to describe how i felt that night, talking about wedding plans of a man i had "dated." ugh. so, knowing full well that he's been engaged for a while now, i simply hoped to never have to see a picture of his future wife. (impossible, i know, but i was hoping) that hope was shattered when i innocently ran across this image on the website tonight - brother bob & grecian delight, sitting together happily, her holding my niece on her lap, with a glimmer of the rock that now adorns her left ring finger showing just enough to make me want to spray bleach in my eyes and render myself blind.

i sat, mouth gaping, studying her and wishing to any and every god known to man that i could find something even remotely trollish about her. no. of course not. she's a little, tan, dark haired beauty. again, please hand me the bleach. i think i actually started to talk to self and couldn't find words to express my self loathing at that very moment. instead i poured a gargantuan glass of wine and stared out the window for a while, thinking the whole time that this shouldn't bother me so much. but it does. i know they're getting married. i know they'll probably have kids that will play with my sister's kids. i realize that he never even thinks about me anymore. and that's fine. but it makes me feel like shit because it just reminds me that i wasn't good enough to be where she is right now and i'm all alone.

please allow me to make an important clarification - this is not about HIM. it's not about HER. this is about ME and how i'm never the one that guys want to stick with. i'm the fun in-between girl - a springboard, if you will. i help pass the time while they heal from their most recent break-up and decide they are ready to move on...without me. i like to drink and watch sports, so i end up being more of a "friend" than a girlfriend. i don't make guys think about settling down, i uncover their commitment phobia. i don't inspire a guy to take me home to meet his parents, i inspire him to take me to a bar. they want me for a night, but not for the future. they like me, but they don't fall for me. i'm not even in the top 5 in their list of priorities. they're focusing on their careers, they're not ready for a relationship because of their past, they don't think they can give me what i deserve in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. i've heard it all and it's all bullshit. i'm just not the keeping kind. i'm not who they see when they think of their lives 2, 6, 12 months down the road. i'm expendable. disposable. forgettable.

please pardon the pathetic wallowing in self-pity that is going on in this post. i hope to be back to my usual bitter and witty self soon. thanks for wallowing with me.