september 11

i'm sitting here, looking out the window and thinking the gray skies and rain are appropriate for today. today is a day of mourning. today is a day of remembrance. today is a day to honor those we have lost. september 11 has been all of these things for many people for the past 5 years. for my family and me, september 11 has been all of these things for the past 18 years. on this day, 18 years ago, i lost my youngest sister to cancer at the age of only 7.

that day is ingrained in my memory and always will be. it was a sunday - grandparents' day, in fact. my grandparents came to get my sister and me and to take us to clifty falls park for the morning. i remember thinking that it was odd and spur of the moment and it wasn't a fun trip. i remember thinking we were trying to waste time somehow. and i knew that it was the last day i would see my little sister. i was right. my parents couldn't bear for us to be there during those final hours and looking back, i understand why.

these years that have followed seem to have flown by but that doesn't make it any easier when i think of that day. she should still be here. she had her whole life ahead of her. it makes me sad, angry, and frustrated almost to the point of screaming to think about how unfair it is. however, amber never would have wanted her memory to be the cause of these sorts of emotions. she would prefer i remember our trip to disney world, she and amity eating mashed potatoes with their faces like little piglets, her dressing up as a princess and standing out on the hill in front of our house, waving to the cars going by as though she was waving to members of her court. she would want me to remember how we used to make up skits and perform for her when she was confined to her hospital bed at home and how i used to be the one to hold her hand every time she had to have her bandage changed. she would want me to laugh thinking back to all of the christmas mornings, the halloweens, the family get-togethers and how much fun we had. she wanted to be an artist and a ballerina. i have no doubt she could have accomplished both. she would have grown up to be a lovely, friendly, talented person with a big heart and a great sense of humor. it never ceased to amaze me how she always had a joke or a funny saying, no matter how sick she was or how crappy she was feeling.

so, i choose to think about her and focus on the good times. i will never understand why this happened to her, to our family, and i will never be able to fully believe in a god that could let this happen to a 7 year old girl. i do believe i have become the person i am because of her and what she went through. working for an organization that is trying to cure cancer reminds me every single day of her and why this fight is so important.

i'm sitting here, looking out the window and am glad the rain is still coming down. it matches the tears i have been fighting back and shedding with abandon all day long. this is a difficult day and i know i, along with my family, will alternate between crying and smiling as we keep her in our thoughts today. millions of others will be keeping the memory of their loved ones in their hearts and minds today, as well. may we all find peace and joy in those memories.