cooking 101

it's been a joke in my family for a while that a few of us women-folk don't cook all that well, or at least manage to have a lot of minor disasters in the kitchen when we try to prepare food.  some of us have issues making desserts, some have problems with main dishes.  i have problems with boiling water.  that's right - if it requires boiling water, i might end up a) throwing it away, b) calling the fire department or c) consulting a physician.  with that said, i give you my top three recipes of boiling disasters:

1.  No-bake cookies (attention should be paid to the word "no-bake")

     - measure appropriate amount of water for boiling and pour into pot on stove top

     - turn on stove to boil water, go to measure out other ingredients

     - turn around to check status of water and see flames shooting out of burner

     - scream and panic for 15-30 seconds (the shorter time, the better)

     - put oven mitt on hand and bravely turn off stove top

     - run away into living room and watch to see what happens

     - celebrate not burning down the house when the flames go out by going to the store to buy bakery cookies and wine

2.  Hard-boiled eggs

     - put pot of water and eggs on stove top

     - turn burner on high in order to boil water

     - go into living room to wait until water boils to start timer

     - check email, talk on phone and get caught up in an old beverly hills 90210 episode on tv

     - go into kitchen later to get something to drink

     - glance at stove and shout a string of curse words

     - run to stove and turn off burner

     - look in pot, see no water

     - dump eggs into sink and observe brownish-black color of shells

     - throw away and go out for breakfast

3.  Pasta/Rice

     - put pot of water on stove

     - turn burner on high to bring water to a boil

     - wander aimlessly around kitchen deciding what to put in pasta

     - finally decide to make rice instead, get out rice and see only 2 cups of water are needed

     - check status of water on stove top

     - see boiling water and think it would be a waste to throw it out, put new water on to boil and have to wait

     - take pot to sink

     - using a one-cup measuring cup, scoop one cup of boiling water out of pot, pour into a separate container

      - dip cup in water again and pour water into separate container, held by innocent left hand

      - miss cup completely and douse left hand with scalding water

      - run around kitchen screaming

      - run back to sink and rinse hand with cool water, cursing self for being a moron

      - continue to attend to hand by putting cool compresses on it throughout the evening

      - order pizza

      - tape ice pack to scalded hand, take a tylenol pm and go to bed