Nov 6, 2009

cooking 101

it's been a joke in my family for a while that a few of us women-folk don't cook all that well, or at least manage to have a lot of minor disasters in the kitchen when we try to prepare food.  some of us have issues making desserts, some have problems with main dishes.  i have problems with boiling water.  that's right - if it requires boiling water, i might end up a) throwing it away, b) calling the fire department or c) consulting a physician.  with that said, i give you my top three recipes of boiling disasters:

1.  No-bake cookies (attention should be paid to the word "no-bake")
     - measure appropriate amount of water for boiling and pour into pot on stove top
     - turn on stove to boil water, go to measure out other ingredients
     - turn around to check status of water and see flames shooting out of burner
     - scream and panic for 15-30 seconds (the shorter time, the better)
     - put oven mitt on hand and bravely turn off stove top
     - run away into living room and watch to see what happens
     - celebrate not burning down the house when the flames go out by going to the store to buy bakery cookies and wine



2.  Hard-boiled eggs
     - put pot of water and eggs on stove top
     - turn burner on high in order to boil water
     - go into living room to wait until water boils to start timer
     - check email, talk on phone and get caught up in an old beverly hills 90210 episode on tv
     - go into kitchen later to get something to drink
     - glance at stove and shout a string of curse words
     - run to stove and turn off burner
     - look in pot, see no water
     - dump eggs into sink and observe brownish-black color of shells
     - throw away and go out for breakfast




3.  Pasta/Rice
     - put pot of water on stove
     - turn burner on high to bring water to a boil
     - wander aimlessly around kitchen deciding what to put in pasta
     - finally decide to make rice instead, get out rice and see only 2 cups of water are needed
     - check status of water on stove top
     - see boiling water and think it would be a waste to throw it out, put new water on to boil and have to wait
     - take pot to sink
     - using a one-cup measuring cup, scoop one cup of boiling water out of pot, pour into a separate container
      - dip cup in water again and pour water into separate container, held by innocent left hand
      - miss cup completely and douse left hand with scalding water
      - run around kitchen screaming
      - run back to sink and rinse hand with cool water, cursing self for being a moron
      - continue to attend to hand by putting cool compresses on it throughout the evening
      - order pizza
      - tape ice pack to scalded hand, take a tylenol pm and go to bed




2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry it is heredity!
But at least you are resourseful, and found solutions to the problems.
Probably my worst was when company dropped by while I was cooking ham slices with brown sugar glaze. I had overcooked them and the glaze crystalized, forming a dark, unpenatrable shell around them. Teasingly, I asked my company if they could guess what it was. Their first response was "Is it meat?" Yeah, it was that bad.
Bad Aunt

g said...

only you!