closure

it's an interesting thing, closure. people say they need it when ending something important in thier lives. maybe some need closure with a job, a death in the family, after a particularly nasty argument with a friend. i needed closure with the guy i've wasted the last 7 months on. lucky for me, i finally got that closure tonight. over the past 7 months he and i have dated off and on, with me never knowing for sure if he was going to stick around or if he was going to disappear. before you tell me i'm crazy for putting up with that, i have to explain that when he and i first went out, it was the best date i've ever been on - hands down. we talked until the restaurant closed, went for a nightcap after and could barely stand to part when he finally took me home at 2 am. it was so fun, such a mutual attraction and a really strong connection - a fairytale first date. it continued that way for a while in the beginning and i fell hook, line and sinker. over the course of the next several months we quit dating, started dating again, quit dating and started again. each time he had reasons for breaking it off the time before, and each time i gave him the benefit of the doubt. we had a fantastic time together and, regardless of the shit along the way and the final outcome, i would still say he is, overall, a good guy.

but this time, this round 3 of the dating game, i just got tired. i got sick of the excuses, the canceled plans, the apologies. i got tired of feeling like i was the only one fighting for this to work. i just couldn't do it anymore. i didn't have the energy. i finally just gave up. i knew after one particular conversation with him a couple of weeks ago that i was done. we've dragged it out a bit since then, but mostly just trying to figure out where this leaves us, if anywhere. we both know it's not working and we can't save it. he has his reasons and i have mine, both of which are different, but lead to the same conclusion, nonetheless. so, after months of worrying, hoping, clinging to this idea that we could make it, that there was a connection between us that made all the crap worthwhile, i threw in the towel. i realized that i didn't need to cling to the hope of this relationship or worry if it didn't work out. i finally understood that it's ok to just let things and people go sometimes. our conversation tonight was extremely civil (don't worry - we've had a few rows and i've laid into him about how he treats me) and really sad. i hung up feeling relieved, but in a hollow, disappointed way. it's always hard to let someone go, even when they haven't treated you the way you deserve to be treated.

so finally, finally, finally i've gotten my closure. i guess it's good. it's what i've been whining and complaining about for months. my friends would be very rich people if they had a dollar for every time i uttered a statement concerning him and closure. so here it is. i have it. and it's very strange. i'm not upset. i'm not crying. i'm not wishing anymore that we could work things out. i think, in a weird way, i'm "mourning" the loss of the good part of the relationship, but that doesn't mean i want it back. for the first time in a long time, i am very excited about being single. that's not to say that i wasn't still single throughout this crap with him - we never really got into a committed relationship or anything - but he was my only focus, my only interest. no, i'm not sad about my closure. i'm happy about what i can look forward to now. and in my book, that is what closure is all about.