memo to self: never, ever hook up with a relative of an in-law

time: approximately 9pm

date: july 6, 2006

place: richmond; specifically the home of my brother-in-law's parents

event: dinner, drinks, visiting with english side of family

please-someone-shoot-me-in-the-face-or-stab-me-with-an-icepick-and-
put-me-out-of-my-misery-moment:

ok let me just set this up for you. went over to visit my sister's in-laws and have dinner at thiers while in england. have gone to visit with them every time i've been over the pond and they are wonderful, friendly, warm, lovely people. really, my sis couldn't ask for better in-laws. truly. that said, we had pimms and snacks in the garden, followed by dinner and wine, followed by cheese, fruit and dessert, followed by coffee. all of this was sprinkled with stories about the baby, catching up on what's happening state-side, lots of laughing and pleasant conversation. somewhere between the lighthearted talk that went with the end of the dinner course, we ventured into the subject of travel and, specifically, my brother-in-law's brother's wedding next summer in greece. um, can we say AWKWARD? yeah...

for those who do not know why such chat would cause me distress, let me preface this story with a brief synopsis of yet another past failure in the man department. brother-in-law's brother (we shall call him bob from now on) and i sort of, um, kind of, um, ok totally hooked up the entire weekend of my sister's wedding 2 summers ago. the whole family staying at the bed and breakfast knew what was up and we got called out for it every day at breakfast. how embarrassing. that was end of july 2004. we kind of started dating - if you can call trying to start something after a drunken weekend of hooking up, living an ocean apart and only really having one phone conversation a week "dating" - and continued to talk for a couple of months. throughout that time he told me how great he thought i was, he was really crazy about me, yada, yada, yada. he came to visit me in chicago end of september that year and that was pretty much the end of it. it just wasn't a "sensible" thing to do and there was no way it was going to work out. ok, fine. whatever bob. when i was here visiting my sister last summer, he was in and i saw him a few times. there was clearly still an attraction there, but, of course, nothing happened and it still wasn't "sensible." ok, again, fine. and that's true - it wasn't sensible, nor would it have ever, ever worked out. it was a fun weekend and had things been much different, maybe it could have turned into something, but there were just too many issues in the way - distance and family ties being the 2 major ones. so, he and my feelings for him faded away, as they all do eventually.

ok, back to present story. so. a totally benign conversation tonight between dinner and dessert turned into discussion of room and board for bob's wedding weekend, meeting his fiancee's parents, etc. i know no one else was uncomfortable, but i sure was. i was squirming on the inside, but stayed rather composed (i hope!) on the outside. so, the talk went on. i smiled plesantly and focused on draining my wine glass. bob and fiancee are going to be in london as of tomorrow night and are having people round for a bbq on saturday at the in-laws'. i won't be attending, obviously, but brother-in-law and baby are. my sister's mum-in-law jokingly said at one point that she would just give baby to bob's fiancee to watch over for the day, in hopes that she might get on the baby track. i think i may have actually turned green with envy at the thought of my niece spending that much time with the aunt-to-be. i also had a very strong urge to put my hands over my ears, start singing and retreat entirely to my happy place. instead, i continued to drink my wine.

the talk continued. my brother-in-law went in the house to check on the baby. wedding still the topic of conversation. a few minutes later, his mum went in to prepare the dessert. talk of bob, fiancee, and wedding still going. my sister went inside to help mum-in-law. at this point, i'm sitting across from my sister's father-in-law and we're STILL discussing bob's wedding!! auuuggghhh!!! i believe my right hand may have permanent scarring due to my fingernails digging into my palm for the duration of the bob talk and certainly for the one-on-one portion with his dad. i mean, i know i'm being a bit dramatic and i'm certainly the only one who felt even remotely uncomfortable talking about bob at all, nevermind his fairytale grecian wedding, but come on! give me one person who wouldn't be slightly off in this situation and i'll give you a dollar.

there's a lull in the conversation (thank you dear jesus!), but before i can change the subject, bob's dad asks me, "so when are we going to get you married off?" completely innocent, i know. believe me, i realize there was absolutely no judgement implied, no dig at me being single, no real implication to it at all - just a friendly, "we're all family", kind of lead-in to asking more about me. i believe i actually stammered. i am a woman of many words, so stammering like an idiot doesn't happen to me frequently. i ended up just laughing and telling him, "it's not looking good. no prospects in sight right now, anyway." he looked a bit sheepish and said he was sorry for asking, as it's not always the type of thing young people like to discuss, but seeing that it was just the two of us, he was just wondering. my wine glass was empty. i seriously considered licking the inside of it just to see if there was anymore alcohol within my immediate reach. instead i told him how my grandad is always telling me he's praying for me to find a spouse and that i tell him it's not working and he needs to pray harder. that got a laugh and a look of sympathy - though for myself or grandad, i'm not sure...

i was saved right after by my sister carrying out plates and silverware for dessert. everyone returned to the table and conversation returned to much less disturbing topics - politics, natural disasters, etc. whew. i checked to be sure i hadn't actually drawn blood on my right hand, saw that my nails had only done minor topical damage, and proceeded to refill my wine glass and sooth my discomfort with merlot, stinky cheese, and apple tart.

all in all, it was a lovely evening. the bob talk seemed to last an eternity, much as a root canal might, but in reality was only several minutes. i am glad that the subject isn't tiptoed around because of me, but i just don't have a real desire to discuss him and his happiness when i seemed to be the springboard to that. ugh. maybe if i was blissfully happy myself - or at least at the beginning of a relationship when everything is great and you actually forget to worry about it all falling apart 2 months later - i wouldn't mind at all. wouldn't care a bit. i really don't mind that he's moved on and is happy and settling down. i think what bothers me is that i constantly am the one that it doesn't work out with, only to have the guys i date then go on to serious relationships or marriage after dating me. what the fuck? i should start charging for my inadvertant matchmaking ability. "date me for 2 months and find your true soul mate soon after! cost: dinner, drinks, a weekly shopping stipend. true love is cheap! 8 weeks of investment only - guaranteed or your money back!! sign up now, offer ends soon!"

you've heard of not dipping your pen in the office ink? well, the moral of this story is similar. if there is any chance that the guy you're interested in could be brought up in conversation or you could actually see him and his wife and kids at family gatherings for the rest of your natural life, do not hesitate to run. take your cocktail and leave immediately. i'm by no means an expert on men or relationships, but trust me on this one. save yourself the misery and just go home alone.