it's a bird, it's a plane, it's SUPERAUNTIE!!

so tonight, self and i had the extreme privilege of babysitting our fabulous niece so that my sis and her hubby could go out for dinner and drinks. amelia and i had been getting along splendidly, so i offered with complete confidence on sunday to watch her tonight and let the two of them go out and enjoy the evening. she is a fantastic baby - very happy and smiley, has a pretty good routine, and loves, loves, loves me!

self: let's not forget that when you offered this favor up originally, when they were home for christmas and hadn't actually had the baby yet, looks of disbelief were exchanged and laughter ensued. not just from sis and bro-in-law, but from your own parents as well.


me: shutup and let me talk about our evening. granted, we are not extremely child-friendly in general, but i was sincere when i made the offer then and apparently, having full confidence in my superior auntie abilities, they felt completely at ease leaving me with her. la la la....


self: riiiiggghhhttt.... that's why when we called sis just to check in and let her know things are ok, there was an audible sigh of relief. i'm not sayin, i'm just sayin...


me: oh be quiet. so, as i was saying, my superior and amazing ability to handle babies with the greatest of ease clearly led me to believe that sitting tonight would be a breeze. after all, she's 13.6 lbs of cuddles, giggles, eating. sleeping, and playing, right?

self: you are absolutely right. (dripping with sarcasm) we never really need to change a diaper or give her a bath or anything. we can easily hand her back to mommy if she cries. oh, and that little tooth she decided to start cutting yesterday - i'm sure that won't affect her mood at all. in fact, i bet she'll just play until she's tired, tell you she needs a bottle and her nappy changed and then explain to you the best way to get her to sleep on the first try. sure thing.

me: ok, ok. maybe it wasn't quite that simple. traipsing around london all day may have worn her out a bit and, truth be told, she didn't actually get a proper nap. i mean, could you sleep strapped to the front of someone, sweating and bouncing up and down with every single step? yeah, no. so, she may have been a tiny bit grouchier than she normally would be when mommy needed to leave around 6:45. but, i think it went well, don't you?

self: um, if you think things go "well" when the child you're sitting for screams because you get her arm stuck in her onesie even before you plunk her into the bath that she hates, causing louder screaming, then sure, things went fantastically.


me: oh please. don't be dramatic. i wasn't that bad. she was already "grisley" (as they say over here when they mean grumpy) and wasn't much in the mood for a bath. i don't care if god himself was the one bathing her - she would have cried regardless. anyway, once she was in the bath, she did alright. put up with my non-child skills anyway. slippery little noodle made me a tad nervous when it was time to take her out, though. at 3 months, there's not much they do on their own, except hold thier head up, flail, and cry when taken out of warm water and are thrust into the cold air. so, i grabbed the towel, picked her up and cradled her to me, threw the towel kind of around us both and headed for the next phase - baby lotion, diaper, and dressing. good lord. so, half soaked myself, i layed her down on her changing mat where i was horrified to see that her crying has actually been producing real tears - streaming little rivers of baby tears. i felt like the most evil person on the planet. the lotion portion was good, though. i gave her a hand and foot massage, which she thoroughly enjoyed and even giggled at. i've promised to take her for a mani/pedi as soon as she's old enough.

self: that's more like it. mani/pedi. stick to what you know.

me: shhhh. ok, so things were peachy, except for the fact that by now i was sweating profusely. but, no big deal. she sure didn't care, so neither did i. getting her dressed was more challenging. i realized after getting her diaper on and causing more crying, as i sat holding the flowered little onesie she was to sleep in, that i hadn't actually dressed anything other than a baby doll in my 29 years and the last time i even did that was half drunk at my sister's baby shower, using one hand. poor, poor child. we got through it - more screaming and many, many apologies from me. i was starting to have a few little doubts about that profound ability to calm children that had made me so confident before. so, figuring she may want to eat, i warmed up a bottle, got her calmed down completely and had a very soothing and bonding time with her over 3 ounces of baby formula. i promised her that one day we'd have our serious discussions over cocktails.

self: again, maybe you should stick to what you know.

me: i'm ignoring you. anyway, the peace and quiet was completely shattered when i had to burp her. a necessary evil, i know. she was NOT happy to be roused from her food coma, bordering on sleep, to be abruptly patted on the back firmly and repeatedly in order to force the gas out of her little body. no sir. and trust me, she let me know it. you know how you feel after a really loud concert? when your hearing just isn't quite right? yeah.... girl has some lungs! ok, so then it was definitely time for bed. i'd love to say i calmed her down, rocked her for a bit, and put her down in her bed with no problems. would LOVE to say that.

self: and if you say that, it may be the biggest lie you ever tell.

me: ah, sad but true. it took me 5 times. count em - 5! to get her asleep, but i did it. i'm not sure anyone who has never had the responsibility of putting a baby to sleep can fully understand and appreciate what an accomplishment this act truly is. until this week, and certainly tonight, i never really knew myself. here's the gist of it: she starts getting so tired that she starts crying, rubbing her eyes, etc. i rock her in various positions (always standing up, of course) until we find one that works. this usually entails her kind of lying sideways in my arms, us swaying in front of the fan, with me craning my neck over to make a shushing sound repeatedly in her ear. the best is when her little eyes start to shut. i'm always tempted to just let her fall asleep on me, but that won't really do either of us any good. so, i lay her down in her bed, where she immediately lets me know that she was comfortable the way she was and does not appreciate me moving her, and then, as she starts to cry, i try to help her guide her tiny little thumb into her mouth. once she gets the thumb, we're golden. she starts sucking her thumb and is asleep in no time. i've seen my sister go through this routine a million times now and is pretty fabulous at it. it took 5 times of this for me. the crying and rocking, the almost sleeping, the putting her down and more crying, the trying to help with the thumb... only to have her just get annoyed at me. fifth time's a charm, though! i think really she just gave up on me and took pity on my poor soul. so, she went to sleep and has been slumbering peacefully since. bless her little heart.

self: i think we need another glass of wine...

me: for once, you and i are in agreement. let me just say, though, being here this past week and sitting for my niece tonight has made a number of impressions on me. she is a really good baby - i have to say that after the description of the evening, which in reality was maybe an hour total. she was a complete angel today throughout her first trip on the train and tube and even sat happily in starbucks after the visit to london so that sis and i could have a coffee and chat. she is an extremely happy child and i do, most of the time, manage to entertain her quite well. i loved sitting for her tonight and would do it again in a heartbeat. that said, i cannot imaging a more difficult job than being a parent and having this tiny being depending on you for everything. i feel as though i need to send my mom a card. or maybe several. one would be a thank you card for taking care of me, as she still does. one would be an apology card for all the crap i put her through over the years. another would maybe be a congratulations card for raising me without killing me, especially during those teen years. seriously, i have so much more respect for parents than i ever did before. i think from now on, i won't be so quick to shoot dirty looks at frazzled mommies when their kids are crying and won't stop.

self: i agree. we should try to be nicer. does this mean we have to start liking all children?!

me: oh god no. we only like the ones that are related to us or our friends. duh. and our niece is perfect, so it would be impossible not to be completely enamoured by her.

self: whew. what a relief. ok, let's get that glass of wine.

me: yes, let's. and we can cheers to being SUPERAUNTIE!! woo hoo!!

self: here we go again....