welcome to the jungle

this is what i love/loathe about being single. the inevitable advice that comes from all friends and family who are in relationships and have forgotten just what the dating world consists of. recently, i have been participating in the age-old "where in the hell does a single girl meet a decent guy?!!" conversation. you would think that in a city the size of chicago, where single, young professional men are said to run rampant, i might, just might, be able to trap one and dazzle him with my sparkling personality.

self: sparkling personality? oh. my. god. stop now, or we may pee ourselves.

me: shhhhh. i'm trying to make a point here.

ok, so here are some of the suggestions on where to meet men and my/our reaction to those:

from grandparents: you could meet a really great guy at church. you know we're really praying for you to find the right spouse.

me/self: right. because i don't go to church now and it would be a-ok with god for me to start for the single purpose of meeting a guy. no can do. besides, i meet a guy at church, he'll expect me to actually continue going to church. do you have any idea how hard that is to do when i have a raging hangover every sunday? as for the praying thing - it's not working. pray harder.

from various coupled/single friends: what about that whole online thing? you know, susie from work met her man on ilovefreakyinternetguysidontknow.com and they are soooo happy! ok, so he has a weird obsession with feet and star wars, but....

me/self: right. let's all recall my venture into internet dating. yahoo personals, i'm sorry, but you just didn't do it for me. i met one guy who seemed great and months later he has managed to screw me over more times than i care to admit. no more online dating for me. period.

from other, various friends: just meet them at the bars. you can't judge a guy because he's at a bar - you're there too and you're normal!

me/self: normal...hmmm... not how i typically describe myself, but i'll take it as a compliment. i have no qualms about meeting a guy in a bar and i do buy into the whole "you're there and you're [fairly] normal" thing. the problem is, bars are crowded, loud, drunken, and not the best atmosphere to inspire witty exchanges or interesting conversation. typically, it's a lot of yelling into each other's ear, followed by a hopeless smile because you have no idea what the other person said, a shot, and then maybe an exchange of phone numbers, which neither of you will ever use. option b is to go home with him and have a one-nighter, thus pretty much ruining any chance of anything else developing. great for hooking up, not for finding someone to date.

from parents: what about normal places like the grocery store?

me/self: clearly, you have never visited my grocery store. i'm lucky if they have POTATOES, much less attractive, available, single men. maybe i'm just shopping at the wrong jewel, but if their produce section is any indicator, i'm thinking there are no men to add to my basket before approaching the checkout lane.

also from parents: well, what about at work?

me/self: well, considering i work for a non-profit and my entire office is full of women, i'm thinking no.

from other family/some coupled friends: what about friends of friends?

me/self: great idea! why didn't i think of that?! (dripping with sarcasm) here's the problem with this idea. in theory, it should be great - you have a good friend whose bf has a single buddy. you all go for drinks and really hit it off with single friend. by the end of the night, the 4 of you are planning a couples vacation and naming the kids. right. more like - your friend's bf has ONE remaining single friend and they (the couple) think it would be a great idea to hook you (her ONE remaining single friend) up with him. meet for drinks and sit across from a guy who is not interested in you, certainly not your type, and not all that attractive. you make boring small talk as your friends beam at you and exchange winks with each other. they should just pat themselves on the back and make a toast, they're so proud to have -whew! finally!- managed to corral the last of the singles into coupledom. no thank you.

that's not to say that the friend hook-up is a bad thing. just please, please, for the sake of all singles, male and female alike, make sure there's actually something about each of them that would be interesting to the other. don't couple for the sake of coupling.

from those in a relationship who have forgotten the wilderness of the dating world: stop worrying about it and analyzing it. the right one will come along when you're least expecting it. (usually followed by "that's what happened when i met [insert appropriate other half])

me/self: total, fucking bullshit. do you people remember when you used to get together with fellow singles, drink way too much, and commiserate about everyone's unfortunate dating experiences?! do you remember the last time you went to bed alone or woke up with a stranger from the bar the night before? do you even recall seeing those happy couples on the street and being torn about whether to throw up because they're so lovey-dovey or throw something at them because you kinda wish that was you? how about sitting at home alone when all of your coupled friends are out on dates? don't talk to me about finding someone unexpectedly. after 29 years, i don't expect much of anything.

self: let's also note that meeting men at starbucks, the bookstore, library, park, etc. fall under the grocery store category. none of those places ever has anyone but mommies & daddies, babies & children, or old people. oh, and we're allergic to animals, so anyone thinking that getting a pet and using this animal to win the affection of the opposite sex can just 86 that idea right now. also not a consideration is fawning over some cute guy's dog as he's walking it down the street. allergies, people, allergies! please for the love of god, do not suggest speed dating either. i would rather slit my wrists with a rusty butterknife.

me: woe is me.

self: ahem.

me: sorry. woe is us.